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WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Your Story (8/5/2007 9:05:44 PM)
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(continued from previous post)
When I was 20, I found out I was pregnant. I will clarify right now that I most certainly do know who Christopher's father is; and that, in a strange sort of way, it is a blessing for me to be able to declare this. However, the years previous, I had been living a promiscuous lifestyle. I do remember thinking that "it" was the only reason why I was born . . . and also, I was still living under the lie of many different fears; one of them being the fear of physical violence if I didn't do what anyone wanted me to do. Thankfully Our Lord was beginning to reach me and to teach me that this simply wasn't true.
I also feel strongly led to tell y'all that one of my very first thoughts when I found out I was pregnant was that I would get an abortion. I tell y'all this because I have always been anti-abortion; even years before Christopher was ever conceived. It truly nearly did me in to realize that I was even capable of considering abortion. Once again, it's the lie of fear. So many fears go through a unwed mother's mind when she first finds out that she is pregnant. I no longer consider myself anti-abortion. What I am is very much pro life. There is a difference between the two; a very big difference (but this thread isn't the place for me to expound on that). PLEASE pray against abortions. PLEASE pray for unwed mothers. And very much, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . if you ever have the opportunity to help an unwed mother or even unwed father, PLEASE let them see Jesus through you by exuding HIS Love to them. THAT is what is going to reach them; and it certainly is what is going to help them more than anything else.
After I came to my senses and realized that I really did not want to have an abortion, I began making plans to place Christopher for adoption. I knew that, at that time in my life, I was incapable of being a good mother. Christopher was born in November of 1984; and 3 days later, I held him and told him how much I loved him and that I would always love him. I promised to always pray for him, then kissed him and looked at him for the last time. (Please pardon the sentimentality; giving birth to Christopher is one of my greatest joys).
Of all things . . . when the time was close for me to give birth to Christopher, my biological mother called me. I was 21 years old and it was the first time in my entire life that I had ever had any type of communication with her. But for me, the timing wasn't right and it freaked me out. I didn't tell her I was pregnant but I did ask her to give me 6 months and that I would make contact with her then. Very sadly, 6 months to the day of our phone conversation, she took her life, while living in an rehabilitation home for alcoholic women.
This really did a number on me, and one of my responses was a very irrational reactionary desire to search for and find my biological father. About a year later, I did locate him and I even flew out to meet him. What I found was a man who was completed debilitated by alcohol. He was very much a current alcoholic; and I decided that I just couldn't take that on in yet another person. That was the last contact I had with him.
There's a period in my life that I have retrospectively and affectionately dubbed, "My Decade of Healing." It spans my life from age 21-31. Becoming pregnant with Christopher was such a wake-up call for me. I saw where my life was headed and it simultaneously frightened, disappointed and repulsed me. I knew I was pretty messed up and I also knew that a lot of it was due to things that had happened to me when I was younger. And so, with Our Lord's Help, I entered My Decade of Healing and purposely set out to address and heal from each issue. At the time, I had no idea that such experience was going to span 10 years; and truthfully, those 10 years were extremely painful and sometimes I wondered if I would ever make it through. But I also had promised myself at the beginning of it that I was going to do this for myself and that I wasn't going to quit.
Walt died unexpectedly when I was 26 years old. And one of Our Lord's Most Greatest Blessings to me that I will forever cherish is that a year prior to his death, we were able to forgive each other for all the torment we had put each other through. He never did stop drinking; but during that last year of his life, we had such an wonderful understanding of each other. He knew that I loved him, and I knew that he loved me.
In 1994, Our Lord moved me to Birmingham; and while I don't remember the exact date, it was in mid-'94 that I publicly gave my heart and my life to Our Lord. It may be shocking for some of y'all to read that I don't remember the exact date; but for as far back as I can remember, I have always believed in Jesus and have always looked to Him; even through the ick and the yuck. I even remember hiding in the closet from Shirley and singing, "Jesus Loves Me" to myself. HE has always been there for me; it just took me a bit longer than most to be able to put 2 and 2 together.
It was when I publicly gave my life to Our Lord that I realized that, as a professed Christian, there was more to it than just knowing that Jesus loves me. I had responsibilities. That is when I truly started having a personal relationship with Him; it is when I understood that Christians are called to live a life set apart from the world; and it is when I began to fully comprehend His Majesty and just exactly what He did for me when He died on the Cross.
(continued in next post)
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