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from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 2:55:55 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
DOND He/she is a non custodian parent of teenagers. Though he/she only sees the children every other weekend he/she wants you to step into a mother role to the teenagers instead of a aunt type role.
Deal: Wanting me to play the Aunt type role would make it a no deal.
The quoted statements above got me thinking.
As older singles many of us will probably marry a man/woman with children or have children of our own.
If you marry a man or woman with young children how do you see your role in the children's life?
How much of a factor would the ex parent's relationship with her/his children play in the role you step into in a child's life?
Would being custodian/non custodian parent influence the role into which you step?
Do you believe your role would be the same no matter the age of the children?
Do you believe you can fulfill a very important role or need in a child's(teenagers in particular) life without being called mom?
As an aunt I have and continue to play a huge role in the lives of my niece's ............I love them with all that I have, sacrifice for them, and always put their needs before my own........in many ways I have laid my life down for the girls I love..........they know they are loved, valued and can come to me for anything.
But I also realize I am not their mother...........and no matter how much I love them, how precious they are to me, and how much I feel motherly love for them I would never want to try and take or replace the role their mother has in their lives............
If I marry a man with younger children, or children who's mother is no longer around I will gladly step into the role of their mother and will think of myself as such..........but if I marry a man who has teenage children, who live with and have a close relationship with their mother, I would not want to try and be a mother........I would love them in the same way I love my nieces.........that doesn't mean I love them any less then if I thought of myself as their mother but it does mean I respect the position, authority and relationship a mother has with her children so much that I would understand my bond would never be that of a mother with her child..........and I would gladly step into the role of supporter, helping and encourager......my hope would be to strengthen the relationship the children have with their mother not weaken it.........which is how I see the role of an aunt.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 3:25:25 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4209
Joined: 11/6/2007
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this is a good idea for a thread. you outlined different situations and to me i don't see any one right answer that applies generally. younger child especially one without a relationship to the other parent, i could definately see being a parent. but i think my spouse and i would be kidding ourselves if i tried acting like a parent to a step child that stays over a couple nights a month and haven't built any type of relationship with.
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 4:01:37 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12579
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Just don't keep the conversation in there - bring it HERE!
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Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 4:23:50 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
Also, If you go into a marriage with children as anything other than a full fledged parent, with full authority, there are children and teens that will take full advantage of that and run rough shot over you. Anything other than a full fledged parent is disrespectful IMHO. It basically puts you and the child on the same level, role wise. I think our different views may be based more on our different experiences then on different hearts..........if that makes sense.........
Since I have never been a mother but have had three little girls live with me for most of their lives, played a huge role in raising them which includes discipline, authority, love, sacrifice, and a heart which loves with a motherly love I do not see my role in the girls life as less then as I would act if I were their mother.......my heart and actions are the same but my position is different...........their mother should and will always come first in authority, relationships and I feel it is my duty, out of my love for the girls, to temper every action, thought, or emotion I have with the understanding though I love the girls as much I am not their mother.
Loving a child whether as a mother or an aunt does not mean letting them get away with everything and allowing them to take advantage of me nor does it mean they will run rough shot over me.........the girls not only love me but respect my authority over them..........it is through my love for them that they chose to obey, respect and honor me.........the girls are very aware I am not on the same level as they are role wise and they also know how much I value and respect the relationship they have with their mother, so much so, that they do not try and play their mother and myself off against each other (they do with their father and mother but that is another story) The girls have learned that what their mother says goes and when it comes to them I respectfully give her the position of higher authority.(even if I have to bite my tongue in the moment and discuss something with my sister later)
Though you love being an aunt I have a feeling our understanding of aunt and what it means to be one is quite different because our experiences are so different........make sense?
As a side I want to make it clear I am basing my opinions on the assumption the mother of the children is the primary care giver, loves her children with the heart of a mother(just because a child is born to a woman doesn't make her a mother) and the mother is leading under the authority of the Lord.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 4:55:18 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3982
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
Also, If you go into a marriage with children as anything other than a full fledged parent, with full authority, there are children and teens that will take full advantage of that and run rough shot over you. Anything other than a full fledged parent is disrespectful IMHO. It basically puts you and the child on the same level, role wise. I think our different views may be based more on our different experiences then on different hearts..........if that makes sense.........
Since I have never been a mother but have had three little girls live with me for most of their lives, played a huge role in raising them which includes discipline, authority, love, sacrifice, and a heart which loves with a motherly love I do not see my role in the girls life as less then as I would act if I were their mother.......my heart and actions are the same but my position is different...........their mother should and will always come first in authority, relationships and I feel it is my duty, out of my love for the girls, to temper every action, thought, or emotion I have with the understanding though I love the girls as much I am not their mother.
Loving a child whether as a mother or an aunt does not mean letting them get away with everything and allowing them to take advantage of me nor does it mean they will run rough shot over me.........the girls not only love me but respect my authority over them..........it is through my love for them that they chose to obey, respect and honor me.........the girls are very aware I am not on the same level as they are role wise and they also know how much I value and respect the relationship they have with their mother, so much so, that they do not try and play their mother and myself off against each other (they do with their father and mother but that is another story) The girls have learned that what their mother says goes and when it comes to them I respectfully give her the position of higher authority.(even if I have to bite my tongue in the moment and discuss something with my sister later)
Though you love being an aunt I have a feeling our understanding of aunt and what it means to be one is quite different because our experiences are so different........make sense?
No. Really our experiences as Aunt seem very similar. I agree with everything you have said about being an Aunt and how you respond to them and them to you. I could have said the same thing about my own nieces and nephews. We have even lived together in the past.
quote:
As a side I want to make it clear I am basing my opinions on the assumption the mother of the children is the primary care giver, loves her children with the heart of a mother(just because a child is born to a woman doesn't make her a mother) and the mother is leading under the authority of the Lord.
I only disagree with you on the parenting role. See, your nieces love you and respect you because they have either grown up to or grown into it. You have been there, you have loved them, supported them and maybe disciplined them. Going into a step-relationship is different. You have no history. They do not know you, love you, or respect you and may feel like you are the enemy. Especially if they have always dreamed of Mom and Dad getting back together. If you go into a relationship where the X is not in the picture at all and he/she has full custody, you again have a differing scenerio. The child, no matter how old, may be more open to a relationship with the new parent. (maybe not)
_____________________________
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a mans character, give him power" - Abraham Lincoln
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 5:26:29 PM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2998
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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Being a stepdaughter, i think I'm qualified to be a stepmom.
I would love the child unconditionally, but realize that I am not her parent and would not pressure her to call me "mom." Also, if the mom is still living, I would respect her place in the child's life and not try to compete with her.
Easier said than done, I know. But no child deserves to hear negative things about her parents.
I would hope she would recognize my unique place in her life and the authority I would have as the woman of my house and her caretaker at least part of the time.
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The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 5:26:32 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
I only disagree with you on the parenting role. See, your nieces love you and respect you because they have either grown up to or grown into it. You have been there, you have loved them, supported them and maybe disciplined them. Going into a step-relationship is different. You have no history. They do not know you, love you, or respect you and may feel like you are the enemy. Especially if they have always dreamed of Mom and Dad getting back together How do you propose stepping into the role of mother without taking the time to build this relationships?..........telling a child I am now your mother will not accomplish doing so..........and trying to take on that role, especially in the situation which I was referring, where the children live full time with the other parent, would be a very unwise decision in my perspective.
Even a parent who is a biological parent and has not been in a child's life can not just show up one day and be a mother.........so how can someone who doesn't even have the blood tie expect to do so?
I work with college students. On occasion, after four years, a relationship becomes such that the students jokingly introduce me to their parents as their surrogate mother.
I have yet had one say so fall break of their freshman year.........and if I were to start acting like a surrogate mother the moment they came to campus..........we would never build the type of relationship which leads to such thoughts four years later..........it takes time getting to know each other, being around each other, and showing them in action and word that I am willing to fill in the gap for their missing mother which leads to building such a relationship............
Wouldn't the same be true with my husbands children? Wouldn't I be wise to spend time building the relationship, allowing myself to love them and being vulnerable with my heart before expecting them to see me as a mother type figure?
quote:
If you go into a relationship where the X is not in the picture at all and he/she has full custody, you again have a differing scenerio. This is one reason I made sure to state the circumstances I was addressing...........If, in my case, the mother is no longer in the picture then I would step into the mother role because by doing so I would not be trying to take the position of the mother, since she is not in that position.
The role I would step into would not depend on what I want but that which is best for the child.........for example.......if I were to marry a man who had lost his wife I would step into the role of mother BUT I would always make it a high priority to keep the mothers memory alive.
A while back I knew a gentleman who had lost his wife and had two beautiful little children. He and I did not marry, obviously, but I was strongly lead to send each of his children a Christmas gift one year..........to the little girl I sent a locket tree ornament with a picture of her mother inside.........included with the gift I wrote a poem (well actually I feel God wrote it since I am not a poet) called Two hearts as one..........it was a reminder through the stages of her life how much her mother loved her and how her heart became one with her daughters the moment she held her for the first time..........
I asked the father if each Christmas, when they put up the tree if he would make sure to spend a few minutes speaking of Lauren and reading the poem with his daughter, and make it a tradition she could continue with her own children.........
I did the same with the boy except the poem was different.........
If I am blessed with children, who's mother has already gone home with Jesus, out of respect and honor for their mother I feel it is important for me, their new mother, to be a bridge in some sense which still connects her to them..........I know it sounds weird but it is something I feel strongly about.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 5:28:54 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
I would hope she would recognize my unique place in her life and the authority I would have as the woman of my house and her caretaker at least part of the time.
Excellent post ladioffaith..........It is obvious you are a newspaper editor........you said in a few words what I have been trying to say in a novel LOL
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 5:51:50 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3982
Joined: 2/11/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
I only disagree with you on the parenting role. See, your nieces love you and respect you because they have either grown up to or grown into it. You have been there, you have loved them, supported them and maybe disciplined them. Going into a step-relationship is different. You have no history. They do not know you, love you, or respect you and may feel like you are the enemy. Especially if they have always dreamed of Mom and Dad getting back together How do you propose stepping into the role of mother without taking the time to build this relationships?..........telling a child I am now your mother will not accomplish doing so..........and trying to take on that role, especially in the situation which I was referring, where the children live full time with the other parent, would be a very unwise decision in my perspective.
Even a parent who is a biological parent and has not been in a child's life can not just show up one day and be a mother.........so how can someone who doesn't even have the blood tie expect to do so?
I work with college students. On occasion, after four years, a relationship becomes such that the students jokingly introduce me to their parents as their surrogate mother.
I have yet had one say so fall break of their freshman year.........and if I were to start acting like a surrogate mother the moment they came to campus..........we would never build the type of relationship which leads to such thoughts four years later..........it takes time getting to know each other, being around each other, and showing them in action and word that I am willing to fill in the gap for their missing mother which leads to building such a relationship............
Wouldn't the same be true with my husbands children? Wouldn't I be wise to spend time building the relationship, allowing myself to love them and being vulnerable with my heart before expecting them to see me as a mother type figure?
quote:
If you go into a relationship where the X is not in the picture at all and he/she has full custody, you again have a differing scenerio. This is one reason I made sure to state the circumstances I was addressing...........If, in my case, the mother is no longer in the picture then I would step into the mother role because by doing so I would not be trying to take the position of the mother, since she is not in that position.
The role I would step into would not depend on what I want but that which is best for the child.........for example.......if I were to marry a man who had lost his wife I would step into the role of mother BUT I would always make it a high priority to keep the mothers memory alive.
A while back I knew a gentleman who had lost his wife and had two beautiful little children. He and I did not marry, obviously, but I was strongly lead to send each of his children a Christmas gift one year..........to the little girl I sent a locket tree ornament with a picture of her mother inside.........included with the gift I wrote a poem (well actually I feel God wrote it since I am not a poet) called Two hearts as one..........it was a reminder through the stages of her life how much her mother loved her and how her heart became one with her daughters the moment she held her for the first time..........
I asked the father if each Christmas, when they put up the tree if he would make sure to spend a few minutes speaking of Lauren and reading the poem with his daughter, and make it a tradition she could continue with her own children.........
I did the same with the boy except the poem was different.........
If I am blessed with children, who's mother has already gone home with Jesus, out of respect and honor for their mother I feel it is important for me, their new mother, to be a bridge in some sense which still connects her to them..........I know it sounds weird but it is something I feel strongly about.
Wow, you make a lot of assumptions that do not in any way shape or form reflect anything I have said. Many that actually attack my character.
I do not have time now to go through and try to reclaim my position. I will have to do it when I get back.
Great post ladyoffaith.
_____________________________
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a mans character, give him power" - Abraham Lincoln
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/10/2008 11:08:32 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
Wow, you make a lot of assumptions that do not in any way shape or form reflect anything I have said. Many that actually attack my character. LOL I will have to add to your WOW because I am obviously clueless as to what exactly you are referring too.........I didn't make any assumption about what you were or were not saying.........I read the comments I quoted and responded based on what those words, not you, brought to my mind...........
I am really sorry if you took what I wrote as being personally written to you for it was not........it was a written response to words read based on what I think and questions I was asking myself......
I look forward to your post so I can understand better what you felt was an assumption and how I was attacking your character. I was not even thinking of you or your character for that matter, especially since I do not know you, when I wrote.
As for reclaiming a position.....I am really confused........is a discussion similar to a game of king of the mountain where one tries to knock another off the top? LOL
Now before you think I am making an assumption......I am teasing you.........to lighten the tone........a discussion is about throwing out questions and thoughts which encourage everyone, including ourselves, to ask hmmmmm what do I think?........they are never, at least to me, a competetion.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/11/2008 12:28:14 AM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3982
Joined: 2/11/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
I only disagree with you on the parenting role. See, your nieces love you and respect you because they have either grown up to or grown into it. You have been there, you have loved them, supported them and maybe disciplined them. Going into a step-relationship is different. You have no history. They do not know you, love you, or respect you and may feel like you are the enemy. Especially if they have always dreamed of Mom and Dad getting back together How do you propose stepping into the role of mother without taking the time to build this relationships?..........telling a child I am now your mother will not accomplish doing so..........and trying to take on that role, especially in the situation which I was referring, where the children live full time with the other parent, would be a very unwise decision in my perspective.
Even a parent who is a biological parent and has not been in a child's life can not just show up one day and be a mother.........so how can someone who doesn't even have the blood tie expect to do so?
I work with college students. On occasion, after four years, a relationship becomes such that the students jokingly introduce me to their parents as their surrogate mother.
I have yet had one say so fall break of their freshman year.........and if I were to start acting like a surrogate mother the moment they came to campus..........we would never build the type of relationship which leads to such thoughts four years later..........it takes time getting to know each other, being around each other, and showing them in action and word that I am willing to fill in the gap for their missing mother which leads to building such a relationship............
Wouldn't the same be true with my husbands children? Wouldn't I be wise to spend time building the relationship, allowing myself to love them and being vulnerable with my heart before expecting them to see me as a mother type figure?
quote:
If you go into a relationship where the X is not in the picture at all and he/she has full custody, you again have a differing scenerio. This is one reason I made sure to state the circumstances I was addressing...........If, in my case, the mother is no longer in the picture then I would step into the mother role because by doing so I would not be trying to take the position of the mother, since she is not in that position.
The role I would step into would not depend on what I want but that which is best for the child.........for example.......if I were to marry a man who had lost his wife I would step into the role of mother BUT I would always make it a high priority to keep the mothers memory alive.
A while back I knew a gentleman who had lost his wife and had two beautiful little children. He and I did not marry, obviously, but I was strongly lead to send each of his children a Christmas gift one year..........to the little girl I sent a locket tree ornament with a picture of her mother inside.........included with the gift I wrote a poem (well actually I feel God wrote it since I am not a poet) called Two hearts as one..........it was a reminder through the stages of her life how much her mother loved her and how her heart became one with her daughters the moment she held her for the first time..........
I asked the father if each Christmas, when they put up the tree if he would make sure to spend a few minutes speaking of Lauren and reading the poem with his daughter, and make it a tradition she could continue with her own children.........
I did the same with the boy except the poem was different.........
If I am blessed with children, who's mother has already gone home with Jesus, out of respect and honor for their mother I feel it is important for me, their new mother, to be a bridge in some sense which still connects her to them..........I know it sounds weird but it is something I feel strongly about.
If I agree with ladyoffaiths post, and you agree with ladyoffaiths post, we are obviouly agreeing more than we both realize. We may be having a simple communication issue.
The discussion started out with me believing that the step parent needs to have full authority over the step children, the full rights privleges and respect due a Mom or Dad. (that is my position on the issue and yes I may be watching too much politics)
You felt that taking the "role " of Aunt might be a good choice.
I mentioned in my above post that a child that has no history with you is not going to be able to love you and respect your authority right off. In addition, It would be very difficult to build this kind of relationship before the marrige. Think about it. If the non-custodial parent has the child 2 weekend a month and you spend time with them on one of those weekends you will have seen the child 6 times in 6 months. Not really enough time to bond. Even if the child was open to bonding. The real relationship building will happen over time after the fact. His children would be absolutely equal to my own and I would try to treat them as my own child. If they did have their own Mom, it would not change how I treat them, but I would never talk negatively about her and I would try to have as positive a relationship with her as possible.
I could never ask a man to enter into our lives as anything less than a dad with full authority and requiring respect, I would just ask for the same consideraton.
_____________________________
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a mans character, give him power" - Abraham Lincoln
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/11/2008 1:41:58 AM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
DOND He/she is a non custodian parent of teenagers. Though he/she only sees the children every other weekend he/she wants you to step into a mother role to the teenagers instead of a aunt type role.
Deal: Wanting me to play the Aunt type role would make it a no deal.
The quoted statements above got me thinking.
As older singles many of us will probably marry a man/woman with children or have children of our own.
If you marry a man or woman with young children how do you see your role in the children's life?
How much of a factor would the ex parent's relationship with her/his children play in the role you step into in a child's life?
Would being custodian/non custodian parent influence the role into which you step?
Do you believe your role would be the same no matter the age of the children?
Do you believe you can fulfill a very important role or need in a child's(teenagers in particular) life without being called mom?
If I were to marry someone with young children, I would see myself as filling the role of an aunt - unless their biological mother died. Then, I would probably see myself as being more of a "mother" to them. I think my role though would be determined by the child and also by the other parent. I would never ever want to usurp the other parent's authority - and I would try to work as hard as possible to build bridges with the mother so that the child has consistent guidelines for behavior. I would definitely want to work with the ex and my husband to do what is best for the child. If things are ugly (which I would pray they wouldn't be), then I'd try to have my husband mitigate. I would try to take the high road and always keep discussions centered around what is best for the child.
I think being the custodian parent would make some difference - but regardless, I would want to make sure that the mother feels respected. I think things could get sticky though if her values significantly clashed with mine however. I'd have to work with my husband concerning that. I think my role would be the same regardless of the age of the children - but I think it would differ depending on how involved the mother is. And yes, I think I could fulfill a vital role ni a child's life without being called mom. Teens in particular sometimes need other adults to help them - other than their parents.
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/11/2008 4:17:15 AM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3982
Joined: 2/11/2008
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I just wanted to add one more thing....If you have your own children and when you marry you treat his children differently (not slight differences based on personality) that could really build up resentment in the children. either side, or both.
_____________________________
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a mans character, give him power" - Abraham Lincoln
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/11/2008 7:36:47 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1555
Joined: 4/25/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
I just wanted to add one more thing....If you have your own children and when you marry you treat his children differently (not slight differences based on personality) that could really build up resentment in the children. either side, or both.
This is true - I didn't think about this. I definitely wouldn't want to do that. I know exactly how that feels ...
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/11/2008 11:01:47 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
I just wanted to add one more thing....If you have your own children and when you marry you treat his children differently (not slight differences based on personality) that could really build up resentment in the children. either side, or both.
Having seen this very thing happen let me add that it's really ugly and hurts the children to the very core of their being. If you're going to be anything less than a father or mother to the kids, don't get married.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/12/2008 12:04:00 AM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2998
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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I know that is a serious issue with ADULT stepchildren ... my sister and my friend's sister complain that when they need a sitter, it is the bio-dad and not the stepmom who steps up ... because she's too busy watching her daughter's kids ... (in my case, i get treated different because I have none.)
I do agree that a stepparent needs to have authority ... but because she is the woman or man of the house, not making any assumptions about being "mom" to the child ... I know that can be an issue especially if the parent is still living (or even if she's not) because she feels disloyal to her biological mom if she likes her too much or calls her "mom."
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The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/12/2008 4:08:19 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
You felt that taking the "role " of Aunt might be a good choice. I think the difference between our perspective is in our life experiences.......as I type I am not responding based on a hypothetical nor on any one else's experience.........my thoughts and responses are based on my experiences and how I feel about a future situation I may find myself in.
I do not have children nor will have children when I marry therefore making sure to not put my children over his is not a concern of mine. His children will be loved by me with a mothers heart but I will not expect them to receive me as a mother right away........make sense?
If the Lord blesses he and I with children they will never be thought of as more a part of me then any children brought into the relationship when we marry.
When I say I do.....I am not just saying I do to him but to his children as well........and the vows I make to him and to his children is a commitment to always put them and their needs ahead of my own......to give them my heart, my mind, my body and my spirit.........in that I am committed to love them unconditionally, to use my intellictual and God's wisdom to dictate my actions and thoughts towards them, my body to physically be there for them, to give them a hug or kiss, to run them to events, to cheer them on at games, to provide for them a safe place to come, a home which is a place of peace and joy......and to lay down my own wants in order to meet their needs.........and to lay down my spirit......my vow to the children will be to pray for and guide them in accordance to the Holy Spirits guidance..........and to be commitment to humble myself before the Lord and ask Him to allow me to reflect Him as a father/mother figure to them.
I think the difference between our words is not in the actions we would take nor the role we would step into as a step mother but the name we put on that role..........you have children and I am sure are a wonderful mother so loving your new husband's children means giving them nothing less then your best as a mother...........
Since the very best I know to give is the role I fulfill as an aunt.....my thoughts on this topic is that I will love my new children as much as I love the girls........they will be as important, as loved and as valued as the girls are in my life.........I give them the very best I can and in my perspective I would never give the children I say I do to anything less.
quote:
I would definitely want to work with the ex and my husband to do what is best for the child. In my perspective, based on my experiences the best for the child is for me to take positioin of aunt, understanding that aunt reflect the relationship I have with the girls and not the aunt relationship I have with my neices and nephews with whom I have not been blessed with as an important role in their lives.
quote:
I think being the custodian parent would make some difference For me the mothers involvement in the children's life is key.......If she is stepping up to the place, fulfilling the role of mother in a way which reflexs the heart of a mother, then the role I fulfil in the children's live will be the same as the one I am fulfilling in the girls lives right now.
I am curious.....is there anyone reading who is on the flip side......who is divorced and their ex is married or getting married.........what role do you expect the husband or wife to take as the step parent of your child? Do you feel h/she should be take on the role of mother or father to your child?
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Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/12/2008 5:11:06 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2621
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
Status: offline
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quote:
His children will be loved by me with a mothers heart but I will not expect them to receive me as a mother right away........make sense?
I've often wondered about this...if truly you can love another's children like their mother or father did? I'm askign this to myself, because, honestly, I can't imagine loving anyone else like I love my own daughter. I can love them by being kind to them....showing all the loving actions, but I've often wondered if I can truly love them with all the intensity of affection that I have for my own. I don't think I can...and most step mom's feel the same. But who knows, maybe there's few that can, esp the ones who have never experience having a child of their own. Or maybe time will create that bond. I don't know. I know that if I have a step child along with my own child, if I have to choose whih one I'll save if there's a fire in the house, there's no doubt I'll save my own.
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The Lord is near to those who have a brokern heart.
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.........Psalm 34:18
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/12/2008 6:03:12 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
I've often wondered about this...if truly you can love another's children like their mother or father did? I'm askign this to myself, because, honestly, I can't imagine loving anyone else like I love my own daughter. A year or so ago a gentleman friend of mine made a comment which offended me deeply (I have prayed for forgiveness allowing myself to be offended so that is not the issue)
While I was sharing how much I love my little girls I made a comment that I can not imagine loving anyone as deeply as those girls.......his comment was you will when you have children of your own......all I could think was he obviously has no clue how much I love these girls.
Before God brought them in my life I had no clue what loves was and how strongly I could love........I remember once holding sky when she was less then a year.........looking down on her sleeping face and seeing the glistenly wetness of my tears.........the intensivity of the love I felt was so powerful that it brought me to tears........I had never loved so deeply tears flowed at the depth of it?
I am not bragging or saying that I have the love market cornered but I know that the love I feel for the girls is stronger then many mothers I know........some of the actions mothers take, putting their own insecurities or needs ahead of their children........is a constant reminder I am not capable of loving this deeply on my own but it is through the working of the Holy Spirit in my life.
It is a reminder as well that love does not come from deciding to love as much as it does from deciding to lay down your life for another......I do not love the girls because I wanted a little to love nor because I chose to love them.......I love them so deeply because I chose to sacrifice, to lay down my own wants to make sure their needs were met....I chose to be there for them and to not only give to them but to be open to receive from them.........
I have never been a mother so I don't know if I can love another child as deeply as I love my own children.....but I do know I can love a child, who I did not give birth too, with a love so deep, intense, and powerful tears are the response.
If there was a fire in the house I would saved the girls first yes.....because they are the ones God has placed in my life for this time and hour..........if I were to adopt a child......I would only do so after praying God would build a love in my heart so deep that I love them with all that I am and after I had committed to be their mother..........and in that committee my love would grow and I honestly do not believe I would my adopted child any less then I love my girls..........
Granted since I am not a mother my perspective will be different from those who are mothers.........but one thing I know is that the love I will have for my adoptive child would be a tear inducing love.
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Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/12/2008 11:41:22 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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PH I was thinking about your comment while doing my math homework......as I was working with circles my mind wander to thoughts of the circle of love.......
I realized the answer I gave was no really what I believe.....
What I really believe is that when I love a man enough to say I do, we will become one, and as one whatever is a part of him becomes a part of me......
Even though it seems impossible now, I know without a doubt I will love my husband's children as though they were my own because he will be a part of me.....
When a couple has a child, the child is the physical result of two strands of dna zipping together to become one......
Spiritually I believe when a man and woman become husband and wife it is as two become one.......two strands of dna zip together to come one......who I am matches up with who is he and give birth to the new me......Mrs. John Doe...........since the new me is fused with him how can I not love his children?
Maybe I am naive but I really believe if I love my husband the way God created me to love him then loving his children will just be a part of who I am as his wife.......
does that make sense or should I go back to my math LOL
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Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: from single to step parent - 10/13/2008 12:33:26 AM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3982
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
PH I was thinking about your comment while doing my math homework......as I was working with circles my mind wander to thoughts of the circle of love.......
I realized the answer I gave was no really what I believe.....
What I really believe is that when I love a man enough to say I do, we will become one, and as one whatever is a part of him becomes a part of me......
Even though it seems impossible now, I know without a doubt I will love my husband's children as though they were my own because he will be a part of me.....
When a couple has a child, the child is the physical result of two strands of dna zipping together to become one......
Spiritually I believe when a man and woman become husband and wife it is as two become one.......two strands of dna zip together to come one......who I am matches up with who is he and give birth to the new me......Mrs. John Doe...........since the new me is fused with him how can I not love his children?
Maybe I am naive but I really believe if I love my husband the way God created me to love him then loving his children will just be a part of who I am as his wife.......
does that make sense or should I go back to my math LOL
I agree with this whole heartedly. I have no doubt that I will be able to love his children as my own.
Steven Curtis Chapman when being interviewed about his children, said "Ya, they tell me that some of them are adopted, but for the life of me I can't remember which ones." This is my heart. If you go into a relationship having made the decision to not differenciate(sp) between children, I believe you can do it.
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