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Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/25/2008 3:43:59 PM
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Peachi
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When I was 4 years old my parents divorced...it was from what I was told my entire life all my father's fault and he just walked out on me and my brothers. As we grew up the subject of him was forbidden. I had a wonderful step-father that I ended up calling my dad because he was the one that raised me and as I grew up was alwaysn there for me. I was lucky to have a wonderful man in my life. He was a great man, wonderful provider for me and my brothers. Plus by then any memory of my natural father was gone.
When I was 18 I met up with my natural father. My mother found out and let me tell you .... it hit the fan. My stepfather understood, said it was natural for us to be curious. Well that meeting didn't go well. Deep down I know and admit most was my fault. I grew up to be almost as bitter as my mother was. Between being told that he jus walked out, finding out he had another child and the lies I grew up with I decided I didn't like him and the parting left many hurt feelings. So I went on with my life, trying to forget him.
Now 27 years later, I am a born again christian and know that for me to have complete forgivness of my sins from God I have to do the same to others. So after many prayers and some deep soul searching. I relocated my natural father and called him. What I thought would be the hardest thing to do actually turned out to be the easiest and best thing I could do. I told my natural father how sorry I was for all I said years ago. We sat and had a heart to heart talk for hours. I've discovered that most of what I was told as a child and young adult were ALL lies. My father was just as much a victim as I was.
Now my question...43 years later my mother is still VERY bitter. My whole life she has been my best friend...I would never do anything to hurt her. How do I discuss this new relationship with my natural father....my stepfather is now dead so I don't have the understanding one to help me with this.
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/25/2008 5:06:56 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 686
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Peachi, your situation is very common, I think. I'd say my grandmother is a lot like your mother. She's a Christian, overtly "talking a good game" kind of Christian. To be frank, her "witness" has hurt a lot more people than it's helped because it's quite hypocritical because she is off the charts bitter! It's quite sad. I have an aunt who is more like her every day but we all know if any of us ever got the nerve or accidentally said or implied to her that she was anything like her mother, we'd be instantly cut out of her life. And, while that would prove the very point, the irony would be lost in her bitterness. I feel stuck in the middle. I've struggled like you wondering what I can say to make them see this and how it's destroying their lives and driving everyone who loves them away. There's nothing I can say. It's going to take the Holy Spirit to get through that. You're in a no win situation.
If you really think she needs to know (and she'll probably flip out if she finds out from someone else), you should just tell her that you felt terribly convicted about the way you had acted toward your father because, despite everything (and leave that there), he's still your father and you hadn't been very "honoring" to him. So you contacted him, it was OK (she doesn't need details, be vague), and you feel so much better and freer. Keep it about YOU, never about her bitterness. That'll just awaken the beast. You can use yourself as an example and hope the Holy Spirit can use that to work in her. But I'd advise agaist going any further. Does more harm than good, IMO.
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/25/2008 5:08:17 PM
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agapetos
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My parents are divorced and my mother blames my father for the marriage breaking down. My sister and I were older than you though and while we thought for many years she was right about him, we've come to realise that it's often not just one person who causes a marriage to fail and there is often bitterness.
My sister and I both deal with mixed feelings about what our mother said to us over the years (even when they were married).
Does your mother know that you're in touch with your father again? Do you feel you need to discuss it with her? I wonder if it's best for you to approach this from your Christian faith ~ that you were very angry towards him for his treatment of you and your family but you felt that you needed to speak with him and ask his forgiveness ~ just as God has forgiven you. Perhaps explain that you've forgiven your father and he's forgiven you and now that you're both adults (you and your father) you're forming an adult relationship.
You need to make sure that she knows your stepfather isn't reduced in your eyes and you were blessed to have him in your life for so long. You also need to tell your mother that you've been blessed to have her.
I suspect there will be tears (I know there always is with my mother when she doesn't get her way) ~ and that is understandable in a way ~ her security has been in speaking poorly of your father.
Remember that their marriage breaking down was not your fault. You have a right to have a relationship with your father. Your mother may harbour bitterness for the rest of her life ~ that is her choice, but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your relationship with your father to please her.
I know this sounds tough ~ too many people have lots too many years with a parent because of the bitterness of the other though.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/25/2008 5:52:21 PM
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ChoirDJ
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From: So Cal
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Your mother formed an opinion about your father many years ago and she has every right to do that. What she doesn't have a right to do is to impose that opinion on you, which she has unfortunately done throughout your childhood. Now that you are an adult, you have the opportunity to form your own impression of him and deal with him accordingly. Your mother may very well be licking her wounds over the embarassment she is feeling about the "truth" being discovered...but that's her problem, not yours. It sounds like your experience was a positive experience for you and I would encourage you to not let anything or anyone (especially your mother) interfere with your decision to keep the contact going. I'm happy for you in that you were able to reach him and gain a clearer perspective on things while he is still alive. May God bless.
_____________________________
"I have so much to be grateful for I have no time to ponder over that which was denied."
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/25/2008 8:31:43 PM
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crh737
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
Your mother formed an opinion about your father many years ago and she has every right to do that. What she doesn't have a right to do is to impose that opinion on you, which she has unfortunately done throughout your childhood. Now that you are an adult, you have the opportunity to form your own impression of him and deal with him accordingly. Your mother may very well be licking her wounds over the embarassment she is feeling about the "truth" being discovered...but that's her problem, not yours. It sounds like your experience was a positive experience for you and I would encourage you to not let anything or anyone (especially your mother) interfere with your decision to keep the contact going. I'm happy for you in that you were able to reach him and gain a clearer perspective on things while he is still alive. May God bless.
I agree with ChoirD. You are an adult and you owe your mother no explaination whatsoever.
My mother also divorced my father when I wa young, but unfortunately, he was on his deathbed and my mother used her bitterness from me seeing him to say good-bye. I was of age and she stole that right.
Don't let you mother steal your right to know your father and have a relationship with him.
Bitterness is a terrible seed to live with and she will not be satisified either way. Don't live your life to please her or others.
You are to live you life pleasing unto God.
Enjoy your new found friendship with your natural father and may God bless you
CRH
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/26/2008 2:16:43 PM
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NoDumbBlonde
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Peachi, don't you imagine that your mom is using her anger and bitterness toward your father to cover up for her hurt from long ago. It can also be used as a weapon to punish your father for whatever she perceives that went wrong in the marriage. She may be unwilling to look at the break up her responsibility in any way. Either way, it sounds as if she was teaching you to be as bitter and angry toward your father to punish him. Since she has never forgiven him and let go of all this bitterness it must have destroyed any peace she may have had in life. 43 years is a long time.
I know a family that is much as you describe. The grandmother is a controling, somewhat vindictive and carries a grudge for a lifetime. Instead of letting it go and finding peace through Christ, she passed those traits to her daughter. She grew up to be very bitter, angry and resentful, very controling too and despite claiming to be a Christian shows no fruit for all her past years of ministry. She manipulated her daughters into hating their biological father when he left when they were toddlers. When she remarried on a year or so later she refused to allow her daughters to see their father. She trashed whatever love they had for him and insisted that the stepfather was now dad. Fastforward 40 years. Her daughters are mothers and even a grandmother. They have become very much like their mother and grandmother. They are each controling, bitter, refuse to take responsibility for mistakes and use manipulation to get what they want. The next generation of daughters are my step-daughters. We are trying to teach them to not allow bitterness and anger to rule their lives. They are 19 and 27 now. They are seeing how unhappy their mother, grandmother and great-grandmother are. So we are trying to stop this generational curse.
Regardless of what happen between your parents when you were a child, they are still your parents, two individuals. To force a child to choose between parents is cruel, sadistic, manipulative and very selfish. Your mothers bitterness cost you your father. You were blessed by a step father but its time to try to heal old wounds. Its wonderful that you and your natural father have reconciled so maybe its time that your mom begins to find some healing too. I suggest praying for her. Is she a Christian? If not, begin praying for her salvation. If she is then help her to see that carrying all that unforgiveness is affecting her. Giving forgiveness is not for the other person for for ourselves. Pray about how to handle telling her about your dad. Teach her about forgiveness. Help her to find peace at last. I'm sure there are Christian books that can help you lead your mom in understanding the importance of forgiveness. But, as always, pray!
_____________________________
<----- My Blog: A Day in the Life
You know you're wealthy when you have enough money to do something other than breathe.
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/26/2008 2:34:49 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1044
Joined: 1/22/2008
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quote:
Now my question...43 years later my mother is still VERY bitter. My whole life she has been my best friend...I would never do anything to hurt her. How do I discuss this new relationship with my natural father....my stepfather is now dead so I don't have the understanding one to help me with this.
First, I just want to say "thank you". What a wonderful story of hope and healing---a great testimony to the life of Jesus in you. Thank you!
I do not know how to proceed with your mother. Bathe the situation in prayer. Bitterness is a deep, deep root that is hard to uproot and as the scripture says, it defiles many. (Hebrews 12:15) But bitterness keeps you from God's grace. So your mother is really hurting herself and so many others.
I would pray that God create the perfect time to talk with her about this. Her pain should be your concern---her woundedness. Not her wrongness, not what she did or didn't do but how much this holding on has hurt her. The Lord grieves for her. And I do too. Bless you. Ask those close to you to pray for you as you seek the Lord's timing in all of this. Bless ya, LL
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/27/2008 1:25:57 PM
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Peachi
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thank you all for your kind words. My mother has found out about the new born relationship with my father (via a brother) So I need your prayers...I am driving 4 hours this weekend to confront her and HOPEFULLY have her understand and see why I've as she puts it"opened a can of worms"
Since opening the lines of communication with my father we have seen each other twice and talked on the phone numerous times. I now have such a great sense of peace and know that I too have forgiveness from both my earthly father AND my heavenly father. I gave my life to christ when I was 18 but strayed for many years. Since rededicating my life 4 months ago and resolving all thes issues from my past I have grown to know so much more peace, happiness and I thank my Lord Almighty for that.
God Bless all of you!!
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/27/2008 1:45:51 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 686
Joined: 3/24/2008
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Don't think of it as confronting but maybe as a trip just to visit and reassure her. It could happen (with a major move of the Holy Spirit) but don't count on seeing a decades-strong wall of bitterness to crumble at your feet. If she gets ugly, just stay calm and don't take it personally. I'm just imagining how my grandmother would be acting in your mom's shoes.
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/27/2008 4:14:42 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1044
Joined: 1/22/2008
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quote:
So I need your prayers
Thanks for asking us to join in prayer for and with you, Peachi!
I pray the Lord goes before and prepares your mother's heart. Like the singers that led Jehoshaphat's army, I pray songs of deliverance for your mother to be set free from the tyranny of anger and bitterness that has so long held her captive.
You must feel much like Jehoshaphat who said, "For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on Thee." But listen to the word of the Lord.
"Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's. . .you need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf. . .the Lord is with you."
And when they began singing and praising the Lord, He defeated the enemies. Give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness is everlasting! The Lord will fight for you as you sing and praise Him. He will be victorious!
My prayer for you, Peachi! LL
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/27/2008 6:45:34 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5351
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
Don't think of it as confronting but maybe as a trip just to visit and reassure her. It could happen (with a major move of the Holy Spirit) but don't count on seeing a decades-strong wall of bitterness to crumble at your feet. If she gets ugly, just stay calm and don't take it personally. I'm just imagining how my grandmother would be acting in your mom's shoes.
I agree. I think it would be better if you left rather than confront. Do reassure her that you love her still.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 4/27/2008 8:33:19 PM
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Sadey
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Joined: 7/25/2007
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What a beautiful story you've shared with us. To think that our heavenly Father put all of this together so that you can have a loving relationship with your dad after all these years. This just moved me to tears, that after 27 years you sought your dad to ask for forgiveness.
I'm thinking that if God can bring that about then He can handle your Mom and her angry heart. Plus God has put you in a win win situation. You can't turn back and unforgive your dad now can you? So whatever your Mom says or does it won't change the fact that you forgave your dad and now Praise God! you have a relationship with him.
Your Mom may rant and rave for awhile but what choice does she have? She can't make you go back to hating your dad and she won't want to lose you over this. I just believe that God is going to continue to do great things in this whole situation.
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RE: Still Bitter after 43 years - 5/2/2008 1:36:55 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1403
Joined: 1/27/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Peachi
thank you all for your kind words. My mother has found out about the new born relationship with my father (via a brother) So I need your prayers...I am driving 4 hours this weekend to confront her and HOPEFULLY have her understand and see why I've as she puts it"opened a can of worms"
Since opening the lines of communication with my father we have seen each other twice and talked on the phone numerous times. I now have such a great sense of peace and know that I too have forgiveness from both my earthly father AND my heavenly father. I gave my life to christ when I was 18 but strayed for many years. Since rededicating my life 4 months ago and resolving all thes issues from my past I have grown to know so much more peace, happiness and I thank my Lord Almighty for that.
God Bless all of you!!
The best resource that I have ever found, both for you and your mother, is a book and/or DVD series by Dr. Caroline Leaf. Bitterness has emotional, spiritual and physical consequences. Your mother needs to understand that she isn't doing your natural father any harm; but, she is definitely doing herself a great deal of harm by holding onto bitterness all those years.
The emotions we feel are completely electro/chemical. Negative emotions arise precisely because negative memories create negative signals and chemicals that end up creating the emotional feelings. These chemicals are just plain toxic in every sense of the word. Chances are that your mother has a whole host of conditions that are the result of this chemical onslaught.
"Who Switched Off My Brain" explains all this and offers the solution, which is taking every thought captive and transforming these negative memories by the power of the Holy Spirit and the Scriptures. I highly recommend it for ALL of your family members. It is perfectly suited for the life experiences that all of you have had.
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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