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Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 5:28:03 PM
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NoDumbBlonde
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Do you think it is appropriate/expected/required to give a wedding gift to a couple who has lived together for a long while before the wedding? The wedding gift was thought to help the newlyweds provide for their first home but living together they've already done all that. Most couples in this situation have already bought for their home, some even purchase a house together before getting married. On the other hand, many people have what they need already for their homes if they've been independent for some time so it wouldn't matter either way.
But then some look at a gift as being part of the celebration of marriage, a right of passage if you will. We give gifts for all types of celebrations.
I'm not asking about anyone specific, just as a matter of principal. What do you think?
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 5:43:06 PM
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ChoirDJ
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That's a good question...and I would probably answer "yes" for the mere fact they have decided to legitimize their relationship in God's eyes. Admittedly, the gift may not be as extravagant as it would have been had they done things the right way from the beginning. It sort of borders on supporting their present decision to get married instead of punishing them for the fact they cohabitated outside of marriage. I'm trying to think about the graciousness of Christ as I respond to this question.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 5:52:20 PM
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firefly31784
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Yes you should give a gift, but skip the bridal shower haha. Well if your not that close to her. If you are close you are in a pickle and need to attend and just snag something off the registry. Can you believe they have bridal showers?
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 5:55:05 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16053
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From: Central California
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quote:
The wedding gift was thought to help the newlyweds provide for their first home but living together they've already done all that
Even among couples who don't live together before marriage, many have already set up house as single young adults. When my daughter got married at 23, she had an apartment full of new furniture, and all the kitchenware and everything she needed for a home, and so did her fiance, minus most of the furniture. It seems more and more couples are set up for housekeeping even when living as singles.
I personally don't give wedding gifts out of need, but to help them celebrate the new union. Most weddings I attend these days aren't necessarily in need of the traditional wedding gifts as couples were even a generation ago. To me, gifts are about celebration, not need. And a couple finally deciding that they need to make things right if they are going to live together is definitely a cause for celebration!
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 8:34:09 PM
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csl7037
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A shower gift is meant to "shower" the bride or couple with gifts to help them get set up. A wedding gift is stricty about celebrating the wedding. Regardless of the situation, or what you think of the situation, it's appropriate to give a gift. It would kinda be like deciding not to give a birthday gift because you don't think they had a good year or something and their birthday isn't worth celebrating. If that's how you feel, don't go.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 10:00:08 PM
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HisCovenant
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I don't gift in that situation because they have already set up their household as a couple. I don't look at the gift as a part of celebration, but as helping to meet needs and start out a life together.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 10:03:42 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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I think it is appropriate to give certain kind of gifts. Now, having a lingerie shower, and having the woman play the blushing bride role, is a little ridiculous I think. However, there are other appropriate gifts. I know a cohabiting couple (through professional circumstances) that did finally get engaged (a year and a half ago  ), and what I've been working on for them is a cross stitch. I've been trying so hard to encourage them to get married, that when/if they do finally tie the knot, I'm certainly going to celebrate, rather than withhold celebration when they do something I've been encouraging them to do.
I've also thought about giving a good christian book about marriage/family living. The afore mentioned Bible is also a good idea. Also towels (cause old ones wear out), a scrapbook for their wedding, a gift certificate to a nice restaurant. A lot of stuff is good, just not anything that tries too hard to pretend they haven't been living together (like the lingerie).
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/9/2008 10:09:52 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
I don't gift in that situation because they have already set up their household as a couple. I don't look at the gift as a part of celebration, but as helping to meet needs and start out a life together.
Do you not give a gift to people who have been divorced (from someone else) and are now marrying each other?
I'm just asking because I don't quite understand.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 12:54:29 AM
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HisCovenant
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It depends. If they are Christians marrying Biblically, then yes, I would gift, because I feel that the moving on from the old relationship and the things that bring so many memories is important. I'd do that for a widow/widower, too, although their memories probably wouldn't envolve the bad memories that a divorce situation probably would. It's not the strength of the memories per se, but more the encouragement to move on and be one where there have been two. When there has already been the parody of oneness, I don't see the need for gifting when there is already one household they have built together... but I can see why the other posters who view the gift as celebratory do gift.
If a divorced couple is Christians not marrying Biblically, then I wouldn't. Oh, and if they were nonchristians not marrying Biblically, I'm not sure which I would do. I hate the idea of encouraging sin and things that harm society, but I also wouldn't hold a nonchristian to the same standard as the Bible. I have no business judging them. If I was in that situation, I'd be praying it over for sure.
Did that answer adequately? My mind can be a crazy place that's hard to explain. 
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 1:54:06 AM
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jaimestarcross
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If there's a wedding - I would be taking them a gift.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 8:08:11 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
Did that answer adequately? My mind can be a crazy place that's hard to explain.
Yes, thank you. I guess I just never thought about giving/withholding gifts in that way.
I am of this school of thought...
quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
If there's a wedding - I would be taking them a gift.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 11:22:00 AM
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HisCovenant
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I've grown up in a church wedding culture where people are invited for the sole purpose of increasing the number of gifts and tabs are kept on what was gifted/ who hostessed so it could be reciprocated in equal measure. That whole mindset disgusts me, and so I have opted out that. Seeing that caused me to reevaluate what the purpose of the wedding gift was as well as my attitude in giving it. The vast majority of the time if I am invited, I give a gift whether I am able to attend the wedding or not. But the vast majority of the weddings I am invited to are young Christian couples who are marrying for the first time, so none of those other ideas that I posted come into play.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 2:07:04 PM
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karlie
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Basically, I don't go to any wedding (Unless I'm singing for it) that I am not pretty close to the people getting married. I don't attend weddings for just casual acquaintances or third cousins twice removed that I've never spoken to. So, if I go to a wedding it's because I have a relationship with at least one the people getting married. I give a gift just as I do birthday gifts...just to show I care and am happy for them and not because it's necessarily needed or deserved. That's what a gift is...it's a token of well wishes and to help celebrate the occasion. I never looked at it as an endorsement of their choices.
If they don't mean enough to me to give a small gift at least, then I don't really feel the need to be at the wedding at all, unless it's as a vocalist in which case it's professional and I don't take gifts.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 3:16:05 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
If there's a wedding - I would be taking them a gift.
For the couple, it shouldn't be about the gift (although, admittedly, for some it probably is). But to show up to a wedding without having given a gift is in very poor taste, IMO. By the same token, and I know this varies by culture and region, but strictly speaking, to bring a gift to a wedding is not proper. The gift really should go to the bride's home or her parents' home before or after the wedding.
I've been invited to weddings where there simply wasn't a shred of etiquette or good taste displayed throughout the whole affair. What's happening on that end - whether they lived together, mom hosted the shower, worded the invite incorrectly, or mix/match formalities of dress at the wrong time of day is not my concern. If I'm going, I should still attempt to be a good guest. If I'm that bothered by their lifestyle or decisions or taste, I shouldn't be at their wedding. I certainly don't have categories for worthiness of gifts, though.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 4:28:42 PM
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zoebob
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
By the same token, and I know this varies by culture and region, but strictly speaking, to bring a gift to a wedding is not proper. The gift really should go to the bride's home or her parents' home before or after the wedding.
I've studied wedding ettiquete for years, and I hadn't heard that one. Probably one of those ones that used to be the rule but doesn't apply anymore. I always wished the bride and groom opened the gifts at the wedding, so that everyone could see what they were. 
We did at our wedding. It was a small wedding and I think my friend that was providing the reception didn't believe that we would be ready for it as quickly as I said we would (or they just weren't ready in time). Anyway, once we got down to the reception area we had about 45 mins till the food was ready so we opened the gifts. It was nice because I could show off the beautiful quilt my grandmother made me.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 4:52:44 PM
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car2ner
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At my wedding I actually discouraged gifts. I consider gifts as part of helping a couple set up their new home with things they need or would like and cannot afford. For folks who have households, if you feel that you should give a gift, perhaps a little snooping would be in order. Have they misplaced all their flat head screwdrivers? Could they do with a replacement for that coffee pot? What color is the bathroom and how do their towels look? Perhaps some perennials for their garden? Maybe a small level and a collection of picture hangers and a nice frame. They may want to hang a wedding photo.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/10/2008 5:01:45 PM
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OLEEguacamole
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we didn't deserve grace. freely you have received, freely give.
from a practical POV, a gift registry takes the mystery out of what they have or want.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/11/2008 5:37:56 PM
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buckifn
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If we are close enough to attend the wedding then yes, I feel we are in order to give a gift...but something meaningful, not just another something to add to a collection of random things...for instance one of my last weddings was a friend I had known for 20 plus yrs and we had ordered a special piece of art from an artist we attended school with together...it was meaningful to us both because we knew the artist and the place that was in the painting.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/11/2008 5:39:47 PM
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karlie
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From: Central California
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quote:
for instance one of my last weddings was a friend I had known for 20 plus yrs and we had ordered a special piece of art from an artist we attended school with together...it was meaningful to us both because we knew the artist and the place that was in the painting.
That's a very cool and thoughtful gift!
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/12/2008 3:01:49 PM
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AlwaysR8chel
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....... I've always thought of a wedding gift as a token of a blessing....
I think it would be appropriate to give a gift... but certainly not required...
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/14/2008 2:21:56 PM
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laughinggirl
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
That's what a gift is...it's a token of well wishes and to help celebrate the occasion. I never looked at it as an endorsement of their choices.
Exactly. If I am invited to a wedding, I give a gift. I don't worry about whether they "need" or "deserve" it. People were SO generous to us when we got married. I like to celebrate with others in the same way.
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RE: Wedding gifts for the couple who have lived together? - 5/14/2008 5:04:13 PM
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buckifn
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Thank you Karlie.
Well I do try and consider if the gift is useful, even if only in a sentimental way...I don't see the point in giving a gift you know will hold no interest for them. Overall, I do like the registry thing because it helps eliminate a lot of stuff they don't want or need.
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