|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:04:58 PM
|
|
|
quixote
Posts: 5
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline
|
Hey...I've got a joke.
Green Bay never loses at Lambeau in December. Punchline comes 12/7/08, I believe...
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:08:37 PM
|
|
|
doer
Posts: 2751
Joined: 4/13/2005
Status: offline
|
welcome to the forums quixote!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
a bad lawyer joke
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:19:13 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6882
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: quixote
Hey...I've got a joke.
Green Bay never loses at Lambeau in December. Punchline comes 12/7/08, I believe...
(Deja vu sets in and suddenly passes)
Sports discussions really don't belong in the jokes thread. But then again the team that the Packers are playing on that date are a joke anyway. Carry on.
Welcome to the forums Quixote. May we call you Don?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:24:52 PM
|
|
|
quixote
Posts: 5
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline
|
The valiant Don Quixote de la Mancha, or Don, is fine. Sorry for my slow post...still trying to figure out the system. I figure the Texans are starting the season 4&0, since they are playing against the weakest NFC division this year. Well, we might lose to the Lions. Make it 3&1, minimum.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:27:37 PM
|
|
|
Prairiehiker
Posts: 692
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: quixote
Hey...I've got a joke.
Green Bay never loses at Lambeau in December. Punchline comes 12/7/08, I believe...
Bashing the Packers on your first post.....NOT A GOOD IDEA!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:34:51 PM
|
|
|
quixote
Posts: 5
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
Bashing the Packers on your first post.....NOT A GOOD IDEA!
& second, for that matter. Sorry, I'm done now. Had to get properly introduced.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:37:27 PM
|
|
|
shemaromans
Posts: 3740
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: quixote
quote:
Bashing the Packers on your first post.....NOT A GOOD IDEA!
& second, for that matter. Sorry, I'm done now. Had to get properly introduced.
LOL! 
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 11:45:29 PM
|
|
|
benelchi
Posts: 1651
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: offline
|
The Laywer joke reminded me of this lawyer story, from a few years ago.
Lawyer Aloft
1996 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(1996, Toronto) Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane of glass with his shoulder and plunged twenty-four floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry, thirty-nine, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Garry had previously conducted the demonstration of window strength without mishap, according to police reports. The managing partner of the law firm that employed the deceased told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Garry was "one of the best and brightest" members of the two-hundred-man association.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 8:44:45 AM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6882
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I stopped over at freerepublic to read the news this morning and ended up finding a couple real headlines that were notable.
Honest to goodness real headline!!
Police: Crack found in man's buttocks
Have they no editors?
(It's about drugs BTW, not plumbers as one might suppose)
(I've got another real headline but the instant thought it provokes is a little too risque)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 8:50:21 AM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6882
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: quixote
The valiant Don Quixote de la Mancha, or Don, is fine. Sorry for my slow post...still trying to figure out the system. I figure the Texans are starting the season 4&0, since they are playing against the weakest NFC division this year. Well, we might lose to the Lions. Make it 3&1, minimum.
Last years records.
Houston Texans 8-8. (missed playoffs)
Green Bay Packers 13-3. (NFC Championship game)
Now admittedly Farve retired but our talent base is still better and Aaron Rodgers is said to be a young Farve type of player. The coaches have been impressed.
It will be a game, but since it's in Lambeau in December, It won't end well for the Texans
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 9:13:47 AM
|
|
|
.Pammy
Posts: 3993
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
|
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
_____________________________
Pam
<< me at 4
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 9:24:46 AM
|
|
|
tlims
Posts: 516
Status: offline
|
^^^^ lol! cute Pam!
Hey Peeps.... thanks for all the jokes!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 9:25:41 AM
|
|
|
Tinkerbell_
Posts: 4729
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
|
LOLOL!!! I love it Pam!
I love the jokes you post! *huggles*
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 9:38:28 AM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6882
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
I stopped over at freerepublic to read the news this morning and ended up finding a couple real headlines that were notable.
Honest to goodness real headline!!
Police: Crack found in man's buttocks
Have they no editors?
(It's about drugs BTW, not plumbers as one might suppose)
(I've got another real headline but the instant thought it provokes is a little too risque)
Oh, I imagine the editors were really cracking-up over that headline! 
Most Excellent GnM!
I've got stuff to do. Have to split.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 12:52:21 PM
|
|
|
Prairiehiker
Posts: 692
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
|
What Women Want In Men
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What I Want in a Man (age 22)
Handsome
Charming
Financially successful
A caring listener
Witty
In good shape
Dresses with style
Appreciates finer things
Full of thoughtful surprises
An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
Opens car doors, holds chairs
Has enough money for a nice dinner
Listens more than talks
Laughs at my jokes
Carries bags of groceries with ease
Owns at least one tie
Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
Not too ugly (bald head OK)
Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
Nods head when I'm talking
Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
Remembers to put the toilet seat down
Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
Doesn't belch or scratch in public
Doesn't borrow money too often
Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
Appreciates a good TV dinner
Remembers your name on occasion
Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
Doesn't scare small children
Remembers where bathroom is
Doesn't require much money for upkeep
Only snores lightly when asleep
Remembers why he's laughing
Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
Usually wears some clothes
Likes soft foods
Remembers where he left his teeth
Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
Breathing
Doesn't miss the toilet
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 12:56:59 PM
|
|
|
Prairiehiker
Posts: 692
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
|
Three Good Arguments That Jesus Was a Woman, or a Black Woman, or ...
There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother thought he was God.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 12:58:32 PM
|
|
|
mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12768
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
|
Those are great!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 1:02:14 PM
|
|
|
.Pammy
Posts: 3993
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
|
Yes, Prairiehiker, that's priceless. Must steal! Thank you!
_____________________________
Pam
<< me at 4
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 4:36:38 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6882
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
‘Lizard Birth’
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.
Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was ‘something wrong’ with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
‘He’s just lying there looking sick,’ he told me. ‘I’m
serious, Dad. Can you help?’
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
‘Honey,’ I called, ‘come look at the lizard!’
‘Oh, my gosh!’ my wife exclaimed. ‘She’s
having babies.’
‘What?’ my son demanded. ‘But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!’
I was equally outraged.
‘Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t
want them to reproduce,’ I said accusingly to my wife.
‘Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?’ she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)
‘No, but you were supposed to get two boys!’ I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
‘Yeah, Bert and Ernie!’ my son agreed.
‘Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,’ she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
‘Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,’
I announced. ‘We’re about to witness the miracle
of birth..’
‘Oh, gross!’ they shrieked.
‘Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?’ my wife wanted
to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
‘We don’t appear to be making much progress,’ I
noted.
‘It’s breech,’ my wife whispered, horrified.
‘Do something, Dad!’ my son urged.
‘Okay, okay.’ Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
‘Should I call 911?’ my eldest daughter wanted to know
‘Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.’ (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
‘Let’s get Ernie to the vet,’ I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
‘Breathe, Ernie, breathe,’ he urged.
‘I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,’ his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
‘What do you think, Doc, a C-section?’ I suggested
scientifically.
‘Oh, very interesting,’ he murmured. ‘Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?’
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
‘Is Ernie going to be okay?’ my wife asked.
‘Oh, perfectly,’ the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen.
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
m ale species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.’ He
blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
‘So, Ernie’s just . just . . excited,’ my wife offered.
‘Exactly,’ the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
‘What’s so funny?’ I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. ‘It’s just .that . .
I’m picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . ‘
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
‘That’s enough,’ I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
‘I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,’
he told me.
‘Oh, you have NO idea,’ my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/9/2008 11:25:18 PM
|
|
|
Prairiehiker
Posts: 692
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
|
I'll never look at lizards the same again, lol!
I should have read the Lizard story before I went to see Nim's Island. There's tonnes of lizards in that movie. It would have been funnier if I'd seen the joke first.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
