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Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 1:25:34 PM
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AslansChild
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My son is turning 15 soon and has been asking the question as to when he can date. Our rule has always been that when he turns 16 he can ask a girl to a school dance/ or out with friends. Well as we are coming to the end of his first year of high school and see that he has matured we are considering allowing him to "date". This means that if he has a friend who is a girl and there is an event or a get together he can invite her as part of the group. There are a few reasons for reconsidering, he is in an all boys school that often has events with a few sister schools and he is, as boys will be, smitten with a few of these young ladies, the problem is, they are mostly outside of our faith and they are more willing to help him break our rules. Our thought is that he can start inviting girls to events (school/church) as long as they are from our church. I would appreciate input on this tact as we are only thinking/praying about this currently.
< Message edited by AslansChild -- 4/28/2008 1:31:50 PM >
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 1:34:58 PM
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manda59
Posts: 4841
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
My son is turning 15 soon and has been asking the question as to when he can date. Our rule has always been that when he turns 16 he can ask a girl to a school dance/ or out with friends. Well as we are coming to the end of his first year of high school and see that he has matured we are considering allowing him to "date". This means that if he has a friend who is a girl and there is an event or a get together he can invite her as part of the group.
Could I just ask what you would consider to be the point (end goal) of "dating" at 15 (even 16)?
Also, has your son made a personal commitment to Christ yet?
(FYI, my son is 18 and made the decision at 14 not to "date", but to wait till he met a girl whom he wanted to marry.)
_____________________________
"Well said, Manda"
(BlessedMamaofMany May 2008)
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 1:36:57 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
they are mostly outside of our faith and they are more willing to help him break our rules.
I missed this on first reading.
AslansChild, until you are reasonably sure that he has owned these rules for himself, so that they are his rules too and not just your rules, I'd advocate extreme caution in anything you decide regarding any of his socialising.
_____________________________
"Well said, Manda"
(BlessedMamaofMany May 2008)
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 1:49:36 PM
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AslansChild
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He is a christian and understands our rules. There is a lot of dating talk in the Sr. High group at church as well as from his peer group at school. The "end goal" is to have him interact with girls at the same level he does with his male friends so that he can understand how a friendship is built. He already has strong friendships with a few girls he has know for most of his life, they are "cousins" in his mind. I understand Amanda that your son has decided not to "date". Does this include taking someone to his prom? Does his school offer opportunities for young men to learn the social aspects of respecting a woman and her parents? Are you/your husband providing him with guidance as to the responsibilities beyond purity that come with dating/courting. I also would rather be aware of how my son behaves as a young man while he is still at home than have him go off to college unprepared for a world that does not share his/our goal of purity. I also don't want him to marry the first girl he meets at 18 without truly understaning the basis for that type of commitment. Sure it would be easier to plan who we would like him to date and marry but that is not practical, so by allowing him to include a girl in his social group that he would like to get to know better I feel that we are providing him with guidance and rules to base his decisions on.
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 2:08:49 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
He is a christian and understands our rules. There is a lot of dating talk in the Sr. High group at church as well as from his peer group at school. The "end goal" is to have him interact with girls at the same level he does with his male friends so that he can understand how a friendship is built.
AslansChild, young people don't need to "date" in order to be able to do this. My son, all through school, had as many, if not more, female friends than male friends. Because he wasn't pursuing them for romantic ends, girls recognised that he was a "good guy" and would often come to him for advice and help. He's at university now, and it's the same. He has a wide circle of friends and is comfortable mixing with either gender.
quote:
He already has strong friendships with a few girls he has know for most of his life, they are "cousins" in his mind.
If he already has strong friendships with girls, what difference do you feel dating would make?
quote:
I understand Amanda that your son has decided not to "date". Does this include taking someone to his prom?
We're in the UK - the Leavers' Ball is not quite the same thing as your Proms. He went to the Leavers' Ball on his own, as did many of the other young men in his year group, and spent the evening dancing and chatting.
He has invited girls out to lunch, kept it light, just talked, and developed friendships that way. He knows that it's easier to keep things on your own terms if they're done in the daylight rather than at night. Lunch is generally less "serious" than dinner.
quote:
Does his school offer opportunities for young men to learn the social aspects of respecting a woman and her parents?
I had to chuckle at that one. Ummm, no. It's ok though, we cover that at home.
quote:
Are you/your husband providing him with guidance as to the responsibilities beyond purity that come with dating/courting.
We have had an ongoing open conversation about this since he was about 4 years old.
quote:
I also would rather be aware of how my son behaves as a young man while he is still at home than have him go off to college unprepared for a world that does not share his/our goal of purity.
Letting him date too early could be counterproductive in that it could accustom him to a "flirtatious" lifestyle.
The emotional ups and downs of dating can also interfere with a young person's school work. This was a major concern of ours, and our son saw it for himself in the lives of his friends. The emotional pressures from dating are tremendous and can wreak havoc in the mind of a young person.
quote:
I also don't want him to marry the first girl he meets at 18 without truly understaning the basis for that type of commitment. Sure it would be easier to plan who we would like him to date and marry but that is not practical, so by allowing him to include a girl in his social group that he would like to get to know better I feel that we are providing him with guidance and rules to base his decisions on.
Including a girl in his social group is not, IMO, "dating". I do wonder if you're seeing "dating" the same as young people do. "Dating" to a young person means holding hands, kissing and touching.
It does not just mean hanging out together.
With any girl that our son has liked, we've encouraged him to get to know her as a friend, to not rush in but to spend time watching her, finding out what she is like, what her relationship with God is like. We've emphasised the value of being "equally yoked" right from the outset - of finding someone who not only is a Christian, but who is growing in their faith, aiming for the same goals, having the same standards. And he has taken these things on board for himself. He has really benefitted and is much wiser than many who have jumped into dating without really thinking about what they are doing.
< Message edited by manda59 -- 4/28/2008 2:17:23 PM >
_____________________________
"Well said, Manda"
(BlessedMamaofMany May 2008)
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 2:25:09 PM
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AslansChild
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I believe your last statement is correct. And that is what I want for our son. to have a different definition of dating. I also agree with the school work aspect. Not only is he in a challenging school he is also involved in athletics.
I would also be interested to know how aggressive girls are in your part of the world. That puts a great deal of pressure on young men and helping them understand how to deal with standing his ground. Boys at my sons school are often seen as the "dateable" boys to the girls parents and situations are created for the socializing and pairing, a scene that we are very new to.
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 2:28:20 PM
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his_chosen
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My oldest son is 15yo. He currently has no interest in girls. I don't see any point in young teens dating. Hormones are already raging. Why put them in a situation that might prove too much temptation?
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You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 2:55:29 PM
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AslansChild
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I guess the issue I need to get clear in my mind is when is it appropriate for someone to allow tempatation/testing and how best to prepare for temptation. While at 15 your son may have no interest in girls my son at 15 realizes that there is a different relationship dynamic that he would like to begin understanding. He will also probably be tempted with drinking, making choices with drugs and what to watch and what not to watch. Eventually these decisions will need to be made by him and he will have to live with and possibly repent for his choices. I am looking at opening the door for him to understand the obstacles, as well as benefits of easing into a situation than being faced with it all at once. I surely will not give him the keys to my car when he turns 16 and say have fun with the car, be careful the clutch sticks a little.
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 3:54:13 PM
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1love1God1way
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My thought is. . . you set the parameter at 16, you should leave it at 16. Stick to your guns.
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 6:29:15 PM
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shadowspring
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quote:
There is a lot of dating talk in the Sr. High group at church as well as from his peer group at school. The "end goal" is to have him interact with girls at the same level he does with his male friends so that he can understand how a friendship is built.
We allowed "dating" at 15 under this condition: a member of our family or a trusted young adult must accompany them. This has actually worked out better than we could have hoped.
Our daughter agreed, and to our surprise, her would-be beau agreed. They have mini-golfed with my husband, been to the house for dinner, gone to movies with our whole family. It is working well.
"Trusted young adult" means a youth group sponsor who knows and loves our daughter, in this case. So we don't watch them at youth group, but have other trusted adults keeping an eye on the situation.
Also we had rules about no contact, and goodbye pecks on the cheeks were okay, but that's it!
The way I figure it, boys who don't like our rules don't deserve to spend time with our daughter. Their intentions must be more than just getting to know her better as a person and have fun.
Plus we have a lot of fun as a family, so it is not the Victorian drag you may be imagining, with the old spinster doing needlework and staring suspiciously out of the corner of her eye-LOL!
It works for us (so far)!
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"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 6:56:33 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
We allowed "dating" at 15 under this condition: a member of our family or a trusted young adult must accompany them. This has actually worked out better than we could have hoped.
Our daughter agreed, and to our surprise, her would-be beau agreed. They have mini-golfed with my husband, been to the house for dinner, gone to movies with our whole family. It is working well.
Now, see, to me, that isn't dating at all but hanging out with your family. Maybe this is a cultural thing, but here in the UK it wouldn't be considered "dating" if anyone else was around, especially not an adult.
_____________________________
"Well said, Manda"
(BlessedMamaofMany May 2008)
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/28/2008 8:12:55 PM
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shadowspring
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LOL! Hanging out with our family would imply that he has a special interest in our whole family.
It is quite clear that his special interest is in her, not our whole family.
And they don't go to youth group with our whole family either, though sometimes little brother goes too.
I think it's called being chaperoned?
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/29/2008 4:17:05 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
I believe your last statement is correct. And that is what I want for our son. to have a different definition of dating.
I would respectfully suggest that for it to be something different it needs to be called something else.
quote:
I also agree with the school work aspect. Not only is he in a challenging school he is also involved in athletics.
In my experience, young people are *very* easily distracted once they get involved in romantic relationships.
quote:
I would also be interested to know how aggressive girls are in your part of the world. That puts a great deal of pressure on young men and helping them understand how to deal with standing his ground. Boys at my sons school are often seen as the "dateable" boys to the girls parents and situations are created for the socializing and pairing, a scene that we are very new to.
Girls here in the UK, for various reasons and because of a number of influences, are often the sexual aggressors, and from an early age. It has shocked me to see how young they start pursuing the boys and trying to get them to do what they want them to do. Here high school starts at age 11, and before our son started there, we spoke to him and warned him about some girls who try to "get boys going" by kissing them and touching them up.
quote:
He will also probably be tempted with drinking, making choices with drugs and what to watch and what not to watch. Eventually these decisions will need to be made by him and he will have to live with and possibly repent for his choices. I am looking at opening the door for him to understand the obstacles, as well as benefits of easing into a situation than being faced with it all at once.
I would personally suggest that you make sure he is "on board", and firm in his resolve with all those other choices before you allow him to "date". That is by far the biggest issue IMO. Once he becomes emotionally attached to a girl in a romantic way, he will also be likely to be influenced by her. It's far easier to influence and guide our children when they are not emotionally attached to another.
If you'd previously said 16, I'd suggest you keep it at that. That gives you a year to prepare him.
I would especially encourage you to speak to him about being "equally yoked". You've said that he is "smitten with" a few of the girls from the other school who aren't Christians - if he would even consider dating a non-Christian that to me is an indication that he isn't spiritually ready/strong enough yet, that he doesn't understand how important the whole "relationships" thing is.
< Message edited by manda59 -- 4/29/2008 4:26:46 AM >
_____________________________
"Well said, Manda"
(BlessedMamaofMany May 2008)
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/29/2008 4:19:10 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
It is quite clear that his special interest is in her, not our whole family.
You see, to me I'd call that exploring a special friendship, not dating. Dating here is one on one.
_____________________________
"Well said, Manda"
(BlessedMamaofMany May 2008)
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/29/2008 12:58:06 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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I have a 15 yo son. Fortunately, he has known from the time he was little that there would be no dating, as popularly defined, until he was ready for marriage. 'Dating' as the kids do it these days, and as we did in my day, is simply a series of immature romantic pairings that have naught to do with love absoutely nothing to do with preparing young people for the lifetime commitment that is supposed to be marriage.
So, since neither of my boys are ready to support a family, neither even considers the option.
This is not to say, however, that they, the eldest especially, don't hang out with girls as well as boys, nor that they may have special feelings toward one or two once in a while. In fact, we spent yesterday with a family whose eldest girl and my son, Brandon, have been best friends for years. Both of us moms suspect there are deeper feelings, and if so, that's wonderful, because they have seen over the years that they get along well together, can enjoy one another's company without some activity going on, etc. I can't tell you how cute it was to see them at the table with a laptop apiece, while she did her Latin class and he did his computer programming and they each had one earbud from an ipod in their ear so they could both listen to the same music. Every so often one would say something about the music or his/her homework to the other, but for the most part they just enjoy being together. And that is all well and good. But at fifteen, they aren't mature enough to handle what 'dating' would bring.
See, if you can spend time with a girl and see her fairly often, just in your day to day social activities with families and groups of friends, why do you need to 'date'? Isn't it almost always simply permission to get physical? And what is the end result of that, especially when the relationship ends?
What is it your son is wanting to do, that he terms as 'dating,' that he is not already allowed to do?
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/29/2008 1:23:49 PM
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bluestone
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My son & daughter were allowed to date in groups and ocasionally single date at 16, if the person they were interested in had come over for dinner, and I got to meet them and give them the "eyeball"...AND after I had checked with other parents to see what the person's reputation was.
One fellow I put my foot downabout had a bad driving record...and my son did not start dating until he had a part time job to help out with car insurance.
Dates had to be:
where they said they were going. (I did check up once in a while)
home by 10:30 on Fridays and Saturdays, no dates on weeknights.
Dates did not prempt family get togethers. Dates were not always invited to family times. Sometimes family is for family.
Any hint of inmorality and dating was off, phone calls off, car off.
Dropping grades brought about the same senario. No dates the weekend before exams.
Hence, my two did not date a lot, but did get to go out.
That given, I think under 16 is too young, and over 16 should be limited.
_____________________________
"Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did..and did it backwards and in heels!
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/29/2008 1:36:31 PM
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AslansChild
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well it appears as if there is some good advice here. I have seen my son interact with girls in the settings described even down to the sharing of an ipod. The interesting thing is that when it came time for him to ask a girl to a dance (going as friends) he did not choose any of the girls that would have said yes (friends). which leads me to believe he still has to understand the limitations of "dating" which is the process of a getting to know someone as a friend, what they may have in common spiritually and that they both share the same moral compass and that they can have a good time without all of the emotional baggage (re garbage). I think with the insight I have received here and the original path we will be maintaining the same standards we started with. When formals roll around next year we will allow him to ask someone to go but dating in a one on one situation is something that will not take place until he has a good grasp on what the true purpose is.
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 4/29/2008 2:24:44 PM
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notmycity
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We have encouraged our son not to date until he is ready for marriage. This will always be the case.
He’s almost 16.
In the meantime, we’re guiding him to set up his life in such a way as to become a good provider before he considers marriage.
Prov 24:27
27 Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house.
While this Scripture speaks of a literal and physical structure, I believe it also has application in establishing a household, starting with a spouse of course.
Hope this helps.
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"I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts." Psalm 119:63
and..
"For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come." Heb 13:14 = "notmycity"
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 5/3/2008 10:33:33 PM
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keelgirl
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While I am not the parent of a teenager, mine is a toddler, my husband and I already discussed this. We have desided that our children will not be allowd to "date" as our culture has defined it. It doesn't matter if you call it dating, courtship or whatever, its the fact we want our children to have the best possible marriage. We believe that our children should wait until they are ready for marriage before pursuing a serious romantic relationship. I do know that they will have crushes and feelings for those of the opposite sex but they do not have to act on those feelings at 13, 14 or 15. When they start "dating" at say 15, they might start kissing 6 months later, what will they be doing a year later? We want our children to understand that if they arn't ready to be maried there is no point in rushing things and possibly getting involved in something that they might regret later (not saying all of them do it but its alot more than you think).
My husband and I did the "courtship" thing, we do not really support the "I kissed dating goodbye" book, it put a bad taste in my husbands mouth when he read it,I didn't like it much either; but when he read "choosing God's Best" he had a new veiw of what courtship was and choose that route (I was the one who recommended it to him, we were only good friends at this point). So I recomend anyone to read Choosing God's Best by Don Rauniker (I think thats how its spelled)
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 5/4/2008 12:33:16 AM
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relady
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quote:
FYI, my son is 18 and made the decision at 14 not to "date", but to wait till he met a girl whom he wanted to marry Not to derail the thread or anything, but....how will your son know if he wants to marry someone without dating them first? I don't get this part of the "not dating" scenario. Or maybe, from what I'm reading here, your definition of dating is somewhat different than mine. Maybe I'm just old, but I dated for fun and companionship as well as checking them out as potential mates. But not every date I ever had to a school dance was about mating...it was mostly about having fun and not going somewhere without a date where most everyone else had one. My son and his early "girlfriends" went places with others as a group, etc., but he still called it "dating", LOL.
That being said....my parents always said No Dating Until 16, but they did relent when i was 15 and interested in someone they knew very well, knew the parents very well, etc. But it was very controlled and very infrequent.
< Message edited by relady -- 5/4/2008 12:49:01 AM >
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 5/4/2008 7:08:57 AM
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BibleBased
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This is the kind of thread that restores my faith in other christians. I'd like to thank everyone who has posted. In the UK, like one of the posters here, all i see in the churches is 'dating' exactly the same as in the 'world.' Yes they may wait a little longer before having sex, a few months for a so called steady relationship, they also have less sexual partners, 1 or 2 instead of 7 or 8 of there friends? before marriage.
But i have argued that this is not biblical or what God wants us to do. I will be telling my children, 5 sons, a couple of things. God wants you to be Holy/ pure. Also and this gets right to the point for me, imagine everything you do in private/ secret with your girl friend/s, then imagine your future wife doing the same with another man/ men. Not a nice image!
True christians will be in the bible daily and looking for a partner who is doing the same. There are too many reasons for not being unequally yoked. My life would be so much easier if i'd married a christian. Do you want satan controling your life partner? In your own house daily. Having a 50% influence over your children.
Thank you again to everyone who has posted on this topic. My advice to young people, only date believers as God tells us in the Word/ the bible. Also if you want to call it 'dating'?, do it with other people, never be alone and don't let satan make you sin, go against WHAT YOU SAY YOU BELIEVE. Love and God bless, BibleBased.
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 5/4/2008 10:51:27 AM
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peculiar_lady2
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quote:
....how will your son know if he wants to marry someone without dating them first?
I am not the one that said that, and my kids are still very young....but I wanted to answer your question from my own story. I knew that I knew that I knew that I would marry my now hubby before I ever even met him. We were set up as pen pals, and before we even exchanged the first letter I knew that we would be married. I would have to say it was God telling my heart that. We were hardly ever physically in the same state at the same time, much less the same city, until our wedding day (that day was only the 12th day we had ever seen each other)...yet we both knew that it was definitely God ordained. I never dated before him. I also didn't have problems knowing what I wanted and didn't want in a man...I didn't have to date to figure that out, it was just over time that I came up with my "list"...and yes I had a list. Even though my hubby was not saved until he was 28yo, he still fit everything on my list...even down to the stupid little things (like that I don't like tattoos....he doesn't either). I know that God put us together and that is what mattered most.
_____________________________
Proud Army Wife
Mom to Jake, Hannah, Emma, and Jack
Baby Boy due June 25, 2008
"God has a plan for your life...and so does everybody else." ~said by Doinkdom
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RE: Teen Dating (boy) - 5/5/2008 1:44:11 PM
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AslansChild
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I'm not sure who posted it but I agree w/ the statement about taking some one to a social event where you are "expected" to have a date, like a school dance. I believe some of this is peer pressure and some of it is allowing a child to experience a new step in maturity in a controlled envieonment. A fear of mine is that my son will fall in love with the first girl he meets in college and she may not be the one. And for those who have commented that they knew they would marry their spouse before or the minute they met him, I think that is more self fulfilling prophecy that love at first sight. Yes they are the only person you dated and yes you married them (usually after a very short courtship) but as Christians once you say I do you are committed to making it work so yes you are married to your first love becuase you need to stay married.
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