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introverted 4 year old - 10/6/2008 11:47:56 PM
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amcnelly
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i have three wonderful girls. ages 8 4 and 1 1/2 my problem is that my oldest and my youngest are very outgoing. they have personalities that just fill up a room. but i am worried about my middle daughter. she is very shy and seems to prefer being by herself. it worries me that she doesn't seem to make friends. when other kids are around she will still play alone. i am afraid that she won't develop socially the way she should because she doesn't interact with other children. what can i do to help pull her out of her shell?
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/7/2008 4:56:24 AM
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Alsgal
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My second of four children is introverted. My oldest is very outgoing and many people find it hard to believe that the two are brothers. There is a difference between being introverted and being shy. My son was shy and introverted. As he has grown, he is now 14, he has become less shy. I really noticed a change in the last year. But he is still introverted. I believe that you can outgrow shyness, but once an introvert, always an introvert. Your daughter might just be shy or a combination of both.
Please don't buy into the assumption that being an introvert is a bad thing. It is just different than being an extrovert. If you google the characteristics of an introvert you might find some answers as to why your daughter likes to be alone, play alone and is happy that way. I did not find this out until my son was in sixth grade. We actually had to take some articles about introverts to his teachers so they would understand why he took longer to answer questions, etc.
Introverts can be easily drained by large groups of people. They regain energy by being alone. They take time in answering questions because they want to be right. They tend to not look at people when they answer questions because they are concentrating on their answer.
There are many examples of famous people who are introverts and some of them may surprise you, like Steven Spielberg.
If your daughter is shy, she will probably outgrow it. And this could take some time. But if she is truly an introvert, don't try to make her be like her sisters because it will be a losing battle. You would be conveying the message that she is not good enough. Like my husband who is an extrovert says, God didn't mess up when he made our son an introvert. God made him that way for a reason. I must say it has been a joy to watch him grow and develop into a thoughtful, funny young man who doesn't need others to be happy and confident. I hope you experience the same with your young daughter.
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/7/2008 10:11:19 AM
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emjayzee
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That was a great post, Alsgal.
Does your 4yo play contentedly alone? That is, is she into what she is doing? Or does she seem to be watching others frequently? IMO, the former is fine, the latter indicates a desire to be playing with others that she may need some help with. Since your older child is so outgoing, can you ask her to specifically include the 4yo sometimes? This wouldn't be appropriate all the time, of course. But if there is a mixed-age group playing together, maybe your 8yo could help her join the group. If shyness is part of the problem, this could help her overcome it.
Does she interact well with her sisters?
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unicorns borrowed from Matthew Webber, copyright 2002
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/7/2008 10:16:46 AM
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garsyt
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Just because your other two are outgoing and the life of the party doesn't mean that is the way your middle child should be.
I to have a very content to be by herself with a good book kinda kid. Even as a 3 and 4 year old she would rather be by herself. She is now almost 11 and STILL prefers having just a few close friends as opposed to lots. My daughter is just now beginning to take more risks and find what works for her. She is still very introverted BUT she KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt what she wants out of life. She knows what makes a good friend and who she can depend on and who depends on her.
Your daughter is 4. Remember that. She has a lot of time to find and develop friendships. Many introverted people are very careful and very choosy and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. They don't like to make mistakes and when they make a friend it's usually a life-long friend. When she does play with others like in a game or something - does she interact? Could it be that her older sister is ALWAYS taking center stage and speaking for the both of them that she has decided that it's just easier to let someone else make all the decisions. Often times introverted children DO get over shadowed by more outgoing classmates and siblings.
Being an introvert isn't better or worse then being an extrovert. It's just different. If I were you I would spend more time focusing on your 4 year old positive traits - such as is she thoughtful, caring, focused, sensitive, creative, content, and smart?
Actually I find an introverted, laid back, quiet personality quite refreshing - especially in a household of people that all want to be the center of attention!
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/7/2008 11:58:11 AM
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Auben
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It must be difficult that your daughter is so different then what you are used to.
Like the others have said, there's nothing wrong with being introverted. It's even normal for a young introvert to be shy. Shyness is just being careful when you have so little experience dealing with others (or that experience has often been negative). As long as she spends time with others at church, school, sports, and activities she will most likely outgrow her shyness on her own.
Introverts enjoy their alone time. It's very important to them. An introvert who isn't allowed to be alone will be tired and irritable and will eventually create escapes like reading, video games, headphones...anything which will give them a little space so they can recharge. It's important for your daughter to have that time to recharge so she can deal with others when it's time to be out.
I'm an introvert and I was very shy for many years. I'm still a quiet person. I don't have hundreds of friends but I tend to make good friends/best friends more than others. Introverts value other people. They just like them in ones and twos...not groups.
Children also change. My more introverted children (as toddlers/preschoolers) became more talkative. My more outgoing ones become more careful. Watch your daughter, enjoy her personality, give her some small controlled places to deal with others, give her time to herself. She'll grow and blossom in her own way.
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Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/7/2008 2:31:10 PM
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lindi143
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Both of my boys were and are very introverted and they are very thoughtful and have great traits. They just really need time to themselves. When school is over they espcailly need quiet time. They have been with people all day and they have had enough. They go the their room and just chill. It is hard when the children are different but different is good you just have to learn how to handle them and what they need. Dont try to change them, that is confusing to them. They will feel different anyway, they need to feel they are special and God made them the way they are. She will be fine.
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/7/2008 8:49:34 PM
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pbaribeault
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I just skimmed, so I hope this hasn't been said already...
Along with the idea that there is nothing wrong with being introverted, one of the problems that might crop up is that if your daughter senses that you are disproving or even fearful of her natural temperament, she may begin to internalize the idea that there is something 'wrong' with how she is wired. As her mom, you are the largest single influence on her personality and self-esteem. It will mean a lot to her if you rejoice in her, welcome her and praise her for who God made her to be. This will give her the strength-of-self to be brave in social situations (and other areas of life) knowing that she is valuable and that it is not dangerous to let people know the 'real' her.
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/7/2008 11:39:31 PM
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MrsTracy72
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I suppose if it were a huge problem to me that I would have her evaluated to make sure there isn't something going on. My husband's son has aspbergers and he is very delayed when it comes to the social type things. I just think that while there may be nothing wrong with her and that may be what a psychologist would say, it might give you peace of mind to have her evaluated for either learning disablities, or to see if she is functioning at a higher level and needs a different type of stimulation socially. But I would only do an evaluation if her lack of socialization is enough to make you worry.
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/8/2008 12:15:21 AM
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myka
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Does your introverted child interact at all with other children?
Does she interact more in smaller groups, does it take her a while to get comfortable in new situations?
Does she pick up social cues, show concern for others?
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/8/2008 10:59:04 PM
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amcnelly
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she doesn't really interact with her sisters...the oldest is in school most of the day so when she first gets home she is really happy to see her and then she goes about her own thing......she plays with the baby but its only for short periods of time......
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/8/2008 11:01:54 PM
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amcnelly
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i know that there is nothing wrong with her being introverted, i am just concerned that because of it she won't develop the social skills that she needs, i worry that by the time she starts school it will be too much for her. she doesn't seem to do well when there are a lot of people around. when it is just her and i she does okay but as soon as there are more people around she draws into herself.
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/8/2008 11:16:34 PM
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myka
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So, does she do better in one on one situations and small groups?
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/9/2008 12:26:35 AM
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creationtalk
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quote:
ORIGINAL: amcnelly
i know that there is nothing wrong with her being introverted, i am just concerned that because of it she won't develop the social skills that she needs, i worry that by the time she starts school it will be too much for her. she doesn't seem to do well when there are a lot of people around. when it is just her and i she does okay but as soon as there are more people around she draws into herself.
You know, in a lot of ways you have described the young me. I am not outgoing, I was generally shy and introverted. I interacted more with my mother than others. I did not have a lot of friends in school--I tended to be more mature than my classmates due to interacting with my mother more than children my age. My siblings were outgoing and popular, with many friends. I was not/did not. I was very self sufficient, able to entertain myself quite well. I don't know if my parents experienced any of the anxiety that you are expressing, but I can tell you that my personality and the ability to function independent of people served me very well when I went away to college.
Few of my classmates were able to leave our little town and do well. I was used to being alone, so it did not bother me not knowing anyone. And while at college, I began to meet people with whom I had a lot in common. I had a few friends at each of the various schools I attended. I'm not sure that I would be where I am today if I had been more outgoing and social...I have 3 graduate degrees, I'm well respected in my career field, work I've done was included in briefs to the president last spring. I have many and varied friends. I'm still not the life of the party. I don't handle crowds well, though I've given presentations to international audiences.
The point of this is, don't worry about your daughter. Give her occasions where she can have social interaction with others (all ages) who have common interests (something to discuss), encourage her and help her develop talents. Don't compare her to her siblings or indicate that you think she should be different. If she expresses concern herself, help her to see the positives of her personality.
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/9/2008 1:08:31 AM
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1love1God1way
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quote:
ORIGINAL: amcnelly
i know that there is nothing wrong with her being introverted, i am just concerned that because of it she won't develop the social skills that she needs, i worry that by the time she starts school it will be too much for her. she doesn't seem to do well when there are a lot of people around. when it is just her and i she does okay but as soon as there are more people around she draws into herself.
I think she'll be alright. Us introverts tend to find our pocket of friends, instead of just bouncing around from person to person.
Relationships tend to be deeper and more intimate in introvert people, but the relationships tend to be fewer.
Thoughts are processed internally, and so can emotions be done so. It doesn't mean that things aren't clicking and turning, it just isn't quite as obvious.
Encourage her to find close friends, and to grow in with them. Don't try and make her be a social butterfly. She simply isn't going to be one, and to try and put that pressure on an introvert is rough.
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love.ben
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/10/2008 12:11:18 AM
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narnia
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Another thing to consider-if you look at many of the prophets in the Bible, they too were introverts.
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RE: introverted 4 year old - 10/23/2008 1:24:45 PM
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amcnelly
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thank you all so much for the replies....i appreciate all the suggestions i have received........
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He just got comfortable. He'll never be the class clown but he's very popular for being 'the nice kid.' 