Dear Father God,
I am struggling.
My heart is ripping in two with the thought of how I hurt you.
My defensiveness is boiling, spilling over, with the burning effect of protect or be harmed.
My guilt is cascading onto those I love.
My fears seem to keep me stuck immobile, feeling more like a pillar of salt than the salt of the earth.
There is a insidious inclination to look at myself, in these moments, and to say, "I hate you."
"I hate how you can't get things right.
I hate how you don't love properly. I hate how you make others feel."
In these moments, it seems like I'm riding a roller coaster that is only descending, that is only heading into the swamplands of no movement, no progress and eternal frustration. I don't want to go...still though, I move there, even despite my best efforts.
God, why can't I be all you want me to be?
Why can't I do better and be better?
Why do I fall into my own traps of defeat?
Why can't I beat my mind so I can be a "good" follower of you?
Love. Do you feel it? Do you know it? This is all I have reserved for you. It is the only seat I offer you, it is front row to my unending offering of everything I have. For you are mine and I am yours. Love. Move in and let it sink in.
Even when you may feel like you are pulling up the covers, turning off the lights and laying down in disappointment and discouragement, flick the switch, see the light and dead-stare into my eyes. I wait, not to give you the evil eye, but to let you know that you are mine.
I want all of you. I delight in all of you. The places where you are falling, are the places I am uprising. Will you trust? You see the skinned knees, I see the miraculous renewal. I don't just bandage and regrow, but heal and remake a zillion times more abundant than your smallest comprehension of new.
My work transcends earthly and rebounds into the spiritual
which far surpasses what you consider - natural.
For nothing will be impossible with me (God). Lu. 1:37
So, dear child, don't be angry at yourself, for this is all part of the process. Don't cast your efforts into class "loser". Don't tell yourself you need to go to bed with no dinner. You will fail, fall and falter. But, here is the truth:
I don't want to return you to the orphanage and wipe my hands of you.
I don't want to drop you off on the side of the road, unless you put a smile on your face.
I don't want you to know that you better - shape up or ship out.
I just want you, all of you, in my hands, moldable, breakable, pliable, makeable and malleabe so that I can make you incredible as you lay back into the warmth of my will.
Stay with me.
Take heart. Don’t quit.
I’ll say it again:
Stay with me.
Ps. 27:14 MSG
Don't fear my process of remake, but open yourself up to it. Let love sink in - into the cracks, into the chaffed edges and into the unseen - so I can revive every cell you believe is of disrepair. I promise, I work wonders for beauty.
You see, my love is the healing point of all pain.
My love is the answer to your lash-outs.
My indwelling love is the answer to your out-dwelling peace.
My love is the end of condemnation and the beginning of affirmation.
My love is the termination of avoidance and the conception of acceptance.
My love is arms around you when agony is too.
My love is the only current that removes the constant buzz of unbelonging.
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again;
rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.
And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Ro. 8:15
Will you give it a chance? A chance to just - be? A chance to sit on your heart as you sit quiet on your couch? A chance to change you? A chance to remake you?
Cherished child, don't let love become cliche. Common. Normal. Ordinary. See it afresh. Consider it anew. Resign yourself to know that you can never know the fullness of my love; there is always more and more to it.
So, step back, hold on tight and let it flood your insides so that it floods your world, not with proper actions, but with me.
You will be astonished at what comes out when you let my love move in.
When I find your heart, things change. What was up is down and what was down is up, meaning you, God, move down, and the enemy moves far, far, away. Rather than feeling like all the walls are caving in, rather than feeling suffocated by sub-par Christianity, I feel young again. I feel uninhibited, released and restructured. I feel like running downhill, arms wide open, body receiving, will disappearing, all the same emerging. Emerging into a better me, not because of me, but because of you.
The wind of your gentle Spirit strips away the old, the useless and the unneeded, to pack in new, useful and entirely needed. You bring me to your destination and, as I trust you God, it is great adventure, with great joy and great power in distinct and purposeful movement. God, keep me there. Keep me in the place where my heart says let's go! Let's go wild and free down your journey of adventure.
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. Job 19:25
You love me, oh how you love me,
Your own, your love, your chosen, your beloved
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