|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/5/2008 11:17:09 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side
saddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll
never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/6/2008 6:57:11 AM
|
|
|
.Pammy
Posts: 4018
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
|
Very good, John!
This one --
quote:
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.
actually made me laugh out loud -- and let me tell you, that is rare!
_____________________________
Pam
<< my mother
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/6/2008 9:41:49 AM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
(for full enjoyment of the following joke please read all quoted material in a Scottish accent)
Long, long ago, when pirates still ran rampant in the Carribean, there was an old Scottish sea captain who routinely took his ship through those waters.
One day while he was in his cabin the first mate knocked on his door
"Captain, Captain, there's a pirate vessel off the port bow"
"Aye laddie, bring me me red shirt"
So the captain got dressed in his red shirt and went up and defeated the pirates (at a great profit no less)
About two weeks pass and again the first mate is at his door
"Captain! Captain!, there's two pirate vessels off the port bow!"
"Aye laddie, bring me me red shirt"
So again they fought and defeated the pirates.
After the battle the first mate asks "Captain I have a question of ye"
"Aye laddie"
"well captain, every time we go into battle you wear your red shirt. Why is that so"
"Well laddie, it's like this. If we're in the midst of battle and I get wounded and blood shows on my shirt the crew will get discouraged and lose heart. But if I never seem to get wounded then they'll fight all the better"
"Aye Captain, that's brilliant!"
About two uneventful weeks pass and the the first mate is again at the captain's door
"CAPTAIN!, CAPTAIN!, There's twenty two pirate vessels off the port bow!!!"
(With a big sigh)
"Aye laddie, Bring me me brown britches"
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/6/2008 12:11:34 PM
|
|
|
shemaromans
Posts: 3854
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
(for full enjoyment of the following joke please read all quoted material in a Scottish accent)
Long, long ago, when pirates still ran rampant in the Carribean, there was an old Scottish sea captain who routinely took his ship through those waters.
One day while he was in his cabin the first mate knocked on his door
"Captain, Captain, there's a pirate vessel off the port bow"
"Aye laddie, bring me me red shirt"
So the captain got dressed in his red shirt and went up and defeated the pirates (at a great profit no less)
About two weeks pass and again the first mate is at his door
"Captain! Captain!, there's two pirate vessels off the port bow!"
"Aye laddie, bring me me red shirt"
So again they fought and defeated the pirates.
After the battle the first mate asks "Captain I have a question of ye"
"Aye laddie"
"well captain, every time we go into battle you wear your red shirt. Why is that so"
"Well laddie, it's like this. If we're in the midst of battle and I get wounded and blood shows on my shirt the crew will get discouraged and lose heart. But if I never seem to get wounded then they'll fight all the better"
"Aye Captain, that's brilliant!"
About two uneventful weeks pass and the the first mate is again at the captain's door
"CAPTAIN!, CAPTAIN!, There's twenty two pirate vessels off the port bow!!!"
(With a big sigh)
"Aye laddie, Bring me me brown britches"
LOL! That one caught me off guard. 
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/6/2008 7:51:25 PM
|
|
|
Prairiehiker
Posts: 840
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
|
THis is too funny.......
(edited for formatting - I hope it works!)
< Message edited by mutinywxgirl -- 5/6/2008 8:40:01 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/6/2008 8:33:24 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
priceless PH!!
I must forward it.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/7/2008 11:46:16 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere,
tubes running over his body like a spider's web, nearly comatose.
A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very
nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes
puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few
days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his
hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to
himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day before
they had the strength to try again.The first man weakly pointed
to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."
The second man replied, "Irish."
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In
another couple of days they were at it again.
Jimmy took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength
to cough out, "Glasgow."
Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."
This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
"Cancer," said Jimmy.
Paddy replied, "Sagittarius."
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/7/2008 11:49:17 PM
|
|
|
shemaromans
Posts: 3854
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
|
Ugh. LOL!
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/7/2008 11:57:42 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
(Being a Pentecostal I had to post this)
Baptist Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23" he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and showing the marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and found the correct passage, then pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal."
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 12:01:17 AM
|
|
|
AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 4143
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: At home and its great!
Status: offline
|
Thats funny John!
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri "I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being." Psalm 104:33
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 7:16:30 AM
|
|
|
.Pammy
Posts: 4018
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
|
Yes, that's a good one, John!
_____________________________
Pam
<< my mother
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 5:07:24 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
Back in the 1880's Montana was a wild and mostly unsettled place. Mail, medicines and most urgent goods were transported by pony express riders going from town to town.
During the spring of 1883 there was a huge flood between the towns of Bad Eye and Pawter. The train went into Bad Eye so they weren't too bad off but Pawter was totally isolated. To make things worse there was a violent outbreak of dysentary in Pawter and the medicines could only get as far as Bad Eye. The roads and trails were flooded out and even most pony express riders saw the trip as too dangerous to attempt.
One rider, Ben, was a very brave young man with a heart full of compassion for his fellow man. He couldn't stand to watch his friends in Pawter die when there was a chance he could get the medicines to them.
So Ben saddled his pony and started off to Pawter. When he got to the rain swollen river he charged right in hoping for the best.
Well the current swept them way down stream but Ben kept pulling his horse's head back upstream and to the other bank, leading him to where the horse could climb out of the river. They climbed the bank and made it to Pawter and saved the people. Ben was the town's hero and they erected a statue to him that stands to this day.
The moral of this story?
You can lead a horse to Pawter but you can't make him sink!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 9:29:19 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
(NON)BIBLICAL PROVERBS
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 9:36:41 PM
|
|
|
woodwind228
Posts: 442
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
|
LOL
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 9:53:55 PM
|
|
|
mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13077
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
|
THAT IS HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/8/2008 10:55:22 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
Another good one PH.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
uh....big truck...cant stop quickly or swerve like y'all. duh!!!!!! 
