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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 11:43:45 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26671
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here, but subject to change . . . stay tuned!
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Thank you, Ray.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 12:16:20 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10319
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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((((((((((((Ben)))))))))) Still praying.
_____________________________
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
~Psalm 57:9-10~
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 4:52:25 PM
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bride48
Posts: 5341
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Near Boston
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Glad you posted Ben. I figured you were just trying to process everything while Kayla was away and you had the freedom to feel your emotions. It really is a lot to go through all at once! John and I pray for you often!
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Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
The General and the Poet (blog entry)
<--Taken on August 24, 2008: our 6th anniversary
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 5:10:25 PM
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groom52
Posts: 332
Joined: 2/10/2008
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Ben, take as much time as you need to process things and then share only what you are comfortable sharing even if that is nothing at all. We love you and are praying for you and Kayla especially and also all those involved is this painful situation.
_____________________________
John (groom52), the very happy hubby of Deb (bride48)
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 10:00:10 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10888
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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It's like a death. I don't mean to compare this with the actual loss of life of a loved one, but it must feel awful similar.
The therapist asked a question of me... After hearing about Lynn and the circumstances of her leaving she asked me what was the matter with me? What was my problem that I would want to get back into the relationship as it has been? And to tell the truth I had been coming round to that question myself. There is no hope for the marriage. This is the fifth man she had had relations with in the 30 years we were married. Even if she did come back the chances it would happen again are great.
Lynn knows what she is doing. She knows what combo of meds it takes to keep her in this state of mind where she is "happy and in love". There is no way I could force her to take medication to deal with the illness she has. She is even now denying that she has bipolar. And I've heard two different stories from her, one that she had quit the lithium and then that she is taking it. But if her new friends and a therapist she has seen once are telling her they see no signs of bipolar than why keep taking it? I am fairly certain she is continuing with the antidepressant, it surely elevates the mood where she can feel happy and content with the lot she is in.
They brought Kayla back yesterday evening about supper time. Even though emotions are still very raw, it was Mothers Day and I still wanted to honor the mother of my three children somehow so I invited them for dinner also knowing that they have next to nothing and this would be better than beans and rice with a bit of burger in it. Lynn also wanted to get some nick knacks from here, things that have meaning for her. I got home today and looked around and saw so many things missing. I don't care about the "stuff" that's gone, but the touches that made this place home are now not here. No, not all of them, but enough that I'm a basket case.
That gets into the answer to the question the therapist asked. I like the familiar! I enjoy what's comfortable and known! Even if it's not good for myself or her....
I had a thought that perhaps Kayla might be better off with her mother, that it would be better than Evan and I raising her. Becky had said that if Lynn didn't come back that she would go to court and get her back. She has no money for a court battle and neither do I. But Becky still has issues that need to be resolved before I would want that, and the fact that Kayla, even knowing what I was thinking, wants no part of leaving here. I'm afraid for the visit she has in a few weeks, afraid that they will not send her home.
Now with all that said, I just spoke to her. All is not idyllic. He was in the shower and she was able to talk of how they argue, and worse yet that she was scared of him this morning when he threatened that he could hurt her. She told him that she didn't leave a prison here with me to just be in another one with him. I asked her if she jumped out of the frying pan into the fire, and that with counseling we COULD make it and she wouldn't have to feel like she was in a prison!
Oh God I still love her! Yes, I want to be truly happy and I want her to be that way too! But I also want both of us to have security, the security that the bonds of love can bring. So I know she is not “in love” with me, something that I’ve longed for ever since she had that feeling for the guy all those years ago. But I have and will continue to accept just plain old love. She says that women understand the difference between just “loving” a man and being “in love” with a man. Do you? Is there an explanation you could give me? Or maybe I’m just too dense to ever understand it…
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We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 10:18:43 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16923
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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quote:
She says that women understand the difference between just “loving” a man and being “in love” with a man. Do you? Is there an explanation you could give me? Or maybe I’m just too dense to ever understand it…
Lynn is wrong and being totally deceived in my opinion. Being in love just means you are in the current state of loving someone. There is no "love" vs "in love" in a committed relationship. When people say "I love you but am not in love" it's a cop out and only means they aren't willing to put action behind the word. Giddy feelings and excitement have nothing to do with love, nor being in love. What Lynn is passing off as "in love" is nothing more than being infatuated and it is fleeting. If she looks deep down, she knows this by now. She may be infatuated, but she is not in love.
Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
THAT is what being in love is all about. It's not about excitement or shallow romance at all.
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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 10:34:15 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10888
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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quote:
Giddy feelings and excitement have nothing to do with love, nor being in love. What Lynn is passing off as "in love" is nothing more than being infatuated and it is fleeting. If she looks deep down, she knows this by now. She may be infatuated, but she is not in love. I think she may be looking deeper now. At least I hope so. Love takes work to achieve, I'm not tired enough to quit working. So here I am with an appointment with a lawyer Thursday to mainly talk about how this seperation might affect our guardianship together, but also how to protect myself and my future if divorce papers ARE served. I also have another appointment with the therapist Wed. THAT ought to be interesting...
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 10:50:05 PM
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specky
Posts: 388
Joined: 1/9/2008
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I certainly couldn't have said it better than that!!
((((((((Ben)))))))))
I can only speak from MY similar experience. I agree that it can definitely feel like a death. It IS a loss and it IS painful. There is no doubt about it. It's the loss of a dream. But I think the biggest, hardest pain of all is feeling REPLACED. It's feeling like "that person must be better than me that (the other spouse) is leaving me for them." I personally think it has nothing to do with reality. For me, it certianly had NOTHING to do with the relationship having been a good, healthy one with two people with mutual respect and love for each other. Realistically, mostly through hindsight, I KNOW mine wasn't. BUT, he left me for someone else. THAT made me want him back all the more for my own self worth. I couldn't see that my self worth was NOT based on whether HE loved me or chose me..... it was that I AM a child of God, made in His image. It took me a LONG time and many mistakes to see that I deserved SO MUCH more than what I kept after for WAY too many years and was willing to settle for IF he would have taken me back because it was "familiar", I knew what to expect, I didn't have to go through the RISK of meeting someone else and developing a new relaationship, that risk seemed even bigger than the probability that the same thing would happen again in the future.... ESPECIALLY if I accepted his behavior and took him back and he knew I would!!!! It was VERY probable that he would leave me again or AT LEAST continue to cheat on me.... but I didn't WANT to see that.
With all that said, Ben, my heart breaks for you and Lynn. My heart breaks at the loss of the dream for you. NONE of us can give you the answers that you want and need.... only HE can. We can only share from our experiences and our pain for you. From the outside it would seem that the security you so long for, based on the history you've had, is not something that can be attained with her instability. But I would NEVER advise anyone on a decision that can only be between them and God because I know that He is God of miracles and only HE knows what His plans are. I pray that He will give you clarity of vision, clarity of mind, peace and patience within your soul and guidance for each of your days. He will give you the answers you need in His time.... I know others have advised you to journal... I think that would be very helpful. It may often sound/read like a broken record...I know mine did way back when. BUT you have something I didn't when I went through the similar experience... you have a relationship with the Lord at the start... I didn't for over two years.
((((((((((Ben))))))))))) Praying for you, my brother.
In His Love, Sheila (with Craig's help too)
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 10:50:57 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16923
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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(((((Ben))))) I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. I'll keep you and the entire situation in my prayers.
_____________________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 10:59:46 PM
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awed
Posts: 9603
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: Wisconsin
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Aw Ben! (((((Ben))))))
quote:
It's like a death.
Yes it is in many ways.
I agree totally with Karlie's post and I once again want you to know that I am so praying for you. I am so, so sorry that you are hurting.
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Angie, 3 years ago this month (2005), first time she lost her hair. She called it her GI Jane look.
That's Jen and Catherine with her.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 11:00:14 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10888
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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A good friend has advised me to take just one step at a time. Even if they are only baby steps. And I know that that image in the Footprints picture we are all familiar with is true, when I don't have the strength to take that step then He is carrying me.
I can't tell you all how much you all mean to me. Thank You Jesus.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 11:03:45 PM
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utilityfielder
Posts: 13118
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Home of the Champions
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Ben,
I agree with Karlie. It is hard at a time like this to know what to say. Words seem so inadequate to give you comfort. But we are here for you, we are praying for you and it is the Holy Spirit that will give you comfort.
_____________________________
Avatar courtesy of BeckeyZ
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 11:04:33 PM
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awed
Posts: 9603
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline
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(((((Sheila)))))
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Angie, 3 years ago this month (2005), first time she lost her hair. She called it her GI Jane look.
That's Jen and Catherine with her.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/12/2008 11:19:20 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4925
Joined: 4/11/2005
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The therapist has a good question and I'm sure it's going to take you some time to decide what you are going to do. This is Lynn's fifth infidelity since you were married? It seems like she has established a pattern of this and, yes, it could very well happen again.
If I was in your shoes, I don't know that I could have invited her and John in for dinner. Wow. That had to have been difficult. You're a good man, Ben. {{{{{{{{{{Ben}}}}}}}}}}} about the homey touches being gone.
What's best for Kayla? It would seem to me that stability would be the best thing for her. I will pray that she will not be taken from you against your will.
A book you might want to get and read is "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson. I've read it a number of times and have found it very helpful. I think it would help you figure out what to do if Lynn decides to leave John and return to you. Under what conditions or circumstances would you accept her back? What has the greatest potential to foster a good relationship and marriage between you? What is fair to put down your foot about? These are important things to think about and Dobson does a good job of presenting both problems and solutions. Certainly counselling, as you said, would be essential.
I agree with what Kristin and Karlie wrote about love. I'm guessing that what Lynn means when she talks about "being in love" is the giddy feelings and excitement, the infatuation, that Karlie mentioned. Those feelings are really nice to have and it sure would be nice to have them for longer than the few years at the beginning of a relationship. Wanting those feelings has been part of my problem and my dissatisfaction with my dh so I've spent time thinking about them.
They are like the high of a drug. I've never used illegal drugs so I'm guessing here as I make the comparison, but I think it's a fair one. Those who use drugs, use them for the high they give and I'm guessing that those highs are pretty awesome or there'd be no desire to use the drugs again. If a person decides that they want to break away from their addictions, they have to face the fact that they may never again feel the highs they felt on drugs. They have to be willing to relinquish those highs in order escape the bitter lows and to live a healthy life.
It's the same with the "giddy feelings and excitement" of being "in love." I had to say to myself (and God), I am choosing to be faithful to my husband, even if I never have those "giddy feelings and excitement" again. I am committed to something bigger than how I feel.
I believe Lynn is going to have to come to that same place before you and she are able to pursue a life together and you may be wise to refuse to have her back until she does come to that place. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we're ready to see the truth, and I'm thinking that this may be true of Lynn.
I keep praying for you, dear friend. May God give you comfort, wisdom, hope and peace.
_____________________________
Maggie
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/13/2008 7:39:13 AM
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specky
Posts: 388
Joined: 1/9/2008
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Just thought I'd share a poem that Sharon's sister in law (another wonderful lady) includes in every greeting card she sends...
I thought of you when I read it again this morning.
I SAID A PRAYER FOR YOU TODAY
I said a prayer for you today
And know God must have heard -
I felt the answer in my heart
Although He spoke no word!
I didn't ask for wealth or fame
(I knew you wouldn't mind) -
I asked Him to send treasures
Of a far more lasting kind!
I asked that He'd be near you
At the start of each new day
To grant you health and blessings
And friends to share you way!
I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small -
But it was for His loving care
I prayed for most of all!
God be with you today, Ben. My prayers are as well.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/13/2008 8:15:42 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26671
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here, but subject to change . . . stay tuned!
Status: offline
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Ben . . . still praying.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/13/2008 9:12:20 AM
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2jsmom
Posts: 2876
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: The Midwest
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(((Ben))) I'm praying for you.
_____________________________
Sue
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/13/2008 12:15:51 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10319
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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Karlie had a great post. Lynn doesn't know what love is right now. Love is not warm, fuzzy feelings. Love is a choice to put another ahead of your own concerns. Love in a marriage is commitment, not butterflies.
I also agree it is like a death. In some ways, I think it can be emotionally harder than a death because usually when someone dies, they didn't choose to. When someone leaves a spouse for another, it is always a choice, and that is painful in a whole different kind of way, I think.
Ben, I have thought about what I would do if Brian ever cheated again. I hope I never have to find out, but I can see myself still wanting to work things out, even if it maybe was time to let him go. I would have to balance my own feelings and desires with MUCH Godly counsel and insight. As the first time Brian left, I know I would have to dive into the Word like I have never before, just to survive the pain.
Praying God will make your path straight, and especially for Kayla.
_____________________________
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
~Psalm 57:9-10~
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/13/2008 1:24:09 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10888
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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The insurance papers for the travel trailer they are in came to the house yesterday. They didn't borrow it from a "friend", she bought it! $20,000...
Is this her security so she has an out no matter what happens with this guy she's with so she has someplace to be other than at home with a man who still loves her? A stab in the back at me because it was always our dream to retire and travel in an RV after retirement?
I thought that perhaps this might be part of a plan for God to teach us to be more frugal in coming economic hard times, to reshape our finances and have me take more control over them. Lord knows that she is learning to do with a lot less, and so far I have brought the weekly grocery bill down by half. Now I don't know anything again. Maybe I never will....
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Benny's Best Stalwart Bastion of Resolute Biases - 5/13/2008 1:33:57 PM
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Kath
Posts: 16989
Joined: 2/28/2005
Status: online
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oh Ben! {{{Hugs}}}
quote:
And I've heard two different stories from her, one that she had quit the lithium and then that she is taking it. But if her new friends and a therapist she has seen once are telling her they see no signs of bipolar than why keep taking it?
They don't see the signs because the medication was keeping it under control.
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