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What to do when he gets baby fever...... - 7/16/2008 9:34:31 PM
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Starbucks880
Posts: 119
Joined: 3/11/2008
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My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. Before we married, we both agreed that children were not something we wanted, though if a surprise pregnancy happened, we wouldn't throw that baby away. Now, it seems he is changing his mind--maybe it is now he is the only sibling of his that hasn't had any children, I have no idea, but now he is bringing up the idea of having at least one. He did say that I am the one with the uterus, so he'd respect what I thought, but what irks me is that knowing how I feel, he is starting to also pressure me. He even got his mother to talk to me (he denies this, but I know it was him, since I nipped that one in the bud when we first got married and she backed off, only to now, coincidently bring it up again). My biological clock is not ticking, while I do like an infant or the adorable precocious child, the best part for me is when I can hand them back to the parents, I do not get sentimental at baby showers, my career is very important to me, and the more important thing--I think it would be disastrous for me to get pregnant when I am so ambivalent about motherhood, because I know the child would sense that--while my mother and I got close during the last years of her life, she did not want me when I was born. Birth control was illegal(this was how it was in Romania during Ceausescu), so she and my dad were trying their best to use other ways to avoid pregnancy, but I came anyway. Even though she didn't go out and get an illegal abortion and chose to give birth to me, she still didn't burst out with love at me. So I do know what it is like to not be a wanted child, and i would never want to put that on a child of mine. My husband is well-aware of this, yet he still has gone against what he said when we got married and now wants children. Any advice on how to handle this?
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RE: What to do when he gets baby fever...... - 7/16/2008 9:38:50 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 135
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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I would sit down and think and pray about WHY you don't want children? Are you still carrying the baggage of what your parents said to you about not wanting you? Are you afraid that you couldn't love the child?
After that, and I mean SERIOUS soul-searching, I would sit down with your husband, and if your feelings were still the same, tell him that you told him at the outset that you didn't want children and you were under the impression that he agreed with you...and you thought he understood you had no intention of changing your point of view...
Then...go from there...
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: What to do when he gets baby fever...... - 7/16/2008 10:56:40 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 816
Joined: 11/28/2005
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I think much prayer is needed in this matter.
Don't take a personal offense about him telling you he's wanting a child because married people should be able to discuss changes in opinions/decisions - keep the lines of communication flowing and be willing to carefully concern all that is being discussed. If you attack him for sharing how he feels - that can seriously create another problem in your marriage - he'll clam up and not share his intimate feelings at all! You don't want that to happen because when a man can't talk to his spouse about a matter - he'll find someone else to share personal matters with.
Even if you and him have to go in for counseling to work through this - please do it!
Having unrealistic expectations has killed many marriages - at one point in the marriage he agreed with you about no children... did either of you really consider what would happen (as the years go by) if either his or your opinion/feelings would change? How much prayer and discussion was given to the ultimate decision of having no children?
* Mother in-laws are notorious for bringing up "when are you going to give me a grandchild?" subject --- trust me, they don't need to be prodded at all! Even if you had the talk with her about No children - after you were married - it's normal for people to still bring up the subject of why you don't have a child(especially after several years have gone by.)
I know how it is - because I'm forty - three and never been pregnant and due to health reasons - it appears that it's not meant to be?... although the Lord may send me a child in His own timing!
I have been badgered by well-meaning, long time friends/loved ones with the when are you going to have a baby questions for many years --- and some insensitive ones have asked me why I don't like children! I love children but it's unfortunate that I haven't been able to have any yet --- (I'm also the one in charge of my aging mom who has many health issues.)
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RE: What to do when he gets baby fever...... - 7/16/2008 11:49:04 PM
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carl54
Posts: 50
Joined: 5/31/2005
Status: offline
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Children are a blessing. You could be the parent you never had and shower your child with the love and affection you never received. You could be a wonderful blessing to a whole new person. I know you don't want to hear this, but I thought you should see the flip side to what YOU want. Parenting gives one an opportunity to be selfless. In childbearing God gives us an infant that is totally dependent on its parents. It is a wonderful experience that reveals to us a whole new dimension as to who we are.
What if it is God's will for you? I strongly encourage you to pray about it with your husband and simply seek God's guidance. You and your husband are one in God's eyes and I don't think it is like him to send you off in different directions. Spend a lot of time in prayer and God will bring your hearts and minds to the same place in this decision. To hear him, you need to have an open mind and be submissive to HIS will. Isn't life a trip? ... it's all part of being human.
I'm praying with you guys.
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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