How do I put adultery in the past?? (Full Version)

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hurtinginlove -> How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 4:37:31 PM)

I have been hurt worse than I could've imagined being hurt. The pain is indescribable. When someone close to you dies you have lots of family and friends to hold and help comfort each other, but when you are hurt by the love of your life through an affair, you feel so so alone. This is me.
My wife had a sexual affair with a coworker that began in Jan. 07 and ended in May 07 when he broke it off, not her. She continued to call him in June more frequently than before and finally it tapered off some. Then she started a MySpace account in July and emailed him on a regular basis. In July she set down one night and said we need to talk. I said, "OK, let me hear it." She said, "there is not enough passion, attention and love in our marriage." I said, "I will do better." I did and I did. Then for every step I took forward I went two steps back. I knew I was not her problem. I questioned her about someone else several times and she denied it everytime. It stressed me out so bad I could not sleep. I would pace the floor waiting on the YMCA to open at 4:30 am so I could go relieve my stress. Two weeks of getting 2 hours of sleep at best each night and working out at the YMCA put me in the hospital with chest pains. Ended up being dehydration. My heart checked out good after many test. While there in the emergency room, it was me, my wife and the guy she had the affair with, a transporter. I didn't know it at the time, thank god, or there would have been some fist fighting going on in the emergy room that day. He pushed me down the hall to have a CT done. I found out later that week what was going on from someone who thought a lot of me and hated what was going on. They tried to keep the affair guite but co-workers easily picked up on it. I had my parents come get our two kids that Friday afternoon so we could get somethings behind us. She didn't know I knew about her affair. I gave her every opportunity to come clean that Friday night and she didn't. She continued to lie. When she got up Saturday morning, I took control of the conversation. I set her down on the couch and I set on the coffee table in front of her and said, "it is now 10:00 am, you have until 12:00 pm to tell me the truth about you and him or I'm gone forever." Then the tears came and the truth started flowing. I'm just not sure I got the whole truth. She said her reason was she didn't think I cared about her. I said, "why did you lie to me then." She felt neglected because I was never there on the weekends during daylight hours because I was working starting a second business. She didn't understand she was the one I was working for.
My wife is a simple lady. She does not want the best of everything but there a few things she would like to have. She has told me some things that she wanted and I have tried to provide her happiness with those things and with me. I really love doing things with her. My time away from her on the weekends was time spent on the new business, nothing else. It really took a lot of hard work and concentration to start this business and on June 29, 2007 I inked the deal with a partnership that will provide us an annual income of up to $400,000 per year for the next 20-30 years. I did all this for my family, not just her and this is what I get in return. Wow, I busted my butt. I work a regular job and put this together while never missing my kids activities or family gatherings. I have tried to be a good husband and father. Apparently she just wanted more of me than what she was getting and didn't talk to me about it. Should she benefit from all the hard work I did that she used as her excuse to cheat on me? There is so much more I could say but I have said enough to explain my situation. Yes, I have been to counseling many times. I am trying so hard but I can not forget or forgive at this point. She came clean on Aug 4th, 2007, maybe it is way too early to forgive. I have even thought about leaving for a while but I do not want to hurt my kids. The relationship at home is good, I just have somethings eating at me on the inside. I must say my wife is trying hard to help me get through this. She does not like talking about it when I have questions. Why would she do this if she loved me as much as she says she does? No one will ever have the trust she once had, no one. Once you are hurt like this by laying all your trust in someone out there and they trample it, you never forget the pain!!!
I don't think it had anything to do with looks. I am not full of myself in no way, I'm not perfect. I'm 6'3" 210 pounds and athletic. I try to stay in good phyisical shape. This has really hurt my selfconfidence. I have had the opportunity to cheat on my wife in the past and I walked away from it each time. I didn't want to hurt her and I knew it was not the right thing to do. I don't know if I will walk away from it the next time.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 5:01:45 PM)

i'm so sorry you are going through this. it hurts so bad, i know. everyone is different but from someone who has been there, the less questions you ask, the better if you want to put it in the past. i highly recommend you pick up surviving an affair by dr harley at your library or bookstore. it did wonders to my broken marriage however it did not last in the end. it has nothing to do with looks, i believe and the book talks about this that you each stopped meeting each other's most important emotional needs. it sounded like you were working a ton and spending less time at the house and this didn't help. you do not want to leave the house, it is very important you stay with your wife and kids if she is willing. this is a christian forum, are you a christian? if so, you have a very good reason to walk away from an affair yourself - for God let alone your wife. unfortunately adultery is quite common nowadays, but it is possible to recover and have an even better marriage then before. feel free to PM me if you want to discuss things further and i'm happy to email with you too.



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 5:04:05 PM)

God can really bring healing to your marriage, but it is going to take time and a lot of hard work by both you and your wife, and this is something you are really going to need the support of others godly people to help you through. Please get help from a pastor, counselor, etc... as soon as you possibly can.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 6:23:45 PM)

We have gone to a local independent counselor and our pastor. I feel we are making headway but each day is different. Yesterday was good for me but today has been not so good. I guess with the holiday tomorrow, I thought about what would tomorrow be like if I were to leave. What would Christmas be like without me at home? Did my wife not think of the consequences? Apparently not.
Yes, I am a christian. That is why I know cheating on my wife is the wrong thing to do. We are more active in church than ever before. Hardly ever do the church doors open that we don't walk through them. My wife is a christian also.
It is hard to forgive her for giving her body to another man when he is not deserving of being in her thoughts. She really scraped the bottom of the barrell with this guy. His MySpace site is full of sexual explicit images and comments and all his friend are sexy young ladies. He is divorced and has two kids who live with their mother. I will never understand why she did what she did without discussing her feelings with me. Her friends at the hospital knew more about her feeling towards me than I did.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 6:56:52 PM)

i beg you to please look into that book i mentioned . you will find there are common traits among all affairs. this man was meeting emotional needs
that you weren't. also affairs are addictions - they make people do things they normally wouldn't because they aren't thinking straight. hence your
wife not thinknig about holidays. does your wife still have contact with this person?



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 7:13:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

We have gone to a local independent counselor and our pastor. I feel we are making headway but each day is different. Yesterday was good for me but today has been not so good. I guess with the holiday tomorrow, I thought about what would tomorrow be like if I were to leave. What would Christmas be like without me at home? Did my wife not think of the consequences? Apparently not.
Yes, I am a christian. That is why I know cheating on my wife is the wrong thing to do. We are more active in church than ever before. Hardly ever do the church doors open that we don't walk through them. My wife is a christian also.
It is hard to forgive her for giving her body to another man when he is not deserving of being in her thoughts. She really scraped the bottom of the barrell with this guy. His MySpace site is full of sexual explicit images and comments and all his friend are sexy young ladies. He is divorced and has two kids who live with their mother. I will never understand why she did what she did without discussing her feelings with me. Her friends at the hospital knew more about her feeling towards me than I did.



It sounds like you are on the right track! You need to understand that it is really normal for some days to be much more difficult that others when a situation like this presents itself; it will get better but it is going to be tough for a while. It is also very understandable that forgiving your wife will be very hard, but it is also absolutely critical that you do forgive her, and continue to show love towards her in spite of her failures. Trust will need to be rebuilt and that is going to take a lot of time; however, your wife will never ever be able to build that trust with you until you are truly able to forgive her for hurting you so badly. If you recognize your need to forgive her, and are asking for God's help to do so, then even though you may be struggling, you are headed in the right direction; however, if you find yourself believing you have a right not to forgive her then you are headed for trouble. Plan on keeping your pastor and counselor involved for a long time because even though this affair is not your fault, this issue will cause a lot of other issues to come to the surface, and some will require you to make changes that may be very uncomfortable for you to make (especially after the revelation of this affair). Again I think it is important for you to realize that the affair is not your fault, but that doesn't mean that you haven't contributed to the difficulties within your marriage. Your wife should not be allowed to blame you for the affair, but in spite of her failure, she should be allowed to raise the issues that have cause her the most pain, and allowing her to do so is what loving her like Christ loved the church is really all about. (Eph. 5:25)

Most importantly realize that you and your wife have a real hope for a better marriage because of the relationship you share in Christ! I have seen God work real miracles in marriages where spouses have chosen to love and forgive each other in obedience to Christ (even when they didn't feel like it); love can truly cover a multitude of sin, when we are obedient to Christ, and some of the strongest marriages I know are testimonies to God's grace in the face of failure.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 9:02:50 PM)

Yes, my wife still sees him at work but not often. She is working part-time and his work schedule is later in the day. She says she does not talk to him if she can avoid it. She calls me to let me know he is there if their schedule overlaps. I told her a while back to let me know when they had contact and she is good at that.



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 9:06:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

Yes, my wife still sees him at work but not often. She is working part-time and his work schedule is later in the day. She says she does not talk to him if she can avoid it. She calls me to let me know he is there if their schedule overlaps. I told her a while back to let me know when they had contact and she is good at that.



I would recommend that your wife look for a new job, if at all possible (even if it meant taking a cut in pay). It would help both of you deal with the issues much better.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/21/2007 10:14:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

I have been hurt worse than I could've imagined being hurt. The pain is indescribable. When someone close to you dies you have lots of family and friends to hold and help comfort each other, but when you are hurt by the love of your life through an affair, you feel so so alone. This is me.
....
Once you are hurt like this by laying all your trust in someone out there and they trample it, you never forget the pain!!!


When I hear stories like this, especially in a Christian family, it breaks my heart. When you are my age, you've seen far too much of it. And, those who go through it, invariably describe it just as you have... the greatest pain that they have ever felt.

Satan is a deceiver and somehow he is able to decieve hurting people into thinking that they can dabble in an affair without ever hurting anyone. That's a lie. But, you should know that your wife has also hurt herself. You are BOTH hurting from this event.

But, you are also believing a lie... that you can not and never will forget the pain. Countless marriages have gone through this kind of devastating betrayal and ended up being wonderful, life long close and happy marriages. It's up to you and your wife.

The first thing to realize is that we are ALL sinners. While WE stratify sin into certain levels of depravity, it appears that God does not. That's why He says if we LUST after a woman, we have already committed adultery with her. Sin is sin. Some sins that others do HURT us more. But, all are an afront to God's purity. The second thing to realize is that God loves you in a very special way becuase you are His child. He hurts when you hurt.

One of the tragedies about affairs is that they cannot be undone. They can only be prevented.

This one was not. So, you have what you have.

Both you and your wife have only one alternative to healing focus on learning from the past, while not dwelling on the past, and vowing to take what you've learned to make a better life for both of you.

It dawned on me while I was writing this, that there might be one important step you both can take that might help speed up the healing. I don't know that I've ever seen it done so I can't say that it will actually help. But, you mentioned a broken trust. She stood before you many years ago and vowed that she would forsake all others. That vow is obviously now broken.

I don't know if she is ready to make that same vow again. But, I think that might be something you should ask your counselor about. Don't force it. Don;t push it on her. But, if and when she is ready to vow that from this point on that she WILL forsake all others, I can't help but think that would help restore some level of trust.

God loves your wife as much as He loves you. And, think about this. If she IS a real believer, she has the Holy Spirit indwelling her. Do you think the Holy Spirit wasn't hurt by what she dragged Him into???? Count on it, He as grieved. But, did He abandon her? No. What does he want for her? Purity and restoration.

You have someone in your life that can get you through this. The living Holy Spirit of God. Let Him speak to you though the words of the Scripture.

Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Not easy, is it. But, you know something. That's a command, not a suggestion. Tell God this is what you want for yourself.

Ephesians 5

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church inall her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.

Let's be honest. Do you know ANYONE in the church that has no spot or wrinkle. Or anyone that really is absolutely holy and blameless. I don't.

Yet, Jesus Christ presents us to himself as pure and clean becuase of the washing of His blood. Repentence is TURNING COMPLETELY AROUND and going in the opposite direction. It's not simply being sorry for what you did, as some people erroneously seem to think.

If your wife has TRULY repented and turned around, then she is pure and cleaned by the blood of Jesus Christ. He's never going to accuse her again. But, who will? Satan and his minions, that's who. Don't listem to them. See your wife as Christ sees your wife... a person that made a terrible mistake that has consequences; but, a mistake that was well within the cleansing sacrifice of Jesus.

Begin to learn to forget dwelling on a past that cannot be undone by anyone... and, looking to a future that can be changed by everyone that is willing to do so. Your marriage can survive and, believe it or not, Jesus is big enough to take the pain away as you gain more and more understanding of how often we bring Him just as much pain without losing His love. :)

I'm praying for BOTH of you.



jaimestarcross -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/22/2007 1:15:12 AM)

My problem with the whole thing is she works where her former lover
does - in my book she needs to find another job.... to me it's very stressful knowing my spouse is still working where the ex lover does - she should work on the "forsaking all others" - that means getting away from the man she had the affair and the workplace where her cheating is known.



tfkeel -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/22/2007 6:31:14 PM)

quote:

I'm just not sure I got the whole truth. She said her reason was she didn't think I cared about her.


Well, this is NOT repentance. You are not going to ever be able to forgive her UNTIL she "gets it"..... that is to say, she "gets" that:

1) her affair was HER ACTION and HER ACTION ALONE. It had NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. She CHOSE to do this ALL BY HERSELF. No one held a gun to her head. This excuse that she gives states that her motive was REVENGE. Revenge is not an action God allows us to take upon others.

2) She has SINNED against God, against you, and against your children by this action.

3) She starts to become open, honest, and forthcoming about what ever you ask her. That is not to say that I think you should ask for details, they serve only to hurt. However, it is NOT UP TO HER TO CHOOSE what you can know and what you can't. SHE OWES YOU THE HONESTY.

4) She understands how and how much this has hurt you and your children and your marriage, and is WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES to make it right with you.

While it is true that some marriages recover from adultery, and yes, some few of them become even better afterward....the majority DON'T. The damage to the psyche of the left-behind-spouse is usually too great to repair in the presence of the wayward spouse who did the damage. Clearly, it requires that the wayward spouse exhibit radical contrition and willingness to do what is requred for restoration of her
husband's self-confidence and sense of manhood. Not many actually "get" this. They simply want an easy way out and instant forgiveness as if nothing happened. Not many are willing to sacrifice and help
their hurt mates recover through the longsuffering required.

This basic scenario set is what I suggest for you.

1) your wife must have NO CONTACT FOREVER to the other man. Job? Tough. Get another one. She should have thought about that before she had an affair with someone there. She is not to call, write, see,
pass messages to, or in any way have anything to do with him EVER....then....

2) you two attend marriage counseling UNTIL you feel that you are ready to again attempt to have a marriage together with her and have no reservations about continuing. Your mind is fully committed to forgiveness and you truly feel that she is NEVER going to cheat again.....then....

3) She signs and has notarized a behavioural contract that states that any further adultery on her part will result in an immediate divorce in which she will FORFEIT ALL RIGHTS TO ALL MARITAL PROPERTY AND ANY CUSTODY OF HER CHILDREN and will submit to supervised visitation only with them until adulthood....then....

4) You renew your marital vows in a public ceremony in front of witnesses, one of whom knows of the adultery.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/22/2007 10:56:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tfkeel

quote:

I'm just not sure I got the whole truth. She said her reason was she didn't think I cared about her.


Well, this is NOT repentance. You are not going to ever be able to forgive her UNTIL she "gets it"..... that is to say, she "gets" that:

1) her affair was HER ACTION and HER ACTION ALONE. It had NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. She CHOSE to do this ALL BY HERSELF. No one held a gun to her head. This excuse that she gives states that her motive was REVENGE. Revenge is not an action God allows us to take upon others.

2) She has SINNED against God, against you, and against your children by this action.

In our current Christian culture, where 'feeling sorry' or 'owning up' to a sin is considered 'repentence' it is very difficult for those that felt justified in their actions to really come to terms with just HOW wrong they were and truly turn from it in disqust.

One of the reasons for my thread about God not being big enough in our lives is that we've just about completely lost site of the DEMANDS of God for purity and we confuse forgiveness with license. Like you, I don't read a single word in the Scriptures that EVER allows adultery or stealing or any other sin due to circumstances. It just isn't there.

So, you were quite right in pointing that out.

We are so afraid of appearing harsh that we fail to fully communicate the fullness of the person of God in favor of focusing on and, perhaps distorting, those attributes that make us feel good.

Having said that... once this woman HAS truly repented to God, sees her true condition and vows NEVER to do that again, she is cleaned... and, can move on from there in newness of life. The sad thing is that there are always consequences to our sins that go on even after we have made that turnaround. A partner is still scarred and trust is badly shaken.

Each of us should realize that committing adultery makes you an adulterer. That alone should give one pause before making such a huge mistake.

Heb 13:4
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

If you take the Bible seriously, this is scary stuff.

The word isn't 'may' judge. It is 'WILL' judge. It doesn't even say 'repeat' adulterers or 'except those in bad marriages'.

God is NOT playing some kind of game. He's serious about purity. So, anyone that has fallen into sin needs to very quickly realize the severity of their actions and offer TRUE repentence to God. That's why it is critically important that we NEVER blame our own sins on the sins of another. It keeps us from truly taking ownership of our own sinfulness and realizing real healing.



SingHisPraise -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 8:53:42 AM)

Hurting,
I had to open an account, just to let you know that I feel your pain. After 17 years of marriage, my dh had an affair with a co-worker. I never saw it coming! I REMEMBER the pain, and it is indescrible. I would rather have been kicked in the stomach by a horse! I walked around in a fog for a good deal of the time, not knowing how this could have happened to "us", this happens to other people not us!

You ask how to get over it, for me it has been over 18 years, ago, and I will never forget it. You have good days and bad. But you ALWAYS have the Lord to take your problems to. It will get easier with time, and with God.

It seems like people here want to place the blame, and I cannot see how that will help you to heal. Forgiving her will help you to heal, (it took me a LONG time to figure that one out!).

We did wind up getting a divorce over it, but a month after the divorce, we remarried. It takes work, just like any other marriage.

He couldn't change jobs because it was while he was in the military, so I had to deal with the fact that he saw her every day, but God helped me through it.

I am praying for you.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 9:30:17 AM)

I want to thank each of you for your post. This is a hard pain to deal with. I hurt so bad at times, I just want to take off running and never stop. I really don't think she realizes how bad she has hurt me. This affair was not a one night stand. It lasted for 5 months and she didn't want it to end then. She made a conscious decision each time she went to him knowing that she had a husband and two kids. I have lost interest in things that mattered to me. This new business I worked so hard to start, to HELL with it. Guys, I'm struggling here. My marriage is no longer pure. I am such a perfectionist and pay attention to detail so much when things go wrong I like to start over from scratch. Maybe that means a new life with a new wife. At this point, I don't know where I will ever find true happiness again. The rest of my life feels like a waste now because of this. I will never understand why she did not talk to me about her feelings before she turned to this other man who had nothing to offer except destruction of her family. Apparently she did what she wanted to do because she did it time and time again and didn't want it to end. I am having one of those bad moments again. They come often.
Another woman could sweep me off of my feet right about now!!!



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 9:49:49 AM)

Thanks Sing,
I always knew death would coming knocking on my family's door one day, but not this. This mess did not have to come knocking. I was there for her to talk to. If she would have talked to me about her feelings and needs she would have found out I wanted the same from her. However, I didn't cross the line, she did. I put my mind into something constructive for my family she chose destructive and stuck with it. WHAT A WASTE!!!



SingHisPraise -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 11:48:11 AM)

I understand your pain, but PLEASE, please spend some time with God, in prayer. His Son also was rejected and felt pain for something that he, himself did not do.

And have you tried counseling?



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 12:35:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

I want to thank each of you for your post. This is a hard pain to deal with. I hurt so bad at times, I just want to take off running and never stop. I really don't think she realizes how bad she has hurt me. This affair was not a one night stand. It lasted for 5 months and she didn't want it to end then. She made a conscious decision each time she went to him knowing that she had a husband and two kids. I have lost interest in things that mattered to me. This new business I worked so hard to start, to HELL with it. Guys, I'm struggling here. My marriage is no longer pure. I am such a perfectionist and pay attention to detail so much when things go wrong I like to start over from scratch. Maybe that means a new life with a new wife. At this point, I don't know where I will ever find true happiness again. The rest of my life feels like a waste now because of this. I will never understand why she did not talk to me about her feelings before she turned to this other man who had nothing to offer except destruction of her family. Apparently she did what she wanted to do because she did it time and time again and didn't want it to end. I am having one of those bad moments again. They come often.
Another woman could sweep me off of my feet right about now!!!



I think the one thought that has helped me most, is the realization that God (who is more than just a perfectionist, he is perfect) has extended his grace and forgiveness towards me who has failed in my relationship with him just as badly. Externally I could give a long very list of all of the things I have never done to show how "worthy" I am of God's grace, but the reality is that God intimately knows my heart and it is as wicked and in need of God's redemption as is every other human heart. The reason I know that I must forgive those who have hurt me most deeply is that I know that God has forgiven, and continues to forgive, me even when I have hurt him so deeply.

No one can guarantee what the outcome of your wife's poor choice will be in your marriage, but as the husband and leader in the relationship, it is your responsibility before God to graciously lead her towards reconciliation, and you can't do that if you are thinking about "a new life, and a new wife". Be willing to take the lead and pray that your wife will follow that lead. Leadership in a situation such as yours, especially if your wife is not committed to reconciliation, may require you to make some very tough decisions and draw some lines in the sand, but it must be done with absolute love for your wife, placing her need as more important than your own.



tfkeel -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 1:47:13 PM)

quote:

Apparently she did what she wanted to do because she did it time and time again and didn't want it to end.


Yes. I would say that this description is quite accurate, and I think you have EVERY RIGHT to end your marriage right here and right now. I don't believe that you are seeing any spirit of repentance in her, from what you say, I see no contrition which is going to change her and cause her to be different in the future.

This went way too far to be some kind of mistake. And the telling feature, to me, is that she blames it on you. As long as she is doing that, there's no repentance. I think you have to deliver the choice to her to either get right, or get out. But, beyond that, I don't think I would waste any time about it trying to "lead", or to "get counseling", etc...
you can only lead someone who submits, and counseling is only effective for people who want to change.

quote:

Should she benefit from all the hard work I did that she used as her excuse to cheat on me?


Nope. She should have to go get a job at Mickey-Ds and pay child support to the children who are in your FULL CUSTODY.



SingHisPraise -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 6:57:26 PM)

Hurt,
I've tried answering your PM, but I'm computer challenged and as soon as I figure it out I'll PM back to you[:D]

Just know that I am praying for your pain, and healing and I'm praying for your family.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 7:50:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SingHisPraise

Hurting,
It seems like people here want to place the blame, and I cannot see how that will help you to heal. Forgiving her will help you to heal, (it took me a LONG time to figure that one out!).


There are so many facets that face us as we try to address the problems posed in this thread. The first is that we need to address the fact that God IS real and He is a healer of every pain. Another is the Scriptural theology that addresses these issues. And, a third is the usefulness of seeing such obvious pain in another to try to prevent these kinds of awful things to happen in the first place.

Focusing on the blame of the offending party isn't usually helpful if it keeps the offended party from looking at themselves and their own responsibilities to God. It's taken you years, from your post, and you still have not forgotten the breach in your marriage. And, I'd venture that neither does your husband in terms of his own culpability. He probably doesn't think about it as much as you do; but, I was once told by a husband, who had strayed and been reconciled for many years... "She's forgiven me; but, I can sometimes see it in her eyes." I could tell that he was now genuinely hurt that he had hurt her.

Nobody wins when adultery enters a scared relationship. Nobody. But, the best course of action is to do everthing to lead all the parties to a true repentence and build from there. Nobody, can go back and fix it. So, the only alternative is to learn from it and look forward in Jesus Christ... just as it is with every sin in life.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/23/2007 10:41:31 PM)

i don't think it's true that your relationship will always be damaged. some people don't choose to recover fully and live in the past. you have a chance to build something new and awesome. you can do it!@



collie1 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/24/2007 1:13:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

I want to thank each of you for your post. This is a hard pain to deal with. I hurt so bad at times, I just want to take off running and never stop. I really don't think she realizes how bad she has hurt me. This affair was not a one night stand. It lasted for 5 months and she didn't want it to end then. She made a conscious decision each time she went to him knowing that she had a husband and two kids. I have lost interest in things that mattered to me. This new business I worked so hard to start, to HELL with it. Guys, I'm struggling here. My marriage is no longer pure. I am such a perfectionist and pay attention to detail so much when things go wrong I like to start over from scratch. Maybe that means a new life with a new wife. At this point, I don't know where I will ever find true happiness again. The rest of my life feels like a waste now because of this. I will never understand why she did not talk to me about her feelings before she turned to this other man who had nothing to offer except destruction of her family. Apparently she did what she wanted to do because she did it time and time again and didn't want it to end. I am having one of those bad moments again. They come often.
Another woman could sweep me off of my feet right about now!!!

quote:

I am such a perfectionist and pay attention to detail so much when things go wrong I like to start over from scratch. Maybe that means a new life with a new wife. At this point, I don't know where I will ever find true happiness again. The rest of my life feels like a waste now because of this.


The words I bolded (is that a word?) are what popped out at me in your post. Especially the part about you being a perfectionist, this is the time to toss that part of yourself out the window. Starting over at this point with another woman would not be the answer, your situation is so much more complicated than that.
I know that as perfectionists we think that if we do everything perfectly life will be great. Unfortunately that is not possible, only God is perfect. As you let go of your need to be a perfectionist God can start a work in you and show you what He wants you to do with your relationship with your wife.

I am so sorry you have to experience this pain, and I hope that what I wrote didn't make it sound like your perfectionism was to blame for the affair, we all know it is not, but it will stand in the way of your healing from the affair.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/26/2007 9:49:13 AM)

My wife and I are working really hard to make this marriage work. Forgiving her for the pain she has caused me is not easy. In fact, I don't see it happening soon. Do I love her? Yes, I do. Every ounce of her. Does she love me? She says she does and she says it a lot. We had a good holiday but I can't say every minute was good. I have these emotional ups and downs that really show. She says when she sees me having a down time it really hurts her because she knows she is the blame for it. Thanks for all the prayers. We both need them.

I may need to clarify my perfectionist statement a little more. Perfectionist is something I put on myself because trying to do everything right and paying attention to detail helps my family. I don't hold them to the same standards as I do myself. I hope I lead by example. When putting a business together I study the industry well and try to think of all the different possible situations so they are planned for. However, I didn't plan for an affair in my marriage. I worked hard to give my family some financial independence so we could do a lot of things together instead of being pulled in opposite directions going to everyday jobs. My wife didn't see or understand it that way eventhough I told her why I was working so hard. I am 38 and feel we are on our way to having more time together due to financial gains which don't require either of us to be there for income to occur. How do I forgive her? I love her with all my heart but she made a choice she knew would hurt me bad!! She continued on with her choice to make the hurt even worse!!! HOW DO I FORGIVE HER FOR KNOWINGLY HURTING ME?



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/26/2007 2:53:27 PM)

i very much recommend reading these resources which helped me out this past year ...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
particularly Coping with Infidelity, Part 4: Overcoming Resentment and Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

it is always a miracle when God delivers us from a situation overnight however that doesn't always happen. it is okay for you to be angry and upset. you will have good days and bad days. heck, you will have good minutes and bad minutes as you might trigger frequently and start slipping into a depressed state. i urge you not to give up. many wayward spouses are unrepentent, especially initially for having the affair. yours seems to be sorry. i'm praying for you.



laura... -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (11/26/2007 2:56:34 PM)

Hurtinginlove,

You have received such excellent advice about working towards rebuilding your marriage. Many have said how your marriage can be healed. I absolutely agree. However, I believe that much of the advice is missing a crucial first step. That step is grieving. It is not only normal but it is okay for you to be in pain. Adultery hurts. In a way, it's like death. But, because there is no body and no funeral the necessity to grieve is forgotten. You need to grieve the losses. Perhaps you could make a list of the losses and have a kind of a "funeral" for them. Then, trust in the Lord to slowly resurrect them. Letting go can free us to heal.

quote:

HOW DO I FORGIVE HER FOR KNOWINGLY HURTING ME?


(Here comes my "forgiveness" speech. I cannot number the times I have posted this.) Forgiveness is a choice to release a debt. Forgiveness means you no longer require your wife to somehow pay for or pay you back for what she has done--she doesn't owe you anything anymore. Forgiveness does not mean you stop hurting. Forgiveness does not mean you stop grieving. Forgiveness does not mean everything is now okay. But, forgiveness is vital for healing. You will not heal, your marriage will not heal and your wife will not heal without forgiveness.

The steps I would give to you are:
1. pray and grieve
2. pray and forgive
3. pray and work on reconcilliation
4. repeat steps 1-3 as necessary



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