I gripped my chin, thinking, I need to reach out and ask her if there was a problem with me. I couldn't figure out why she didn't seem to be progressing forward with the work I had turned in. I knew, it must be - what I had done wasn't good enough. She thought my work was horrible, trash-worthy, and she just didn't know how to tell me. She was avoiding me. The hair on my skin rose with the awkwardness I was about to approach.
I typed the email.
Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. (Prov. 10:19 MSG)
Rather than pressing play on my mouth
was God called me to press - pause?
I waited, staring at the cursor. So much time had passed and she had given me nothing. Still, God says it wise to wrangle wild words. I minimized the screen, considered the thought and went along with my day, wondering, often, if I should text.
What harm would it do? At least I would know. At least I could tie down my emotions, rather than having them fly everywhere.
Often, our greatest goal when we charge is to change our feelings. I knew many of my words were about me feeling good, and not about producing a good and Godly outcome. They were about me knowing - now. They were about me feeling - happy. They were about me getting answers - so I knew I was worthy.
He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Prov. 17:26
A cool spirit. It sounds light. It sounds like a refreshing breeze. It sounds easy. Understanding arrived: She is busy. I can offer her space.
Press pause, Kelly.
A week passed, and an email arrived. It was from her. She saw my work and not only wanted to use it, but in a more prominent capacity. God knew all along.
You never know God's good cause,
being worked through your pause.
You want his hand ruling over your outcome, not your hasty mouth.
What I know now is I could have ruined it all by racing in to rectify my feelings. I could have spoiled what God was growing up in the perfect timing. I could have missed a growth opportunity in patience. They can be the hardest kind.
How do you do with opportunities of patience?
When do your feelings call out to you to "fix" things?
Do you speak a heap of demands or from a heart of love?
I realize now. I can lay back. Why? Because what I want to rush into, God is already in.
One God and Father of all,
who is over all and through all and in all. Eph. 4:6
He is in it and is carving spiritual and emotional strides. He is ironing everything out. He is making all things work together for his good, my good and the good of the entire story that extends beyond my here and now. I can trust that. I can believe in that. I can hope in that.
For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving... (1 Tim. 4:4)
And, so, what small wait, what unheard response or what dead end - in those, I will remember God is there and because he is there, goodness is there. It is who he is, it is what he does and it is simply the only thing he can ever produce.