The poor thing, she had been up all night hacking.
I shut my door.
"I can't sleep if all I hear - is her," I thought.
I wasn't trying to be cruel, but, we all know how mothers end up when sleep gets lost. They turn ugly, mean and tense. I hate being that lady; I get mad at that lady. Anything not to be - that lady.
Hours later, the barks still ensued. Then, an internal battle ensued - do I get up or do I not get up? My mind wrestled: If I get up, I will never get back down. I will never fall back to sweet and delicious sleep again - I know how this game goes.
I climbed out of bed, checked the clock, stubbed my toe and headed to the medicine cabinet. It was the unseen hour that called for more medicine. Moms don't give up.
Begrudgingly, I kicked open the door, my mind half out of its own mind. I stumbled in, expecting to drop the junk down her throat and stumble out. But, what happened next woke me. It jolted me like coffee.
From her helpless position, she looked, and said, "Thank you, mommy."
My heart nearly dropped to the floor. Wow. She sees. She knows. She appreciates.
I felt loved.
I felt adored.
I felt alive. I would have gotten up a thousand more times, every single night (well, maybe), just to hear that sweet honey come off her lips.
Do I show God he matters like that? I wonder. I doubt it.
Guilt hits. Then, love arrives. God doesn't need me to know he matters; but, I need him to know I matter. And, maybe this is the point. It's probably far less about what he gets from these words and far more about how I feel when I speak these words. It is far more about me seeing the rescues, the panaceas and the answers that arrive out of nowhere. It is far more about me realizing how loved I am and how far out of his way he would go to help me.
Now I see: The small whisper of thank you is the moment you realize you're daughter - and you're really cared for.
It is the moment that you realize God would do anything to love you.
It is the joy that comes from receiving instead of striving.
It is the power that unfolds from heaven right in your lap.
It is the realization that kingdom come will come because God gives good things.
It is the inclination to bow down and see how tall God really stands over the world.
It is looking at the might that has might - and acknowledging it.
It is the strong hold of one stronger - that has the power to take hold over your life.
It is you not being you, as you normally are, but being you - with gratefulness.
It is the uncovering of the jewels you never knew existed.
It is the unwavering trust that he will do it again.
It is seeing him as he is - good.
Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Ps. 106:1
Thanks gives legs to greater faith, for it believes in the one who gives - and will give. The giver is daddy. He pours out every time. And in the process, as we trust this, we are changed. We become little balls bursting with humility, dipped in his love, coming out covered in good. We become sweetened by grace and full of excitement about who we are becoming.
Thanks is anticipation of God's faithfulness. It, frankly, is delicious.