RE: Dancing to a different drummer (Full Version)

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agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/11/2007 5:21:51 PM)

I treated myself to some apple juice the other day ~ it was on offer and is the 'cloudy' kind (the only kind I'll drink) and I couldn't resist. I went to open it yesterday and found it had started to ferment. Took it back today and got a replacement.

I watered my garden and pulled a couple of beetroot up. They're still small but they seem to be growing well[:D] My tomato plants were drooping a little, but I think they'll pick up. I've got flowers (finally) on one of them. Was speaking with the lady I got them from and she said that she had few flowers on hers and they may not produce anything as the weather has been so bad. It would be nice if they did, I'll be disappointed if I don't get any.

I think I've killed of my 2-tier plant stand[&:] I will keep it next year (as I've already got the liners) and see what happens then. The liners I've bought are better than what I used this year I think.

I took a (I think) great pic of Munchie the other day. I have to get it onto the 'puter, but I think I'll maybes change my avatar when I do. The current one, I love, but change isn't always bad[:D]

It's been 100 days since Madeline McCann went missing and it's been an emotional week for her parents with so many different angles coming out in the press. Today it was announced that the police think she may have died. One of the things that happened this week was the launch, via YouTube of a missing childrens channel. It was launched a few days ago and there are 27 video clips on it ~ but the clips may have more than one child on each (including one where 3 children from one family have gone missing). Something that the McCanns said recently was that they'd not be aware of just how many cases of child abduction there were.

http://www.youtube.com/dontyouforgetaboutme

We may never know what happened to Madeleine McCann, I'm not sure what good laying blame at anyone other than the perpertrators door does in a situation like this. Her parents, while doing something foolish, cannot possibly feel any more guilt than they do. They are working though to do something to not only get their daughter back, but to help others in the same situation. Perhaps this heightened awareness is the good of the situation.

There's a meteor (Perseid) shower this w/end ~ the best time is tomorrow night, I'm debating whether to see if I can stay awake for it. There's a park across the road from me so I won't have far to travel to get into the dark and will have a good view of the night sky. I may possibly be able to see something from my bedroom window which looks North, but it's not as dark due to a couple of badly placed street lights[;)] I guess it all depends on the weather. I would like to dig out my astronomy chart though to find out where I'm meant to be looking[:D] Mars may well also be visible ~ last time I saw Mars (memory says it was Mars, but I could be wrong[&:]) was when I was at a Christian w/end and we saw it and someone suggested that it was a plane (the pilots had stopped for a cuppa, which is why it wasn't moving[:D]) It'd be great to see the shower and Mars again. I'm wondering if I'd be able to get any photos.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/11/2007 7:23:18 PM)

Ok, so I still can't get my avatars uploaded[&:] Inc ase you're wondering about the current one, someone (who's gonna rename nameless cos I don't want to be responsible for her getting a sudden swamp of pms asking if she can fix their avatar!) else did all the brainwork on that cos I couldn't ~ the images are here[:D]

[image]http://usera.imagecave.com/almshousekitty/Munch/Idroppedit-copy.jpg[/image]
This is the top level of her platform, one of her favourite spots. There is a ball on some elastic that hangs from the bottom of the platform (you can see the white elastic). She likes for me to throw the ball up to her so she can play. When she drops it she peers over the edge.


[image]http://usera.imagecave.com/almshousekitty/Munch/Cantreach-copy.jpg[/image]
And sometimes she just likes to try and reach ~ I suspect that she hopes I'll do the throwing up to her though ~ which I do because it's a fun game[:D]

[image]http://usera.imagecave.com/almshousekitty/Munch/Igotit-copy.jpg[/image]
I just love the determination that she's not going to let the ball drop this time! The agility that she's shown is amazing. I have to confess, sometimes her playing gets a little wild and I worry she's going to fall off!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/15/2007 8:16:47 PM)

Isn't it strange how things go sometimes.

I got one hour of sleep on Sunday night and the last thing I wanted to do was go for my hospital appointment on Monday morning (oh why did I say mornings were better for me[&:]).

I'd been very seriously thinking of not going back because I just saw no point. I went in and we talked some on how I'd been feeling over the past couple of weeks. I told her that I'd been sleeping whenever because I just couldn't be bothered to try and stay awake and get into a good sleep pattern. I added that I'd also changed in the way I thought of my meds (normally when my mood is down I become obsessive about ensuring that I take them) ~ but I'd come off them (not just due to the way I felt about them) and had some of them changed so while I was taking them again I simply saw no point in doing it. She expressed a view that I felt things were kinda bleak and hopeless. I wanted to argue with her but didn't really have the energy and felt that at least some of what she said was acurate.

We moved on to talking about some other things and it was good to do so ~ mostly talking about good and bad coping stratagies that I have and that we can look at in more detail (like replacing the good with the bad or even being able to stop getting to a point when I need to do something in order to cope).

After the session I felt so much more positive than I had when I'd arrived at the hospital and felt more energetic. I walked into town and did a little shopping. It was a little because I felt fairly wiped out after one store. I did manage to buy some pansies for the flower pouches that I'd bought a few weeks earlier. I even planted them when I arrived home ~ although it didn't take the '5 minutes' it said it would take! They're settling in now and I'll hang them next week. Bought some tulip bulbs too and planted those.

After all that, I thought I was sure I'd sleep well on Monday night, but I didn't. I did still feel pretty ok about the psychology though and simply decided to take care of myself and rest. I took a couple of videos to my bedroom and watched them. Munchie came and slept behind my knees. I also slept some[:D]

I carried on sorting the lounge out. I did quite a bit and am really pleased with how far I got. My sorting this house out is an ongoing process. I do some and then stop and then start again. I'd dearly love to be able to start it and keep going until it's finished but that doesn't seem to be my way. My bedroom is pretty sorted though and I'm managing to at least not let it get any worse.

It rained again today. Heavily. I got about 3" of rain in a bucket in a couple of hours[&:] Well it did say to give the tulips a good watering after they'd been planted[;)][:D]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/18/2007 2:50:21 PM)

My father phoned yesterday am to ask if they could visit today. The arrived late and we rushed to find lunch somewhere before they finished serving. Lunch was really good though. It's soo wonderful to go into a pub to eat and not have it full of cigarette smoke!

My (half)brother is off to Chicago next month to start a 4-year degree so I don't know when I'll next see him. My father and step-mother told me that my sister's girls (16 and 19 year olds) had reported a shoplifter in a supermarket (Tesco's for anyone in the UK!) but we never got to finish the conversation.

Didn't really do much other than go out for a meal. It was raining on and off and no one seemed very inclined to do anything so we came back to mine and they left soon after. Normally we go somewhere ~ there's lots of places to visit in the area.

When they left I phoned my mother and was speaking with her and asked if she'd heard anything about this ~ she hadn't. I think phoned my sister who filled me in. Apparently a man and a woman had gone into the supermarket, picked up a suitcase (removing the tags etc) and started to fill it with groceries! My oldest niece pointed out if she could see them, everyone in the store could. She then, while queuing told the cashier who went off to find a security guard. By this time the couple had left the store (the man went first) and were seen by my niece outside, in their car.

The store gave my sister (who didn't get a chance to report anything!) a bunch of flowers. I told her that it was a bit off and she felt the same, saying that they'd have prefered a box of chocolates (and yes, I told the duty manager this).

Given that Tesco's in a major supermarket here, I couldn't help but feel that this wasn't good enough. With my sister's permission, I phoned the store and asked if this really was all they gave to people who did something good like this. They're calling me back to see if there's anything else they can do for the girls ~ that'll be early next week.

I called my sister back and filled her in. She thinks that I've got a bit of a cheek to do this, but I don't. I've taken food back to supermarkets that has been sold after it's dates up and been given far more back than the product is worth. The girls deserve something too... My sister is going to keep it from the girls so if they do get anything it will be a nice surprise[:D]

And yes, I'm very biased!

I'm kinda tired today and my mood is a bit funny[&:] I think that's the tiredness though. I didn't sleep particularly well last night and was awake early this morning. Hopefully I'll sleep well tonight though, I've not slept during the day today.

I'm back seeing the psychologist on Thursday, a bit earlier than usual, but the following Monday is a Bank Holiday and she's not working then[:D] After that, we'll be into September[&:] I can't believe this year has gone so fast!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/24/2007 2:57:49 PM)

Funny thing happened the other day...

I was out in my garden, looking at more poor lil tomato plants and the flowers and wondering whether to chop them down for compost or let the grow (though for what reason, I don't know!) and then I noticed...

I have some tomatoes forming[:D]. Teeny, tiney lil green tomatoes that look like peas right now! I'm hoping they'll develop into something rather than just die off. I gave them some tomato feed and watered them and live in hope. Haven't been out today to examine them.

I ordered some stuff from a catalogue and was told it would be here by today ~ so I called the company around midday to say that I hadn't received it[:@] The contacted the couriers and got back to me. Apparently the parcel got to a depot in a town about 40 miles away and then they sent it back to the main depot about 100 miles away[&:] The reason? They said my address didn't exist, which is kinda funny given the amount of bills I get for this address!

The company is going to have that parcel sent back to them and is sending me another one out by a different courier. I should get that on Tuesday (would be Monday, but it's Bank Holiday.

One of my neighbours told me her kitty had died a few days ago. She was very old and it was sudden (which was good for kitty, but not my neighbour). Very sad for her.

I saw my psychologist yesterday. She smiled broadly when I told her she was being mean to me! She pointed out she was just putting onto words what I'd told her and it wasn't her being mean to me but me[&:]. We talked about some thoughts and ideas about recovery and healing, allowing me to give myself a break without feeling guilty during or after it and need to look into doing things so that I'm not always setting myself up for a fall ~ ie I'm not trying to do everything that I should have done in the previous week (but didn't cos I wasn't well) in 5 minutes which would only cause me to fall ~ there's a need to try and spread things out some.

I brought some more pansies yesterday, though I haven't planted them ~ will do that tomorrow I think. I also bought some shears and cut down all the old and out of control honeysuckle (not to mention some weeds) and binned that. So nice to be able to cut with something other than a pair of 1" clippers! I raked it up with my rake (well, what else!) and discovered that it's pretty clear underneath all that[:D]. I'm going to buy an arch for the back of my garden and getting some climbing fuchsia for it. The arches are incredibly cheap at the moment in a store in the next town and the fuchsia are hardy and will cover it really well ~ and they're happy in some shade and the location does have shade[:D]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/27/2007 7:24:54 PM)

Well, I got my arch[:D] Haven't put it together yet ~ need to move some compost and then put some ground cover sheeting down to help suppress the weeks. I'll plant the fuchsia though that (cut holes into it). They had 5 fuchsia in the catalogue and online they had 6 ~ which were cheaper than the 5. The 6 also had free fertiliser. I'm giving one to the lady who's kitty died and another to the lady who lives at the other end of the row because she's always really sweet to everyone. She also bakes stuff and gives me some of her goodies sometimes[:D]

(I did a search for 'climbing fuchsia' and found my thread ~ how funny[:D])

I planted all my pansies and hung the ones I'd put into the flower pouches after planting the remaining ones in the top. I put the new ones into my tiered basket thing using coir liners this time instead of the stuff I used last time. It was so much easier[:D] I also put more in 2 buckets that I'd used for radishes (but the slugs and I ate those between us[&:]) And I put some crocus in another plant pot and something else in another one (but I forget what it is, except it's pretty[:D] but won't flower until June[&:]

I bought a new product today. It's supposed to clean loads of different things ~ I bought it to see if it worked on my combi oven. I tried it on the door and it was really easy[:D] Then I tried it on one of the sides. It wasn't quite as easy but it started to clean off! Haven't done the whole thing yet, but I will as soon as I get a chance.

My neighbour who's kitty died gave me some kitty stuff that she hadn't used. It was really kind of her I thought.

I've been writing a letter to someone who hurt me recently. Many people see it as a good thng to do. Not necessarily to give to the person, just to write out feelings and thoughts and such. I'd written it and was pretty undecided about giving it to the person. On the one hand, I felt it would help me, on the other, I didn't want it to appear as though I was bitter and such. After talking with my psychologist about something else sad that happened I've realised it will benefit me to pass the letter on to the person ~ not as revenge or to make the other person feel bad but jsut so they are aware. I know that if I bump into the person (and I nearly have a couple of times) I'll have a hard time. If they know this, and know why, I think it'll be easier for me.

But then I may change my mind[&:] Shall speak to my psychologist about it before I finally decide.

I've been writing some other letters too. These I know I won't send. The people who they are too are either so out of my life I don't know how to contact them or are friends who will only be very hurt because of my feelings. And I believe that just writing them out in a letter of this sort (my psychologist mentioned burning them) will help me a lot.

I'm not saying that I'm the innocent party in all of this. I'm sure that I've hurt some of the same people as much, if not more, than they've hurt me. I just feel this is a useful step to take in the forgiveness process (I don't believe that forgiveness is always an instant thing, sometimes it needs to be done gradually).

I've been getting some help from someone on how to organise my housekeeping and such. I'm very haphazzard about it all so while some things are really good, others are really bad. The method suggested to me was so simple and I'd kinda been starting to work along those lines anyway. It was the next step that was important ~ to just pick out a few things that really were priority items to do. And if I got all those done (as was still conscious) to do a few more.

Suddenly it all didn't seem as daunting as it had. I did some picking up and some throwing out and while it didn't make much of a difference there is a feeling of satisfaction that I've done something today (other than go into the next town).

The moon was looking pretty tonight. I took some photos but they were kinda blurred so I'll have to redo them but find something to lean on to keep my hands steady.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/29/2007 10:07:13 AM)

I saw my doctor yesterday. Had a long talk with her about various things. She's pretty cool is my doctor[:D]. Actually, everyone who is involved in my health care are cool.[:D] (That '.' is for Benny cos I know he likes 'em!) We talked about how many sessions I'd had seeing my psychologist ~ I didn't know (I checked later and it's 8 so far) but said she'd offered me up to 20. The doc told she didn't think that I'd get 20 sessions and be kicked out! I agreed but pointed out that I would like to think I didn't need 20 sessions. I suspect my doctor resisted the temptation to roll her eyes[:D] I need to have another blood test next week to check my lithium levels (or recheck them as they were so low the other week) and then a few weeks later I need my thyroid levels checked[&:] I normally combine them (ie one blood test) but it's not possible for these[:'(]

I've been reading some posts around forums and it's got me thinking. I wonder how many of us have a problem with food. I know that many have a problem with alcohol or smoking or drugs, but I always feel that food is a problem on it's own. People don't need alcohol, tobacco, drugs to survive (though it may feel like they do at times). We have to eat though. There is no way around it. That (to me) makes it harder to control. Would you, for instance, tell an alcoholic they can have one drink a day, but no more? In my books, it would be stupidity.

I told my doctor a while back that I felt I had a problem with food, but I couldn't call it comfort eating. Speaking on and off with my psychologist (about other things, but not really about food) I wondered if I used food as a method of punishing and hurting myself. I know the foods that I like and that are healthy. I can't resist grapes for instance. If I eat bread (or too much) it makes me ill. shellfish ~ well, lets not go there[;)] But I like bread and I adore shellfish. Most of the time, I don't buy them but sometimes I do. Even knowing the consequences, I eat them, so they don't give me any comfort, infact they have a detrimental effect on my mood. So why do I eat them? I know this is something that I'll have to talk with my psychologist about more but I'm left with the thought that it's a form of punishing myself or hurting myself.

I've also bought and eaten foods that I don't much like. I think that's more a case of habits rather than anything else. I buy them because my mind can't figure out what I need to buy or should buy.

It's a mammoth task to go into a supermarket (with or without a list) and buy what's needed and avoid buying what isn't. It's hard to try and work out why I don't always feel able to buy the foods that don't harm me and instead by the foods that do me good and I love.

So I wonder, how many of us are using food in a negative way ~ even though it doesn't always show.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (8/31/2007 5:24:09 AM)

Is it just me, or does it make your blood boil that other Christians can say what is or isn't right or true? Worded badly, but I'll explain.

If someone doesn't believe the same as us, even though they worship the same God, can we say they are or aren't a Christian?

If someone has a mental health problem, even though they proclaim that they are Christians, can we say they are sinning or not trusting in God entirely if they take their medication?

Surely it is only God who knows our true hearts. We can debate and consider from now until eternity whether someone or some other faith is or isn't 'right', isn't Christian, that the people aren't saved.

I'm not talking of the kind of cult religions ~ like mormonisn, but what the world classes as Christian. What church do you attend? Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, Anglican, Independant etc. There is a long list. Can we say that any of them are free of man's interpretation of Scripture? I've attened Baptist churches where, even in recent times (and now stopped), unless you were a member, you had to leave the Sanctury during Communion! I've been on church holiday's to places run by Spirit-filled Catholics. Which is the more Christian of them?

Well, in reality, only God knows. But what about your church? What rules and regulations does it have that simply don't fit with Christ's teaching? How does God feel about it? Do you recall what they used to say about people looking for the 'perfect church'? That there was no such thing, and even if there was, you couldn't join because you weren't perfect!

Is it a sin to take medications for an illness? I take them for bipolar and hypothyroidism and asthma. There are also some other meds that I take from time to time. Is it a sin to take any or all of them. Is it a sin for someone who has cancer to have treatment for it? Or the diabetic? Surely if we are told to trust God for the healing of one condition, we should trust Him for the healing of all conditions and chuck our medications out of the window!

Does my medication help? It helps me to concentrate better. I stopped taking my meds for about a month a little while ago. Looking back, I can tell how that affected me, especially as I reintroduced them. I'm thinking in particular of my inhaler and my bipolar meds. I didn't have a serious asthma attack but I could feel the effect that not taking my medications (as a preventative measure) had on me. In a short space of time, I began to feel better after resuming them. As for the bipolar meds. The levels of one med were low when I had them tested a couple of weeks ago. It's possible they've improved some ~ I have to have another blood test next week to check ~ but even having just a low level in my system has helped my concentration levels. As for my thyroid functions, that has a less noticeable effect. It takes 6 weeks or so for the meds to kick in.

But none of the meds stop me from feeling. They help me think (both bipolar and hypothyroidism can cause mental confusion) and they help me to work with my doctors and my psychologist to get healthy.

It was a stupid, and yes, sinful, thing to stop taking my meds. Yes, there was a reason for it, some would probably say excuse. Interestingly, I've been beating myself up more about it than my doctors.

But is our health, cancer, bipolar, diabeties, a sin? Are we so out of touch with God that we 'commit' these sins? Are we so untrusting in God that we rely on modern treatments to 'cure' us.

God has cured me from more than man ever has. Man has helped me think far more clearly so that I can concentrate on God instead of drowning. And is it such a sin to get help from people to understand yourself better?

I sometimes wonder if I'd be alive without medications. So is taking them such a sin? I'd rather not take them, but if they keep me alive, if they keep me sane and safe, I'll take them.

Only God knows the secrets of my heart. Only He can judge me on this. So why do we judge each other?



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/1/2007 7:57:24 PM)

Gosh, isn't it hard when you want to talk about something but you end up rambling and wondering if the post is full of self-pity?

quote:

Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring all right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful friendly hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and, with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away.


http://www.xenodochy.org/ex/quotes/friendship.html

I cut the post I'd been rambling on in. Instead I looked up the definition of 'friendship' ~ which is what I'd been rambling about! That's a loooonnnnng sentence with lots of commas. I'm sure there's a thread about stuff like that[;)]

But isn't it a wonderful definition of friendship? I sometimes wonder what sort of friend that I am. I frequently can't understand why someone would want to be friends with me (I know me, they don't!). But when you find the sort of friendship that the quote describes, isn't it something?

A friend and I both apologised to each other for not being the 'best of friends' earlier today. But you know, reading that definition and remembering something that I told her a little while ago about my therapy, I realise that she is that kind of friend. I don't think she realised the weight she lifted off my shoulders when I poured my feelings out and she sorted them and reassured me they were ok.

I don't think friendship will ever come easy to me. But I'd like to think that I can gently build new and rebuild old friendships over time.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/2/2007 7:15:48 PM)

Have you ever wondered about time travel? Yeah weird I know...

Watched this film yesterday (it was a Yank one so my thoughts obviously can't be that weird[;)]). A war ship in 1980 (or thereabouts) got caught up in this really weird storm and were transported back to the same place, but 6 December, 1941. There they were, not far from the as yet, unattacked Pearl Harbor, they could stop this attack, save all those people, change the course of history. They were, after all equiped with far superior planes and weapons after all. Or should they not interfer in the course of history, allow the attack to take place.

They were planning to attack, but that weird kind of storm came back and transported them all back to the present time (except for 1 guy who ended up stranded with a very pretty lady on a desert island and lots of 1980 provisions).

I wonder what would have happened on the larger scale if Pearl Harbor hadn't been attacked the way it was. Would the US still have gone to war, would they have delayed? Would the Japanese navy and airforce be defeated in one quick blow from the future? Would it have meant the shortening of the war? Would more or less people be killed? Would it have been better or worse?

I wonder if I'd change anything in my life if I were able to go back in time. There have truely been some horrible times, but don't they make you appreciate the good even more? Would I have more or less good times if I got rid of all the bad ~ or would it simply feel as though there were no good times? Would I be happier, healthier, a better person than I am now? Would I even want to change anything?

I guess it's kind of pointless thinking about it on that scale. But on another it's not. Doesn't God change our history to a degree. We still have it, but the sins, the hurt the pain are gone because of His great love for us. They may not be gon immediately, but little by little, as we allow, He will take more from us and give us a peace that is greater than the end of any war.

I think God has it sussed[:D]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/5/2007 6:30:56 PM)

I spent the afternoon moving some compost, weeding and putting weed supressing stuff down where I want to put my arch. I have to do the otherside tomorrow ~ and I need to put the arch up[&:] and in place[&:][&:] for when my fuchsia arrive (anytime in the next month!).

My tomatoes are coming along nicely and my pansies are all still alive. Flowers have opened on my bean plant so maybe I will get some beans[:D] Who can tell? I've been doing endless searches online for apple trees. I kinda know what I want, just am having some problems finding it, but I'm waiting to hear from 2 companies about that.

A few years ago, I bought an apple and it was so lovely and I've never seen that variety since ~ until I started thinking of getting a tree. And this variety is even self-fertile (means I don't need a different variety to grow with it to get apples!). Bit dubious about the name though[;)] It's called a Red Devil[:D] I have seen another one also that I like the sound of ~ it's called Beauty of Bath ~ I'm biased because the city of Bath isn't too far from where I live. And the beauty if I get both of them is they are suitable pollinators for each other ~ and the apples will be ready at different times of the year[:D]

I do want trees that stay small and am looking towards cordon trees. One of the companies I've contacted says they can produce those ~ but I'm not sure if I've left it too late in the year (it seems people advance order[&:]). If I don't do it this year, I'll try and remember for next year!

I've ordered a little blueberry bush ~ it's happy to grow in a pot (and I'm happy to grow it in a pot!). One of my neighbours is ordering something from the same company so we're splitting the postage. I want to get some other soft fruit too ~ a dessert gooseberry and some other, but I'm not sure what yet. And I don't want to get it all at once because then I'll be faced with getting it all planted at the same time, and that can be duanting sometimes.

I had an appointment to see my psychologist on Monday and was early for it (the buses were a bit weird) so went for a walk around the outside of the grounds and there were heaps of blackberry bushes, so I'm going to take a container next time I go and pick some[:D] I think I saw some damsons too not sure[&:] so I'll leave those alone[;)] Blackberries grow wild and in abundance all over the place here ~ I could actually pick a bunch while I wait for my bus home (except it's on a main road and there'll be all the pollution[:'(]).



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/6/2007 6:49:57 PM)

I've been a bit down this week ~ since seeing my psychologist, because of seeing her (not because of her though!).

Tonight, as I thought about what we'd spoken about I was reminded of something that happened just over 9 years ago.

It was at a time in my life when there seemed to be a lot of uncertainty for me. I'd told (yes, told!) God that there were things He seemed to want me to do, and I didn't want to do them ~ but I knew it was right, so expected Him to give me the strength to get through. It was an amazing release for me. I still didn't want to do them, but I knew that God would get me through.

Some weeks later and I was flying (literally, not emotionally[;)]) and I glanced out of the window to see clouds. I also saw the shadow of the plane, much smaller than it's real size on one of the clouds. Surrounding the shadow was a rainbow.

God made a promise to His people and as a sign of that promise, He placed a rainbow in the sky. He promised that He would never destroy (by floodwater) the people of the earth.

For me, my rainbow, was a sign that He would never allow me to be destroyed by events that go on in my life. I may get a little damp, but never destroyed[;)]

I'm not sure that I've explained that terribly well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm comforted by the memory of my rainbow and what I feel was, and is, God's promise to me.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/12/2007 8:29:35 PM)

I keep coming here to my blog to make a post and then get side-tracked and don't make it[&:] Now I've forgotten anything intelligent that I was going to say.

I've posted a couple of times about having rough weeks and I have to tell you something strange I've noticed...

Within a few days of posting that I've had a bad week or time I've started to feel better and I can't get away from the feeling that people are praying especially for me at that time. I know that there are certain people that pray for me all the time (because they tell me) but sometimes... there just seems to be that extra little bit..

Know what I mean[:D]

So if my feeling better is due to you praying a bit more for me, just know the prayers are getting through and being answered[:D]

~o~o~o~


Went to housegroup last night. This term we're doing a short study (8 weeks) on hope. We looked at Psalm 27 yesterday. I love Psalms, and love to read them from a KJV (though not sure why[&:]). Isn't it amazing the assurance that David had in God? That no matter what bad should happen, God would protect him, no matter who abandoned him (even his parents), God would not.

I know certain things about my God, and I know that in the past He's protected me from danger (mental, physical, emotional) but sometimes my faith seems so little when I read something like this. I wonder if I'll ever get to being assured that whatever I go through God will be there, will not abandon me without asking 'Lord, are you still there?'

~o~o~o~o~


My tomatoes are still growing. I seem to be getting more appear every day. I've cut the tops of the plant off (I forget the technical term now) so they don't grow any higher, just put all their energy into growing the tomatoes that are there. I'm trying to work out what I can do with a bunch of green tomatoes if they don't ripen[:D]

And I have beans on my bean plant[:D]. They're so tiny, but seem to be growing pretty quickly. I'm sure that they'll grow enough for me to eat some before the plant dies off.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/18/2007 7:19:22 PM)

I was woken this morning by Munchie making little chirriping noises in my bedroom. Bless her little heart, she was bringing me breakfast[:D] Yup, a lil mousie[&:] Brat!

I've come to the conclusion that life is sometimes a juggling act. We have all these different balls and it's necessary to keep them in the air at the same time otherwise things just kind of fall apart.

There's sleeping properly, eating properly, taking care of yourself and your home/family/pets, ensuring bills are paid on time, work, social activities etc etc...

And then there's our Christian walk. I have to confess that I'm not sure if that is another 'ball' (or several) or not. I'm not really sure if our walk can be classed as a ball really.

But you get my drift?

My sleep is way way out at the moment. I was speaking with my psychologist about it yesterday and expressing my frustration at not being able to control it and that I felt I needed to. She suggested that by getting frustrated I was simply banging my head against a brick wall and wondered whether it would help if I just slept when I needed to without setting alarms (which I generally do) or anything. Hmmm... so I'm about 30 hours into trying this. And it's so hard to not set an alarm clock or worry about being awake during the day or sleeping at night.

I went to boarding school and we had set bedtimes, depending on age. We nearly always still talked after 'lights out' for a while (generally quiet enough to avoid being detected by the house mistresses[;)]) and looking back there was often a sense of we were being slightly naughty in what we were doing ~ I'll confess that those 'naughty' feelings were highlighted at when we indulged in midnight feasts[:D]! We knew that what we were doing wasn't really bad and we'd be ok as long as the talking didn't go on for too long. There was just a hint of being naughty ~ you know?

Yesterday, after seeing the psychologist and being totally exhausted I went to bed early afternoon. Then (as I expected) I didn't feel sleepy tired when it was night. I picked some videos and took them to bed with me and watched them until I did feel tired enough to sleep ~ which was the early hours of this morning. As I've said, Munchie woke me, and I got up to feed her and then went back to bed (very tired still) and slept some more. I felt conscious enough to go to house group this evening and be able to concentrate on things. Not sure how things will progress over the next week or so, but I shall give it a go.

So that is the ball that I'm trying to keep in the air at the moment. I'm not seeing this as a license to sleep round the clock all the time, but simply a way to get back into a good sleep pattern for now ~ and for the future. Then I can perhaps move onto getting another ball into the air. Some of the other 'balls' aren't so difficult to deal with and can be dealt with around the main ones ~ Munchie is pretty easy to take care of for the most part for instance.

I've said that I'm not sure that our Christian walk should be classed as a ball in the same sense as the other balls that I mentioned and so I'm leaving it out of the equation. It is there though and, as always, needs working on.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/20/2007 10:55:30 PM)

Imagine someone juggling all the balls in their life ~ work, family, friends etc...

Now imagine that person on a unicycle...

Yep one of these things

Can you understand if I say that our Christian walk is that unicycle? If we keep that balanced and level, the things we have to juggle in our life will be much easier to control. And how do we keep that balanced? By looking forward to the goal, as Paul says in Philippians.

We may sometimes drop the balls, but the good thing about balls is they bounce! And if they bounce, we can catch them again ~ they don't just fall and break like a plate would.

But we have to keep looking to our goal ~ because once we take our eyes off that and look down, to where we dropped the ball, we lose control of the unicycle....

Sounds so easy doesn't it, to keep simply keep looking forwards? Focusing. I'm not too good at that sometimes, even when I wear my glasses[;)] I seem to get distracted or lose concentration very easily. I've known people to ask me questions and I've forgotten the start of the question by the time they get to the end (their fault for asking such a long question[:D]). It's something that I have to work on though ~ another ball.

I've been told that I'm kinda like those balls, I'm resiliant, I tend to bounce back from things. I do wonder sometimes if I am or not. Sure my mood goes down and then it goes back up again, whether it's to do with bipolar or circumstances, it still happens. Sometimes it seems though that I feel a little more brittle than the last time it happened.

I think I drop a ball and look down to see where it's gone, start to lose my balance on that unicycle and wobble and lose more balls, and end up falling flat on my face. Then, trying to gather the balls and juggle them and then getting back on the unicycle, I end up in a pickle[&:] Maybe I should concentrate more on getting back on the unicycle first huh?

Now, it's a whole different ball game when my mood goes up... while I don't fall of the unicycle, I'm not really balanced, while I don't drop the balls, they do bounce and go out of that controlled oval that jugglers get them to go in ~ it's kind of wild and wacky[&:]

Hmmm... not sure if that is a reflection of bipolar or spiritual struggle, perhaps it's a combination of both, perhaps it doesn't matter...

~o~o~o~


Not sure how this sleep thing is going. I'm sleeping lots (I feel) and for longer times. I woke up late this morning and was awake for a few hours, feeling really rested. Did some shopping and stuff and then felt just so exhausted. I considered forcing myself to stay awake (on the grounds I'd sleep tonight) but decided that I need to give the experiment a bit longer ~ so vetoed the alarm clock too. I slept for a few hours and now am awake in the wee small hours.

I am feeling better though and doing things when I'm awake, instead of simply fighting tiredness. And while I'm eating at incredibly odd times, I'm eating better. That has to count for something!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/24/2007 2:52:58 PM)

I picked a handful of beans the other day[:D] They're actually the first beans I've had this year (I think) so it was really lovely that they were mine[:D]

My tomatoes are still green though[&:] The weather has got a lot colder (it seems) so I think I'm going to have a lot of fried green tomatoes[;)] but I shall leave them there a little while longer. Had strong winds here overnight and one of the tomato plants fell down[&:] ~ hopefully I've staked it better so that won't happen again, but I'm guessing that it won't do the tomatoes any good.

I have a pansy fully open on one of my hanging bags and lots more that are about to open. One of the bags came down in the wind yesterday[:(] and some of the pansies look a bit crushed, but I think they're fairly resiliant plants and may well come back.

I'm waiting impatiently for my fuchsia to arrive. They gave me a delivery month of September, but added that it could be up to 2 weeks late. I'm also waiting on delivery of some bulbs and a couple of other plants that I've ordered. I have a small Japanese maple in the corner of my garden and nothing is growing underneath so I've ordered an evergreen to sit there. The leaves on the maple should turn soon so it will look a stunning red[:D]

This sleep thing is beginning to annoy me. And I know that's not helping[&:] me sort things out, but I am feeling more active and less tired ~ just sometimes at the wrong time (4 and 5am[&:][:'(]). I went out in the storm yesterday because I was concerned that one of my compost bins would blow away as it wasn't secured to the ground. It was fine but the lid had come lose on the other one so I fixed that ~ I have to figure out how to fix it properly now ~ a garden rake isn't really the best thing to use[&:]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (9/28/2007 9:23:31 AM)

I slept last night for about 8 hours[:D][:D][:D]

I tend to look at my clock regularly but it rarely seems to affect my ability to sleep and I recall looking at it when I turned my light off around midnight. Next thing I knew it was around 8am[:D]

I spoke with my psychiatrist's secretary at the beginning of the week to ask if he wanted to change the amount of lithium I took given my ok but low levels. I told her that I was having a thyroid blood test next week and would like to tie the lithium one in with that as well. She called me back yesterday to say that he said to keep the amount the same until he sees me in a few weeks.

I said I was happy to do this ~ but added a warning that if he decided to change the amount that I'm on next time he sees me I'd thump him[sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]! She found this rather funny[sm=Llol.gif] and asked if she could be there[sm=eek.gif] [sm=Llol.gif]

I've got more pansies opening on more than one bag ~ even the one that fell has a couple opening which is good. I'm really pleased with them. I'll start some summer ones off next year with flowers, maybe pansies, haven't decided yet, but I think I'll try doing them from seed instead of plug plants as it'll work out much cheaper for me ~ I have everything I need except the seeds.

I noticed in one of my new gardening catalogues that you can get bush cherry tomato seeds that do well growing indoors over winter and I'm tempted to get some to see what happens. They only grow to about 30cm so won't take up much room ~ it'd be cool if it worked[:D]

I'm waiting in for a parcel ~ I don't really want to go out (too cold) but I don't want to just have to wait in, not knowing if it's going to arrived today (it should) or not.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/1/2007 1:13:17 AM)

Ok, sleep...

Slept for about 8 hours on Thursday night and then for about 7 hours on Friday night. I was incredibly tired on Saturday afternoon so slept a couple of hours then. Saturday night I slept for 1 hour and then for about 4 during the day. I slept for about 3 last night. It's around 5.30am and I've been awake since 2am[&:]

Having said that, I'm seeing my psychologist today and that sometimes affects my sleep. I've also written a couple of letters to people that I'll be sending them and that's caused me some anxiety so there are probably reasons why I'm sleeping badly at the moment.

My parcel finally arrived on Saturday afternoon (when I was asleep) ~ my neighbour took it in for me. It had a recycled plastic footpath that came in secitions. I am going to put it under my compost heap and water butt (both will need to be moved) after putting some weed suppressant fabric down. I confess though that I don't much fancy doing anything outside as it's so cold. And my fuchsia have yet to come[&:]

I ordered some evergreens last weekend and then had a rethink on them so phoned the company yesterday and asked if I could change the order. There was no problem with that! I'm really pleased and hopefully things should have some colour this time next year (if they survive!). I've bought a couple of shrubs for under my Japanese maple ~ they're meant to be happy in the shade and it will be interesting to see them and the maple in red in autumn! I've also bought 2 lilac bushes and a hypericum. Hopefully, with them dotted around the garden, it won't look so bleak in winter! And from early in the new year, I should have bulbs appearing[:D]

I'd really rather not go out today because it's cold but I have to do some banking and see my psychologist. I had a home shopping (groceries) delivery on Saturday and bought some food that is really yummy that I've not had in ages ~ mangoes, oat biscuits, yogurt. I'm thinking of going to the store to get some more after I've been to the hospital. The mangoes were prepared, but they were on offer and probably cost no more than the whole fruit ~ just without the hassle[:D] The oat biscuits where a kind of impulse buy and I'd forgotten how good they were. I bought some cheese oat cakes too[:D] They have some recipes that I've not noticed before and I think I'll have to try them sometime.

I'm just trying to plan my day at the moment. I'm seeing my psychologist at a later time than usual, so I could do my banking first and then see her and go to the supermarket afterwards. Or I could do the banking afterwards, though it's unlikely that I'll feel like facing the supermarket as well then. All really depends on what time I manage to get out of the house[;)]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/6/2007 4:14:53 AM)

I've had a stomach bug [:'(] this week so didn't much feel like getting online at any point. I'm still feeling a bit tender, but better than I was. Munchie has been coming and keeping me company for a lot of the time[:D]

I went into the next town before I saw my psychologist on Monday. It was bucketing down and I decided to buy an umbrella. The one I chose didn't have a price or a pouch with it and the store wouldn't give me discount because the pouch was missing but gave me a pouch from another similar umbrella[&:]. I've only ever bought one umbrella before ~ that was a huge golf umbrella ~ this one is a tiny thing that sits in my bag and doesn't really weigh anything. Anyhow, it proved very useful[:D]

I did my banking and bought a couple of things that were needed and went on to the hospital. Then I headed to the store midway between the hospital and my home. I did more shopping than intended, but isn't that always the case[;)] I finally crawled home ~ I'm guessing that the bug was beginning to set in because I was so tired.

I went out on Tuesday for a blood test ~ phoned yesterday for the results and she'd requested the wrong test[&:] I've got another one scheduled for Monday[:'(]

I haven't been out since Tuesday.

I've been having some problems with my gums and am debating whether to go to the dentist now, or wait for my regular check up in a couple of weeks. I think I know what the problem is and know what to do about it, so there seems to be little point in going now.

The squirrels are digging up my bulbs[:(] I know that cats don't like pepper, so I'm sprinkling vast quantities of ground pepper over them in the hope it helps deter them. I've heard that soap helps too, but haven't a clue how to use it. And something is eating my pansies[:(] If it wasn't for that, they'd look really good ~ even the one that fell down seems to be recovering. It's amazing how much faster the hanging ones are doing when compared to the ones in tubs, despite them all being planted at the same time nearly.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/11/2007 9:03:02 AM)

I've just been to the first page of my blog and noticed that I started it on the 30 March so it's been over 6 months now. I said in my op that I'd had several blogs before, but I think this is the longest that I've kept one going.

I like the image feature here[:D] These are my latest offerings
[image]http://usera.imagecave.com/almshousekitty/Home/Pansy1.jpg[/image]

[image]http://usera.imagecave.com/almshousekitty/Home/Pansy2.jpg[/image]

[image]http://usera.imagecave.com/almshousekitty/Home/Pansy3.jpg[/image]
The green behind and to the left of the purple pansy is the hanging bag that they are in. I'm hoping that the plants will grow more ~ they look a bit gapy still ~ which is why I've not taken a photo of the whole bag[;)]

I've put some of my cherry tomatoes in a brown bag to help them ripen. Not sure it it's essential to use a brown bag but I had one so... The plant didn't look very happy for some reason so I took the fruit off. The other 2 plants are happier and there's no frost (still) yet. The plant that I grew from seed has got ripening tomatoes on it finally! I went out early this morning and they've finally lost the green look and are going dark red[:D] Looking at my beans, they're still growing and doing pretty well.

We had a power cut on Monday ~ started around 7.20am. Not sure why, but it woke me up! It lasted about 40 minutes. The doctors surgery had a somewhat nightmare morning because half of their systems were down. They have an emergency back up, but were still having problems when the power was restored ~ their printers weren't working so they were having to write out forms and prescriptions by hand[&:] It's incredible to think how dependant we are on electricity though ~ even using the telephone can be a problem.

I had my blood test, making doubly sure that they were testing my thyroid and not my lithium levels and then went back to see my doctor ~ my ears have been bothering me for a while now and despite treating them with oil, they've not cleared and while not infected, are somewhat painful. My doctor has said to have them syringed[:'(]. Was told years back that if you have them done once, you have to keep getting them done, but it's been well over 10 years since I last had them done! As for my blood test, my levels are normal, which is good news ~ always nice to know that something about you is normal isn't it[:D]?!

On Monday I have another appointment to see my psychologist. Then on Tuesday I get my ears done and see my psychiatrist for a check up. The following week (I think) I have a dental check up. Also need to see the optician for my yearly check up.

I've been thinking a lot about seeing my psychologist. I never expected it to be easy ~ but it all seems so complicated and confusing. I didn't expect that. I know that events that happen in the present can cause triggers to events that have happened in the past and I can recognise some of them very easily. But sometimes there just seems to be no connection to event a and event b until she points it out ~ and then it's so clear! I guess when someone is able to be an observer instead of in the middle of it, everything is far easier to see.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/14/2007 6:08:59 PM)

In addition to this blog, I've been keeping a kind of journal ~ handwritten stuff. There are some things that I don't feel are right to put in this but I want to put them somewhere, you know? In amongst all the stuff that I've written I've been putting pictures and quotes that I like. Like blogs, I've kept journals before, but not for an extended length of time. I'd like to be able to keep going with my latest attempt and be able to look back on it and see how things have changed (and hopefully they will!).

Would it suprise you to know that there is a picture of Munchie in it[;)] I have put the first pansy image from the previous post in it too. Just because I like it ~ and I actually bought the pansies on the day I started the journal! I've put the friendship quote from a previous post (no 59 in, together with a response from a friend who pm'd me. It really is good sometimes to know what someone else thinks of you and why ~ without trying to drag the information out of them. I've just received an email from anothor friend and I'll be putting a copy of that in too. When I was at boarding school, I had a friend who put all her letters into her journal, not sure what else. By the time she'd got to the end of the notebook it was about 4x thicker than it had been originally[:D]

I did actually come into this thread to say something about something, but I haven't a clue what it was now[&:].

I was sent a 10% off voucher for a company I buy things from and have ordered a couple of throws. I was thinking I should get the throws as a couple of mine really are past it, but wasn't sure if I wanted to spend the money. The voucher decided it for me. I can't wait until they come.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/16/2007 10:04:36 AM)

Hmmm... 2 busy days...

I saw my psychologist yesterday. I mentioned that I felt life was a juggling act and she was impressed with the analogy. Not sure she'd ever thought about it in quite the way I described, but she is probably having nightmares about it now[&:][;)].

I didn't go anywhere afterwards, which I have been doing. It was quite nice to just come straight home and do nothing for a change.

I saw my psychiatrist today, after getting my ears done. My ears feel so much better finally. The nurse said if there was any pain or discomfort to go back because one of the eardrums was quite red and it could be an infection.

My psychiatrist has suggested that we increase my lithium because my levels were so low in theraputic terms and when compared to what my levels were when I was taking lithium as a tablet) and my mood hasn't been too wonderful (though we both agree that this could be due to seeing the psychologist). I have an appointment to have another blood test next week[:'(] and will then see him again next month. We discussed the problem of accurate measuring using the spoon provided by the company (that's the 'official' measure) and dealing with spilling the stuff everywhere (due to slight hand tremmors from taking the stuff!) and he suggested a syringe. I managed to get one and I also spoke with my nurse this afternoon who's going to try and get some more for me ~ while I'm happy to reuse them, I know they don't last for ever. He's also going to try and get me some larger ones.

I've decided to email the company (if I can find a contact) and discuss this with them. Meanwhile, I'm wondering what I can do with surplus and (eventually) vast quantities of measuring spoons[8|][;)]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/19/2007 1:40:32 PM)

My nurse dropped a 20ml syringe round the other day. Only problem is, it doesn't fit in the bottle[&:] I called and left a message for him today asking if he could bring some 5ml or 10ml when he comes out on Monday. He dropped a couple in today and said he'd try to get me a measuring cup, which would be even better (IMO). But he can't come out to see me Monday, he's going to call then to rearrange. I have tried to get hold of a cup, but apparently it's not considered to be the official way to measure[&:] Gotta be more accurate than a spoon and easier than a syringe.

I stayed in on Wednesday, waiting for a parcel to arrive. I didn't hear them knock and so they left it with my neighbour. It was my new throws. I stripped my bed, flipped my mattress and used my old feather duvet as a mattress 'topper' to help soften the mattress some. Then I made it up with clean sheets and my throws[:D] Also had a bath and washed my hair because there is nothing nicer than getting into a clean bed when you're all clean yourself[:D]

I've woken up the past 2 mornings with a certain lil kitty on my bed[&:] When she's slept on the bed before it's the odd time, not 2 days in a row! I suspect that she's trying to lay claim to the fleece[;)] I was given another one a couple of years ago and it lives in my lounge. She loves sleeping on that. I like snuggling under it so that works out quite well[:D]. Or perhaps she's just cold[;)].

I spent yesterday in the garden cutting back my tomato plants and bean plants. I also moved my compost bin and my water butt. I'm not sure about the location of the water butt really, but it will catch the rain better in it's new home. I actually have compost in my compost bin[:D]. I know that you shouldn't mix the layers up the way I did when I moved it, but I think it was far enough along that it didn't matter. I think there's about 40 litres in there, that I'll be able to use in the spring. I did knock my 2-tier stand with pansies over yesterday[:(]. The top tier came out, but landed on the lid of something so I picked it up and flipped the whole thing back into the stand. They don't look too cheerful, but my hanging bag pansies have recovered from their fall. The bottom layer seemed more intact but some did fall out. Sigh, I'm such a klutz[&:].

I've been feeling far more positive the past couple of days (yesterday and today). I think it's too early for the lithium to have kicked in. I do think it was useful to see my psychiatrist and have the meds increased though and knowing that something has been done has helped me.

I spoke with my GP on Wednesday. I asked her if it was possible that I was anaemic again (had been a couple of years ago). I did tell her that I didn't have any definate symptoms, adding that I'd been hoping part of my low mood could have been due to my thyroid. It wasn't, because (with the meds) it's pretty perfect. I told her that I 'wanted it to be something other than my bipolar'. My doctor understood what I meant (bless her) and said that it wouldn't be a problem getting tested for anaemia as I already had a test booked to check my new lithium levels.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/23/2007 8:15:54 AM)

Oh that is so not fair...

I had lots of things in a post and it timed me out[:(][:'(]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/23/2007 2:26:13 PM)

I contacted the company that makes my lithium (liquid) today. Spoke with a really nice lady about some of the issues I would like to hear from someone about. I told her that measuring spoons aren't reliable, especially when the meds you take can cause your hands to shake some and that a cup would be better. I also told her that I'd really like a larger bottle as the one they do only lasts me 5 days. Finally, I asked if they could make the stuff without artificial sweetners in it! She said someone would get back to me. Not sure if I'll have remembered that I called when they do.

My nurse dropped me some measuring cups off today and I think they will be better than the syringes. The pharmacist said that I could put the liquid in some fruit juice to help mask the taste so I will try that tonight.

I had a card through my door from the postie yesterday. I called the sorting office and they said they were shut but I could go down and pick it up. I shot down before everyone left to be told that there was nothing for me, though the postie I saw did look. He also called my postie. She'd put the card through the door, then seen that it could be left with my neighbour so had done that ~ only she didn't have any more cards to tell me! My neighbour did have it ~ it was a black bamboo plant that one of my other neighbours had ordered on my order.

Today I heard a knock and it was the food and stuff I'd ordered for Munchie. I only ordered it on Saturday and as I wasn't in a rush didn't worry about paying extra for next day delivery (mine was free). Ordered her a new litter box and some decent cat litter. Can't remember how long the 5kg bag of food lasted her now, but she doesn't need any this side of Christmas that's for sure!



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