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Worried - 7/2/2008 3:00:09 PM
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Lydia01
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Joined: 7/2/2008
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A friend of mine just married a man who has custody of his two children and she has her two children. They have been married for a couple of months. Ever since they have been married they have been bothered with his ex wife and he tolerates it, gets mad if my friend acts offended. He proclaims to be a christian, he works hard, he is good with her kids but there is still so much involvment with the ex. His ex had 2 children from a previous marriage and he has told his current wife that those 2 step children are going to move in with them, they already have his two children and his biological children. How can I encourage her, she is just overwhelmed. Thank you.
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RE: Worried - 7/2/2008 3:57:00 PM
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pbaribeault
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Blending a family is incredibly hard work, and there are no right answers. I would have hoped that at least the practical decisions of which children would live in which houses most of the time would have been settled before the marriage.
He has to be involved with his ex wife, the mother of his children, that are now somewhat your friend's children too. There is a difference between saying there is "too much involvement" which is a statement of fact, as if there were some kind of 'right' level of involvement. Rather your friend might consider owning her own feelings and saying that her new husband's ex wife is more involved than she is able to be comfortable with right now. Then she doesn't have to 'prove' there is anything 'wrong' with what is going on. She just has to ask her husband what he is willing to do to help her be more comfortable -- or if he is just OK with allowing her to feel consistently bothered and insecure.
He also has to act a father to the children that he has been fathering, whether they are biologically his or not. That's not something you just switch off when you break up with their mother. If she (your friend) hopes he will bond deeply and well with his new step-kids (hers) then she must try to appreciate the true fatherhood he feels towards his step-kids through his ex-wife. It's not just something that can (or should) be switched off. I'm not sure that they need to live with him (and her) but if they can cope, and if it seems best, she might consider asking him to address her real, actual concerns, rather than just living in her feelings and expressing them.
She doesn't have to "act offended" with his ex-wife... if only she can just say, "When <this> happened, I felt <whatever>. Do you think we could do anything about that?" (She can say something similar to the woman directly in the moment if she is able to, but I'm assuming she'll mostly be speaking to her husband, later.) In the situation she should behave with impeccable manners, calmness, courtesy and genuine grace. She can be manners made of stone, no matter what happens. Then she will never have reason to be ashamed, or to wonder if she contributed to the problem.
Offenses occur, but Christians are reborn with a Spirit of forgiveness rooted deep inside of them. Whatever is happening can be chalked up to, "Well, I'm glad I'm not that kind of person. I'm the kind of person that can get past petty bitterness."
All this assuming the guy is a fairly average Christian good-guy... But "geting mad" at her and "telling her" who will be moving in... I wonder if this isn't a bigger problem with control issues at the heart.
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RE: Worried - 7/2/2008 4:04:47 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1134
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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Some of the ex-wife's problems may come from the fact that he's re-married, and she's having trouble dealing with that fact. There could be envy, anger, a sense of betrayal, etc. The husband probably realizes this and is trying not to create new waves by giving in to whatever this ex is bothering them with.
While he eventually will have to put his foot down if this continues, I don't think he's going about things the wrong way. She may just need time to accept the reality of what's going on.
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RE: Worried - 7/2/2008 6:33:22 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 807
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Are you saying they will eventually have 6 children living with them?
You mentioned he has two (biological) children and she has two children ... and now he's getting the two step-children to live with them?
*Stay out of that drama, do not try to "solve" her problems - encourage her by prayer /cards or notes and maybe taking her out(or invite her over) for lunch(once or twice a week) but don't allow yourself to become her sounding board for all of those issues in her marriage... encourage her and him to see a counselor!
Keep a healthy distance so you don't become too involved in their problems.
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RE: Worried - 7/3/2008 7:43:21 AM
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Lydia01
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Lets make that 3 stepchildren, that has moved in. The ex wife was picked up yesterday and put in jail fo forging checks. she is wanted in 5 different counties. Please be in prayer for my friend.
you tell me not to get in the middle of it, i don't want to interfer. you don't want me to listen to my friend, i know she prays to god about this, but am i suppose to tell her i don't want to listen to it when she need someone to talk to. i have mentioned they need to seek counseling. i do pray for them and send her cards.
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RE: Worried - 7/3/2008 8:14:00 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 552
Joined: 7/25/2007
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Dear Lydia,
Well I have a friend of over 30 years and dont' know what I'd have done without her during the tough times. I do know that she did get involved by listening and praying with me and giving me sound Christian advice so go for it. I do think this is a chance for you to really help this family with maybe giving mom and dad an evening off by going to their house and spending time with the kids. I can only imagine how overwhelmed she feels and I expect her husband feels the same way. I don't see that he had any choice since the ex went to jail. I think this all shows his true character and I hope you can point out to his wife that what ever happens this shows that he will always care for her children too, What a man. I would urge you to praise her husband to her every chance you get.
My friend would let me vent but she never ever said a bad word about my hsuband, one reason I know I could trust her and I never have said a bad word about hers. True friends build up and never tear down.
I just feel that God has a ministry for you in this situation. You already have the willing heart.
I can't stress enoough that its so important to build this situation up and not in any way tear it down.
God bless you for caring about your friend and her family. You know if you speak good things about her husband, she will tell him and it will do double duty of helping them. Just as passed along critizism hurt the most, passed along compliments mean the most.
Take care and I think you must be a great friend.
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RE: Worried - 7/3/2008 2:25:57 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
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I think they need to speak to the Pastor at the Church they are attending.
It kind of sounds like your friend needs to mature just a bit, she had to expect this kind of thing when she married this man?
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
THE WAY.
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RE: Worried - 7/3/2008 4:08:24 PM
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pbaribeault
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She had to expect some of this (the ordinary trials of blending families) but I don't think she had any reason to expect to be running a 7 child household when the man (presumably) led her to expect 4.
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RE: Worried - 7/4/2008 2:23:11 AM
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KPOP
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HI THERE.
THAT SURE HAS BECOME A BIG FAMILY
TELL YOUR FRIEND TO TELL HER HUSBAND THAT TOO MANY MOUTH TO FEED -- MIGHT BE TIGHT ON THE BUDGET
DO THEY BOTH HAVE GOOD JOB?
I THINK THAT DURING END TIMES -- IT IS BETTER TO BE POOR
ME AND MY HUSBAND -- WE DO NOT HAVE KIDS --
BUT WE HAVE PETS
HE WAS MARRIED PREVIOUSLY AND HAS A DAUGHTER
BUT WE DO NOT SEE THEM AT ALL
SO -- WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO MOVE IN ANOTHER TOWN
BOTH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND -- WITH THE RIGHT KIDS THAT YOU HAVE
I THINK THAT HE SHOULD NOT BE BOTHERED WITH HIS EX -- OTHER KIDS
BUT HE SHOULD BE CONCERN ABOUT YOUR KIDS MORE THAN HIS EX KIDS WITH OTHER MAN
AND OF COURSE YOUR STEP KIDS
SO -- TRY TO TRAVEL LIGHT
AND MAKE DO WHAT EVER WHAT YOU HAVE
MONEY IS HARD TO COME BY
BUT WITH A GOOD HUSBAND THAT GOD HAS PROVIDED FOR YOU
AND WHATEVER LIMITED INCOME YOU GOT -- IF YOU DO --
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH -- FOR NOW -- UNTIL THE END TIMES IS OVER
BUT DO NOT BE AFRAID TO READ YOUR BIBLE
JUST TRY TO BE THE WOMAN IN PROVERBS 31 AND THE WOMEN IN CORINTHIANS AND ALSO COLOSIANS
BUT DO NOT BE A DOORMAT
BUT BE HUMBLE AND SUBMISSIVE
THAT MEANS -- BE DEMURE -- NOT DEBBIE MORE
GOOD LUCK
KATHY
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