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Sincere Advice Needed from fellow brothers - 4/14/2008 3:24:22 PM
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anne_shirley
Posts: 4
Joined: 4/14/2008
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Hello everyone! I am in a dilemma right now. I have a guy best friend, and we've been friends for almost six years now. Anyway, we're doing our graduate studies together in a university here in the West Coast. We used to be in the same office before we came here to do our graduate school. We met in a university in the East Coast (New York), and we've become friends since then.
To make a long story short, our relationship as friends has become very deep and close. We pray together, and we're together most of the times. People think we're a couple or even engaged. There was one time when he told me he liked me, and thought that he was falling in love with me. But he said he might not get married and that our relationship would not go beyond friendship. This was 3 years ago. He never had a GF. Mind you, he's a very decent, and nice fellow. The problem is we always end up together, either in the same company and now in the same university. I must admit that we did plan to do our grad studies here in UC berkeley together. We both got scholarships, though we're in a different program.
My problem is that it used to be okay that we just become friends. But right now this is no longer case. I am falling for him, and no matter how I try to kill the feeling, it never goes away. Because I know that he might never get married, I am really afraid what will happen to me if I stay here and study together with him. I have asked God for guidance and help.
One time I told him about my plan to short-cut my stay and just transfer to another university. I just reasoned out that I am having a hard time coping academically. This was a lie, because I am doing pretty well and getting good grades. He told me it wasn't good for me to think this way. Then I told him I am afraid that I might get unmarried if I stay in the same university with him, since we're always together. I also told him that I don't want to get too much attached to him, since it is not good since we're not a couple and he might find someone else. Well, I told him this a couple of times. A few times I told him about this, he held my hand. He said I shouldn't worry and just trust God. He said I shouldn't worry about other girls because there's no one. (He's an attractive man, BTW.) But he told me that if I am having a hard time emotionally, I should go and transfer to another school. He said it's my decision, and it is up to me what I think is best for me. He told me that of course it would be better if I finish my grad studies, but he then again told me that it is up to me. He also said that in God's time I will get married, and he held my hand again. Another time he said I should just trust God, and I will meet the right guy.
I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I know the he loves me. And there were a couple of times when I feel that he might be the one. But everytime I remember those times he told me he might never get married I feel paralyzed and trapped.
Please advise.
Anne SHirley
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RE: Sincere Advice Needed from fellow brothers - 4/14/2008 3:29:25 PM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MN
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Don't play games - be direct. Find out where he stands. His views on marriage may have changed. If not, then deal with next steps. But he should know the real reason why you are struggling with the relationship and he should know that you are entering a season of life where marriage (not necessarily to him, but as a general life step) is on the radar.
Most of all, don't assume he will "get it" by hinting at things. Guys need direct communication. We don't get "signals".
Now, I am not implying that things won't be ackward. Most certainly, they will be. But awkward yet in the open is much better than what you are going through now. On the other hand, maybe this will be the best news he ever heard. As I said, his ideas on marriage might have changed.
(p.s. My daughter went through something very similar. The guy wasn't interested. Confronting things enabled her to move forward with life. She didn't want to be direct about it, preferring to wait until he made some kind of move. She was using all kinds of subliminal communication which may be "plain English" to women but went completely over his head. All the time, she was in anguish over the whole uncertainty of the situation and dreading having to air things out with him. But, finally she took her mother and my advice and just came out with it. She didn't get the man, but she was much more at peace.)
< Message edited by gengwall -- 4/14/2008 3:49:14 PM >
_____________________________
DOGBERRY on posters:
They have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths;
secondarily, they are slanders;
sixth and lastly, they have belied;
thirdly, they have verified unjust things;
and, to conclude, they are lying knaves
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RE: Sincere Advice Needed from fellow brothers - 4/14/2008 4:08:44 PM
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APZR
Posts: 694
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: offline
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Agree, be direct.
Guys don't take hints very well... they are like a B2 stealth bomber.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: Sincere Advice Needed from fellow brothers - 4/15/2008 12:55:42 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 248
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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I agree - But it sounds like you need to know your own feelings, too. If you keep falling for him, then get it all out in the open and tell him - be direct and tell him - If he does not reciprocate, then move on. Eventually, your friendship with him, if you move on, will need to change anyway.
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RE: Sincere Advice Needed from fellow brothers - 4/15/2008 4:01:31 PM
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colliefan
Posts: 2225
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Raleigh, NC
Status: offline
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quote:
He always lends me his laptop, and one day he forgot to close the google window where he did the search. He doesn't know that he did the search.
Forget you found this information. But be honest with your feelings. But you need to know his feelings about marriage, kids, ministry and career intrests.
If he can't or will not share his feelings, as much a hit hurts, you need to move on.
_____________________________
The grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.
A. W. Tozer (1897–1963)
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RE: Sincere Advice Needed from fellow brothers - 4/15/2008 5:16:18 PM
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beauregarde
Posts: 458
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline
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The prevailing advice, "Be direct." is the best advice you will get.
If you could see yourself settling down into marriage with this guy, then tell him so. If there is not a reciprocal on his part, then perhaps it is time to scale back the relationship/freindship back several miles.
You may thin that you will get hurt, and it may be true in the short run. But for the long haul, you will be better off for it.
Forget about the "web search" you found. It is not as though he was searching for a date, porn, sleaze talk, phone sex, or a one night stand. Those would be flags of another variety.
Be direct, but keep the word count down - do not spiral in the conversation. Plan it out, before you speak it.
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RE: Sincere Advice Needed from fellow brothers - 4/16/2008 2:48:01 PM
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Kath
Posts: 16210
Joined: 2/28/2005
Status: offline
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anne_shirley
Welcome to Forums!
Posting the same thread in more than one area is considered spam and a violation of our Terms of Service. Please continue the discussion in the thread linked HERE
This thread is closed.
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