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40+ Something and Single Encouragement Thread - 6/24/2006 3:58:35 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1245
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In reading SC1tor's post about giving up, us forty-sometings want the same things that the 30's somethings and even the 20 something wants and that is being in love with someone, and eventually getting married again in some cases.
Sometimes too, us 40-somethings want to give up too, especially the women because us women who are 40 feel that many of the 40-something men want to go to their younger counterparts. This makes us 40-something women discouraged at times--discoraged at the lack of men who are interesed in us. And it may be the same with the men too, when they also face discoragement and heartbreak also.
We know we have Christ in our lives and love him and he wants the best for us, but there are times that us 40 and older women and men just feel that way in the giving up stage--However, we need people too around us to uplift us when we have those attacks and those thoughts which makes us feel unworthy sometimes.
40-somethings, how do you feel sometimes? And what does you do when you have those feelings of giving up? post it so you can encourage the rest of us who sometimes feel discoraged at times..
< Message edited by mutinywxgirl -- 10/14/2008 8:24:47 PM >
_____________________________
Hear "The Truth" with the "other"l Jeff Johnson(http://www.calvarydowney.org)
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/24/2006 7:44:07 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1245
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From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jewelsnametaken
Hi Gayle....I am one of those who HAS given up the hope in finding a partner...And how freeing that has been for me.  I gave it up to the Lord! My hope is in Christ where it needs to be. How much life I wasted worrying and obsessing over finding a mate I do not really know. All I do know for sure is that is was way too much.
The more I "obsessed" over it, the worse my self esteem got. Misery set in!  It really helps to put those thoughts away. IF it is in His will, for me to meet someone, not just someone, but the one, it WILL happen. In His time. Life is much happier (for me anyway!) to put the focus on other things, friends, family, helping others with their needs....you know what I mean.
jewels
Hey, in response to your post, many would say to you, "you are not trying hard enough" or they might say, " God won't give you a spouse, so you have to make things happen." The reason why people are frustrated about finding a mate and being obcessed with it is because they have not gave that area to the Lord.
And it sad to see single Christians being frustrated about this area because once people get interested and the other person loses interest, they feel that is something wrong with them and they want to give up. I was one of those persons who was obcessed in finding someone too and one day I had to give the matter over to God and not stressing about it neither.
I'ts not easy at times.....
I'm finding out that a lot of people once they see posts about some couple getting together on here, people post in response saying that "God won't have anything for me, never"--And until people give it up and over to God and let him direct their path, you will still see people being frustrated.
< Message edited by gaylel1 -- 6/24/2006 7:46:24 PM >
_____________________________
Hear "The Truth" with the "other"l Jeff Johnson(http://www.calvarydowney.org)
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/24/2006 8:18:54 PM
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jewelsnametaken
Posts: 4
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: MB SC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gaylel1
--And until people give it up and over to God and let him direct their path, you will still see people being frustrated. [/color][/font]
Yes! I agree 100 percent!
I believe one of my problem areas was listening to others people, and their thoughts on what my life should be. They could not, and still can not stand to see me single. It was pure dread to attend social functions, knowing I would hear: "haven't you met anyone yet?"
lol....Though they still are thinking those thoughts...they do not say them to me anymore!
It only took a few times for me setting them straight....
We never know what or who God has right around the corner for us!
jewels
_____________________________
"It is true that Pit Bulls grab and hold on. But what they most often grab and refuse to let go of is your heart, not your arm." -Vicki Hearne
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/24/2006 8:19:52 PM
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princessreba
Posts: 374
Joined: 11/30/2005
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My hope is solidly in the Lord because He has promised me a spouse so at this
stage, I know I am in the center of His will for my life and no amt of whining is
going to bring that mate into my life because God has His appointed time. I have
learnt it is useless to argue with Him so I just perservere and continue on in the
victorious life He has given me. I try to stay focus on what He has for me RIGHT
NOW! I gave my "ashes" to Jesus and I refuse to take them back. So, when those
times when satan wants to get me anxious about the future, I stand in my
authority in Christ! I believe we can make idols out of our singleness, thus
making us easy prey for the enemy. So, the next time you speak, ask yourself-
Do I want to speak God's word over my life or speak satan's words? Your focus,
your choice. God will not override your will.
_____________________________
Irish Princess-"If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble & fall on open ground, what will you do in the thickets?" Jeremiah 12:5
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/25/2006 1:44:27 AM
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McCloud
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I would like to comment on one point that was made. Many men may age (50 ++) are out chasing younger woman. Why on earth are these guys doing this? What would I have in common with a woman that is young enough to be my daughter? If I ever get married it will be to a woman close to my own age simply because first of all I would be embarrassed dating a young woman.
One of the problems I see is that we get set in our ways, or become afraid of a relationship especially the older we get. I know the older I get my personal interest change and sometimes those interests aren’t what most women are interested in. I also think there are a lot of people that have been hurt badly and are extremely fearful of another relationship.
Oh, and yea we do go out and buy motorcycles so we can act like overgrown kids. Just make sure they have a good healthy life insurance policy.
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/25/2006 6:51:24 AM
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Applekrate
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From: Maricopa, Az
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One very legit reason that men in that age range seek younger women is to want to have a family. Many women prefer an older guy from the time they start to date because they are more mature, usually have more assets and they can live an easier life. Many women cannot or should not have kids in their 40s, esp if it their first. Younger women are a natural choice for having a family. If there is something wrong with this shown in scripture please show it here.
Many of the women I have dated that have been through a divorce or two and have kids talk like they are combat veterans. When they talk that way, it is harder for me to want to get romantically interested in them. Younger gals usualy don't talk that way.
Here's another idea for some of you. If a 40's women feels 40's men aren't interested in her, there are always 50's men and on and on.
There were comments made about being set in your ways. Being set in your ways definately makes it harder to match with someone. This society has gotten so spoiled that each of us set higher and higher standards all the time, both inside and outside of our faith that, in many ways, it almost makes it impossible to get along in a serious relationship let alone marriage. I see it all the time. She isn't happy with him, he complains about her, etc, etc. It seems more prevelant with the 30s and 40s crowd. Look at the stats on divorces in these age ranges and look at all of us who are single partly or mainly because of it.
In contrast- Look at this example. My Dad died at 61 after 40 years of marriage. Who would have thought my mom would have remarried 8 years later at 68? I would never have. Now she is 82, the 'new' guy is 78. They have been married for 14 years, they almost never argue, they are just happy to have each other.
My mom, even at 68 found another guy and got married so I is possible at any age.
I think senior couples realize the value of companionship better than us 30s and 40s crowd. Maybe those of us still single will realize this later in life or better yet, sooner in life. . Companionship is a good thing.
Steve
< Message edited by Applekrate -- 6/25/2006 7:43:37 AM >
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/25/2006 7:02:38 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12579
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From: west coast of FL
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At 45 and never married (or even very close), I stopped worrying about this part of my life a long time ago. I knew that when the time was right, God would bring someone to me. While I wanted to date and did date, I also knew that each one of these guys was not the right one for me. I also prayed for the Lord to let me know when it was right. Funny thing is, that when I was just focusing on my family and my work, 'it' happened, and now I'm just waiting for the Lord to work out the logistics of us being together. Yep, I've waited a long time and still have to wait some more.....but that doesn't matter. Knowing that this is what God has in store for me more than makes it tolerable. I can't focus on what I don't have yet, but am so incredibly thankful for what I do have, that I cannot even begin to say.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/25/2006 9:33:16 AM
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princessreba
Posts: 374
Joined: 11/30/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: valenciarose
I'm 41 and have been widowed for almost four years, I tried to date way too soon after my husband died and came close to disaster. I have resolved to God's timing...Yeah the prospects look bleak, but I know that if it is in His plan He will take care of it. I have given up. I've given up trying on my own efforts, my own "wisdom", or my own strength. what I haven't given up on is GOD. Right now I am focusing on my relationship with Him, and raising my kids, and serving in the Body of Christ. (eyes off me!) The desire is there and He knows it, I often pour out my heart to Him. What I am trying to stop doing is handing Him the script I have written (co-starring any single man I meet) and asking him to direct the show!  Sometimes there is expectation, other times resignation, but mostly lately there has determination that I will NEVER put my desires or self-pity before the Lord.
Amen! I like your last line, we must always(seems like EVERYDAY) submit our lives
to Christ and His will for our lives in any way He sees fit! Sometimes harsh circumstances
come into our lives to keep us soft and pliable in His hands but they are HIS HANDS so we
know we can trust in Him and Him alone and everything comes out for our good (in the end).
I am really sorry for your husband's death,the nails in His hands... Bless you sister! 
_____________________________
Irish Princess-"If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble & fall on open ground, what will you do in the thickets?" Jeremiah 12:5
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/25/2006 11:59:11 AM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1245
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
Status: offline
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quote:
One very legit reason that men in that age range seek younger women is to want to have a family. Many women prefer an older guy from the time they start to date because they are more mature, usually have more assets and they can live an easier life. Many women cannot or should not have kids in their 40s, esp if it their first. Younger women are a natural choice for having a family. If there is something wrong with this shown in scripture please show it here.
Steve, not trying to be harsh, but I have to disagree with your statement because there are 40-somethings who and I do mean they have children later in life. And then there are some young women who cannot have kids because of medical conditions or trama. You cannot base you assumsions because every woman is different. And then too, some younger women cannot deal with a older man. Look at Paul Mc Cartney and Heather Mills. Was this a perfect union? no it was not because she did not deal with his issues, and Paul did not deal with hers. So these types of relationships can work or cannot work.
quote:
Many of the women I have dated that have been through a divorce or two and have kids talk like they are combat veterans. When they talk that way, it is harder for me to want to get romantically interested in them. Younger gals usualy don't talk that way.
Well, Steve, many of these women been hurt and betrayed by men who thought they would love them and cherish them the rest of their life. Again, I have to disagree with the younger gals, because there are many younger gals who also experienced pain in relationships. They are no better than the older ones because they also been through pain. So to say it is easier for younger women to express interest, I don't think this is the case. It depends on the indivisual, not the age.
quote:
There were comments made about being set in your ways. Being set in your ways definately makes it harder to match with someone. This society has gotten so spoiled that each of us set higher and higher standards all the time, both inside and outside of our faith that, in many ways, it almost makes it impossible to get along in a serious relationship let alone marriage. I see it all the time. She isn't happy with him, he complains about her, etc, etc. It seems more prevelant with the 30s and 40s crowd. Look at the stats on divorces in these age ranges and look at all of us who are single partly or mainly because of it.
I think the reason is that people want it all--that is the fantasy that people bought into on televison about marriage and living happily ever after. Well, being "Happily Ever After" does not equals reality of a marriage and some of those people I bet you never went to counseling not knowing what to expect in a marriage. These people may have not realized that marriage takes work--and I mean it is a life time process, better or worse.
quote:
In contrast- Look at this example. My Dad died at 61 after 40 years of marriage. Who would have thought my mom would have remarried 8 years later at 68? I would never have. Now she is 82, the 'new' guy is 78. They have been married for 14 years, they almost never argue, they are just happy to have each other.
My mom, even at 68 found another guy and got married so I is possible at any age.
I think senior couples realize the value of companionship better than us 30s and 40s crowd. Maybe those of us still single will realize this later in life or better yet, sooner in life. . Companionship is a good thing.
I know of a very famous woman pastor who re-married right now in her 70's. And I agree that companisionship is a good thing. But at times too, sometimes you have to have that alone time.
_____________________________
Hear "The Truth" with the "other"l Jeff Johnson(http://www.calvarydowney.org)
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/25/2006 10:32:15 PM
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netstroller
Posts: 158
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: dust and ashes
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quote:
40-somethings, how do you feel sometimes? And what does you do when you have those feelings of giving up?
Actually, in my case, God wanted me to have those fellings of "giving up" pursuit of a mate. I had a strong desire to have someone in my life to share things with and do things with...alway had, since my teens. It was painful sometimes, it was so strong a desire.
But God wanted me to be free of that and be content with singleness, and I think I'm in a pretty good place with that now with only occassional set backs. I'm pretty content with being single, though there's still a desire, but it's not the overwhelming desire it was and amost never hurts anymore.
So my encouragement would be not so much to not give up, but that with God's help peace is possible though it takes time and effort.
_____________________________
...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, ...
(Heb 12:1-2)
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/26/2006 12:16:21 AM
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McCloud
Posts: 7
Joined: 5/27/2006
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Steve,
I didn’t imply there was anything Biblically wrong with wanting a younger woman, I just don’t think it is a good idea, at least not for me. Is it possible you think a younger woman is going to make you look or feel younger? I have also heard younger woman make very crude remarks about older guys hitting on them. I’m in my late fifties and have a daughter in her thirties. Now be honest how would it look if I was dating a woman young enough to be my daughter? If I was twenty years younger and she was twenty years younger I would be a pedophile. Maybe that is an abstract way of looking at it but that is just how I feel. Personally I like the maturity and wisdom most older woman have and that is worth a lot more to me than anything most younger woman would have to offer. Now I don’t want to get in trouble here, I know many younger woman are very mature so please don’t take offense to my opinion. Well I better shut up while I’m ahead.
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/26/2006 10:59:52 AM
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Applekrate
Posts: 10
Joined: 4/17/2006
From: Maricopa, Az
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McCloud,
I've heard women make crude remarks about men of all ages so what does that prove? nada.
If you like older women for you, that is great, there are plenty of them to choose from.
No, a younger women doesn't make me feel younger. I have no problems with my age or they way I look, not at all. The comments and references were made about wanting to have a family. A woman in her child bearing years.
Your comparisons to you thinking abstract about the way out thought of being a pedofile for wanting a younger woman is just nuts. No one has even remotely referred to wanting a child (under 18) for someone in their 30s-40s. I don't know where you got that one from.
If you are in your 30s, 40s, 50s and have kids in their 20s or 30s you, obviously, have a very different perspective on life than someone your age without kids or a spouse. You have experienced things raising kids and watching them grow into adults that change your perspective on life. However, a single person, regardless of gender, has a very different perspective on life than you do. Maybe try looking at things from the other persons shoes if you are curious ( and you have indicated you are). Maybe expand yourself a bit and, instead of thinking perverted or wrong thoughts, think rationally about why a man would want a younger gal.
Your feelings are fine, they are yours, however, again show me something in scripture where the Lord says it is wrong. Things are either sinful or they are not, correct?
I have no problem at all being with someone younger than me. If you don't like, it is your problem. I could care less what anyone thinks or comments about it.
Now I need to live my life based on what others may 'comment' about it? I think your comments are selfish.
As for comments about what other people think- I already have people comment all the time about what I drive. Most comments are very positive, you cannot got out of the car without someone saying something. Some 'all knowing', self centered, thoughtless soul occasionally makes a comment to me about my driving a 'midlife crisis 60s hot rod car'. I simply and kindly reply that I have owned this car since I was a teen, I wanted one since I was 7 years old, I saved all my money as a kid and I paid for it myself and I maintained it myself for decades now. I drive what I drive because I like it, it has nothing to do with what anyone thinks.
Those people who make comments like that, including ones about age differences, are the real shallow ones. They are judging a book by its cover. They really do not have a clue as to what is going on, they just want to gossip and insult and put people down if it isn't up to 'their' standards. Sorry, I am not a part of that group.
Gayle, I don't know if you are a doctor or know stats or not. Or maybe every peice of info I have gathered is wrong but, according to 2 MDs, a gyno and several women including my sister, past girlfriends, and other gal friends, I have learned over the years that women after 35 run much higher risks of having retarded kids, miscarriages and there are many other complications. I understand it is somewhat lesser for women who have had kids earlier versus someone having their first. Sure women of all ages can have complications with child bearing, that is not the point. The point is it is more pronounced after about 35.
Steve
< Message edited by Applekrate -- 6/26/2006 11:44:46 AM >
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/26/2006 11:43:37 AM
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barbi
Posts: 2285
Joined: 5/22/2005
From: New York
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Let's not turn this thread into a arguemant ok?
I'm in my late 40's and a never married single mom. They are all adults in thier 20's now.
Just keep seeking after GOD and learn to be content right where you are at. (yes I know it is easier said then done) There is a peacefulness that comes with being contented where you are at
I have had to learn to be content right where I am and it was a lot of tears and asking and other things that I learned contentment
I'm having a hard time saying what I want to say I mean I know what I want to say I just can't get what I want to say on a post
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/26/2006 12:32:14 PM
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Brenda-lee
Posts: 1440
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Gayle, great idea for a thread! 
Keeping in mind this is an ‘encouragement thread’ – not a debate or argument thread, okie dokie? 
quote:
40-somethings, how do you feel sometimes?
Ok, this one I totally qualify for……being 43 and a single mom – being statistically a challenge  , and really by the worlds standards being without a hope or a prayer.
However, I walk by faith, not sight or feelings, or desire! We must always remember that. It is easy to reject the will of God for our lives to seek out our own. I could do that right now! I am not boasting.......but I choose to follow where He leads. It is no field of daisies, but I have peace, and the council of my God.
I totally identify with each of you and where you are in your journey in the Lord. At one point I likened being single to walking on a slip and slide covered in cooking oil. Because every step you took was another step to falling down.  Or riding one of those mechanical bulls set on the most difficult setting.  A lot of that was by my own doing. Refusing to trust that God was really for me and not against me. That He actually had a future and a hope for my life. There still are up and down days. The desire to live in the will of God – or chase after what I believe (at that moment) being my desire. I stand by the truth that God’s will is for my best.
I know that whatever God has for me………whether it be in singleness or in a married state I need to know how to be 'in the now' ‘content’ or how can I be content where He wants to take me?
quote:
And what does you do when you have those feelings of giving up?
Giving up is really not in my vocabulary. I will try to find a way to be content in my situation or try (to no avail) figure out what God is doing. Or ask God to search my heart and repent. Who knows maybe I am just wacky! Giving up really is not something I do easily.
quote:
post it so you can encourage the rest of us who sometimes feel discouraged at times..
I would seriously like to encourage you my single and 40 something friends, and family in the Lord. We are ok, do NOT give up Trust God. .
Oh before I forget - When that time comes and we all know it will – you know the time I am talking about – the very ugly  pity party – the party no one wants to attend. Surrender it – Give it over to the Lord. Over and Over and Over and Over again. Repeat as necessary.
Our wonderful Savior put it like this………..
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I do not know if any of what I wrote encouraged you in the least – the only place to find that peace and rest – and remaining joy is in God through our Savior.
I have spoken the truth as I know it to each of you.
 (((GroupHug)))
_____________________________
BrendaLee
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/26/2006 6:00:55 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1245
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: uncabeeil
Give up?? Like others here have said, the only giving up I've done is to give it up to God. After all, He's driving this bus, I'm just a passenger. I am absolutely sure that if I'm supposed to marry, He'll make it happen. It's been my prayer since I decided to turn back to Him 6 years ago. Gee, a couple more years and I won't be able to post in this thread any more.
Thanks .....
And Brenda, you are right--this is an encouragment thread, not a debate thread. There is enough debate type threads--well there are too many as it is right now in this channel, KWIM?
All us 40 somethings need right now is support in here sometimes and make us feel that we are worth it in God's kingdom, not tearing down as sometimes we see on this board at times.
I know a lot of you who are 40 who are here are a great source of support because you been through divorces, deaths of spouces and never been married, yet you know, we have a unique set of problems and face discouragment, especially from other christians who had not experienced what we experienced.
So let's encourage one another and not tear down one another, ok...
_____________________________
Hear "The Truth" with the "other"l Jeff Johnson(http://www.calvarydowney.org)
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/26/2006 8:38:46 PM
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McCloud
Posts: 7
Joined: 5/27/2006
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Steve
I do have a good habit of sticking my foot in my mouth. My intent was not to make you feel guilty about your desires, nor did I imply there was anything Biblicaly wrong with what you desire. I was career military and my wife took off with my daughter when she was three years old, it took me many years to find them so I never had the opportunity to watch her grow up. However at my age to start a family would be nuts for me, heck I might not live long enough to see them grow up. So yes I was speaking from my own perspective and I didn’t consider your feeling and desires. Personally I wouldn’t be interested in a woman that wanted more children however if she already had them that would be fine. I guess what I should have been saying is that I can relate better with someone closer to my own age.
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RE: 40-Something and Single Encoragment Thread - 6/26/2006 8:50:06 PM
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McCloud
Posts: 7
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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Ladies I have a question for you. What about the Christian dating web sites? Are they any good? What do you think is a healthy age spread, five, ten, fifteen years?
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