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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/28/2008 11:42:25 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7134
Joined: 9/5/2006
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I have a camel. An Arab sold it to me and it has no hump.
I’m callin it Humphrey!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 7/31/2008 8:12:10 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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Pregnancy
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When
will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he
finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to
determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and
so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's
not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week When will my wife begin to feel & act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES':
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5.You 're using your cell phone to dial every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my
driving? Call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND the Number One thing only women understand.......
1.. OTHER WOMEN
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/3/2008 11:29:38 PM
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tlims
Posts: 476
Status: offline
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quote:
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND the Number One thing only women understand.......
1.. OTHER WOMEN
that made me smile. thx
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/5/2008 8:49:08 PM
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betterisoneday
Posts: 194
Joined: 1/10/2008
Status: offline
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A Florida senior citizen
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State-Trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State-Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
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No reserves. No retreat. No regret.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/6/2008 12:58:40 PM
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gal220
Posts: 22
Joined: 7/31/2008
Status: offline
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that's cute...thanks for the laugh
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/8/2008 7:37:34 AM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 6513
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: offline
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I love it!
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds in your presence a life that's worth while. So when you are lonely, remember its true; somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/21/2008 3:34:56 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7134
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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There's a little girl at church named Hope. She's just a ball of energy sometimes. Always bouncing from here to there and springing up at the most inopportune times. She got so bad with her constant jumping up that we had to talk to her mom (Janice) about controlling her better.
"Janice", we said, "You've got to stop Hope from jumping up during the service"
"I've tried everything" Janice replied, "but nothing works she just keeps jumping up"
Finally we had to accept the fact that there was nothing we could do. After all Hope springs eternal.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/21/2008 5:29:09 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1083
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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Half off these tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Real flight announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/22/2008 2:13:39 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7134
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Michael Phelp's first baby picture
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/22/2008 2:21:50 PM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 6513
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: offline
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Thanks John, I needed that today!
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds in your presence a life that's worth while. So when you are lonely, remember its true; somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/22/2008 3:08:31 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7134
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Priceless Robb!!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/22/2008 3:12:27 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7134
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: .Pammy
But John, aren't we bordering on the raunchy . . . ? 
Which one? I was just struck with the realization that I didn't read the first one too closely. Was there something objectionable in it? Let me go read it again.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/22/2008 3:54:03 PM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 6513
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: offline
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When you sounded them out they were a little, ummm TOS
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds in your presence a life that's worth while. So when you are lonely, remember its true; somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/22/2008 3:56:56 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7134
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AngelInWaiting1983
When you sounded them out they were a little, ummm TOS
Wow. I guess I didn't read it closely at all. It was more than just Number 16. Fortunately I deleted it though
To all who may have read it. Please accept my apologies. I'll try to be in less of a hurry and will proof read better.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 8:42:15 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6155
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 11:59:43 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4062
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: online
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Oh, Tink, that's perfect! I actually do several of those, but I'm not admitting to which ones!
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 12:01:35 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2130
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: .Pammy
Oh, Tink, that's perfect! I actually do several of those, but I'm not admitting to which ones!
A, B, C, D, or E?
I bet it is choice E!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 12:29:50 PM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4062
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
quote:
ORIGINAL: .Pammy
Oh, Tink, that's perfect! I actually do several of those, but I'm not admitting to which ones!
A, B, C, D, or E?
I bet it is choice E!
Funny.
This was the first one that truly made me LOL (which I NEVER do), because I totally relate to it:
quote:
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 12:36:22 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6155
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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I think it would be easier to just say which ones I DON'T do...LOLOLOL
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