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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 4/29/2008 10:47:08 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3353
Joined: 2/11/2008
From: The Hundred Acre Wood
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
Tink that was great!
_____________________________
Nadine
"It's like everything good collided today" quote from my 9 yr old daughter
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 4/30/2008 10:15:54 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 666
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
I kept doing this to my brother at Tiger Fest with Delainey's stroller. Not on purpose but he kept stopping in front of me. I kept saying "OOPS!" I thought it was humorous!
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 4/30/2008 4:00:32 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7120
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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A man named Benjamin was walking along a beach when he stumbled across an old lamp.
He figured to himself. "Hey, this is a nice old brass lamp. I can take it home polish it up, rewire it and it will look great in the front room next to the Major Prize"
So he got home and as he was polishing it a genie came out!
Ben of course was most surprised as you don't expect genies to be in electric lamps.
The genie looked at Ben and said. "Listen Bennie, here's the deal. For freeing me from that forsaken lamp I'll grant you one wish. But pay attention here, Since I was trapped in an electric lamp instead of a nice comfy oil lamp there will be a catch to the wish OK"
Ben thought for a moment and said "OK. Here's my wish. I want to be irresistable to women" (you know how us guys are)
The genie replied. "OK Bennie I can do that but here's the catch. If you ever cut off your whishers I'll have to turn you into a large vase. Deal?"
Ben thinks again. "You know those ZZ-top guys do alright. I'll do it!"
"OK genie make it so!"
The genie says "OK Bennie, done!" and disappears.
"I don't feel any different" Ben thinks to himself.
Well he goes to the store and notices that every woman seems to be attracted to him. He soon finds himself with several girlfriends and far too many one-night stands. It seems no woman can refuse him.
After many years his beard has grown down to his waist and it's getting very inconvenient to move it out of the way to kiss the girls.
So he thinks " I bet that genie was just pulling my leg. No one would turn someone into a large vase"
So he walks to his bathroom and starts to shave. "So far so good"
The moment that last whisker is cut from his face the genie pops in and says "Oh Bennie! I warned you! DONE!"
Ben was turned into a large vase.
And the moral of this story, as you may have guessed:
A Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 4/30/2008 4:18:27 PM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 2696
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: online
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*groans*
That was so bad I had to laugh so I wouldn't cry....
_____________________________
Jeannie
Who needs coffee??????
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 4/30/2008 4:46:50 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7120
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: soccermom_4_life
*groans*
That was so bad I had to laugh so I wouldn't cry....
Ah the sweet sweet sound of success!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 4/30/2008 4:48:02 PM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 2696
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: online
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I think the Pastors have found me out........
was caught laughing at John.....
_____________________________
Jeannie
Who needs coffee??????
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/1/2008 7:46:17 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4061
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: online
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How to Photograph a New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera. (okay, this is for pre-digital days)
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
_____________________________
Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/1/2008 9:05:33 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 2696
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: online
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When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane and going the wrong way...
_____________________________
Jeannie
Who needs coffee??????
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/1/2008 6:07:39 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3854
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
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Pamela Sue, that was very cute--and true!
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/1/2008 6:29:27 PM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4061
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shemaromans
Pamela Sue, that was very cute--and true!
Almost makes me want another puppy - but then I comes to my senses. I'm not going through that again!
_____________________________
Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/2/2008 10:55:26 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7120
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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1. The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. My mother-in-law just tried to run me over! the shaken man told the cop.The car hit you from behind, the officer said. How could you tell it was your mother-in-law? I recognized her laugh!
2. Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
3. Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and its up to women to stomp the #### out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/2/2008 10:58:35 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 2696
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: online
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LMHO, John. I had never heard that last one before.......
_____________________________
Jeannie
Who needs coffee??????
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/2/2008 11:13:34 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4061
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: online
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quote:
2. Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
I'm especially fond of this one!
Must . . . steal share
_____________________________
Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/2/2008 11:17:34 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 2696
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: online
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A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen....
... and my kitchen is delirious.........
_____________________________
Jeannie
Who needs coffee??????
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/2/2008 2:05:58 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7120
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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The parrot trilogy- Part 1
A man went to the pet store to buy a parrot. There were several available for about $150 but there was one marked down to $15 dollars and kept in a cage in a locked room near the back of the store.
Admiring the beautiful plumage the guy asked the storekeeper "what's with this parrot?"
"Well", the store keeper replied "this bird was owned by a third rate criminal who had a horrendously filthy vocabulary. We used to keep it with the other birds but it was teaching them bad habits. It has a nasty disposition and a worse vocabulary"
The guy thought to himself, "It's a bird, how bad could it be. And it certainly is beautiful"
"I'll take it" he says.
So he gets the bird home and gets the cage set up and the bird starts in on him. Saying the most cruel, foul things. Insulting his manhood and swearing up a blue streak.
The man tries everything to get the bird to be nice, he gets it treats, good food, a nice lamp to warm itself under. Everything a bird could want. But nothing works.
Finally after two weeks of constant abuse the guy loses it. He opens the cage, grabs the parrot and shoves it into the freezer where he won't have to listen to it.
Ahh peace and quiet. But then he finds he can hear an awful racket coming from inside the freezer. Words foul enough to strip paint, screeches and squawks and the sudddenly silence.
"Oh No" he thinks, "I've killed it"
So he goes to the freezer and opens it up, expecting to find a dead parrot (beautiful plumage though).
Instead the parrot steps gingerly out of the freezer, onto his shoulder, looks him right in the eye and says in the most pleasant voice. "I'm sorry. I now realize that my behavior and language was unacceptable. I promise I will do better and will never use such words again"
The man is totally taken aback as the parrot continues.
"I'd like to ask one question though. What did the chicken do?"
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/2/2008 2:06:58 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7120
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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The parrot trilogy - Part 2
A priest walks into a pet store to buy a female companion for his parrots at home. He looks around and comes across a bird with beautiful plumage for just the right price.
He asks the store keeper "How much for this parrot?"
"oh, you don't want that one father, It was the pet at a whore house and it has the worst habits and language"
"that's OK. my son, I have two male parrots at home who do nothing but pray. I'm sure between the three of us we can reform this poor lost bird."
So he takes the parrot home. When he arrives his parrots at home are deep in prayer. So he very quietly puts the female parrot into the cage.
The new parrot looks at the males and says "Hey boys, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot bumps the other and says "Stop praying George, our prayers have been answered"
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/2/2008 2:08:08 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7120
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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The Parrot trilogy - Part 3
A woman goes to the pet store, sees a parrot for sale, only 50 bucks. "That's a great price for a parrot, what's wrong with it"? she asks.
The salesperson says "That Parrot used to work in the downtown brothel that was just shut down, and it's got quite a vocabulary".
The woman feels sorry for the poor bird, so she buys it and takes it home.
As soon as she sets it up in the living room, the parrot speaks "New Home, New Madam".
The woman is offended, but remembering the bird's background decides she can live with it.
The woman's twin teenage daughters walk in after school. The woman says "come see the new Parrot"!
When they walk into the room, the Parrot chirps "New Home, New Madam, and New Hookers!". The girls gasp, but the mother explains the situation and they have a good laugh.
A little later, the Father comes home from work. The woman yells for him to come to the living room to see what she got.
The father walks into the room, and that Parrot chimes "Hi Harry, how you been"
(The lesson to be learned here is always live honorably, You never know who's watching or when they'll speak)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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