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She Wants Out - 6/5/2008 10:41:02 AM
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thisguy84
Posts: 2
Joined: 6/5/2008
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My marriage is in trouble. My wife and I have been married 9 months and about two months ago, she dropped a bombshell on me. She said that she no longer loves me and that she wants out of the marriage. According to her, the marriage was a mistake and should've never had happened. She claims to have felt pressured into getting married because that was the natural thing to do when you've been in a relationship as long as we had. To illustrate that a little better, you should know we dated for two years prior to becoming engaged and were great friends before that. She claims that she’s remained faithful to me, in the physical sense but has come clean that she has opened up emotionally with someone else. That relationship has ended, but according to her it had been going on since after we had gotten engaged. Some more background info, Right before the engagement I was offered a place on first shift at my job, rather than second which is what she also worked at the time. Career wise it was better for me, and monetarily it would end up being more beneficial for both of us once we were married. I discussed it with her before I made the move and she supported it a 100%. Well, looking back on it, I should never have made the move. We were both students at the time and once we were married there was no way that either one of us would be able to juggle a full time school schedule and a full time work schedule. So, we planned that she would be the student and work sparingly and I would concentrate all my time into working and making sure the bills got paid, which at first worked. I was pulling between 50-60 hours a week, plus handling all the household chores, and she was going to school full time. Due to my work schedule, I had to be up at 4:00 am every morning, Monday through Saturday, which meant that I typically was in bed by 9:30-10:00pm. My wife however is a night owl and usually remains awake until the time I'm getting ready for work. Anyways, she was going out with friends of ours almost every night of the week while I was in bed asleep or staying up playing computer games all night. I knew about her going out, because I told her, if I was asleep, then she didn't have to sit around the house just because I wasn't able to go. Now to clarify, she wasn't going out clubbing or anything like that. They would all go catch a midnight flick or play card games. So, as time rolled on, I eventually discovered that she had stopped going to class and had promptly failed out of school. You cannot believe how irate I was. I had given up my free time with my friends, and time with her, so she could fully concentrate on her studies and she pulls a stunt like that. I should also point out that my wife suffers from severe depression and does not take medication for it. Since she expressed her wanting to leave and end the marriage, I got her to start going to therapy first and foremost for her depression. She's been going, but still seems content on leaving. I've prayed that God would give me patience and allow me to continue to uphold my husbandly duties. I told her, that I made a commitment before god and my family that I wouldn't leave her or this marriage unless God had called me home. I intend to keep fighting for it, but it’s been a rough, rough time. Currently we are both part time students now ((a class a piece)), but I'm still working ((only about 40 hours now)) and she works maybe 16 hours a week. We have more time together, but she won't talk to me unless I bring up our situation, in which case she cries and continues to apologize for hurting me and getting me into this mess. I don't know what to do.
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RE: She Wants Out - 6/5/2008 12:35:30 PM
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janidhiro
Posts: 12
Joined: 10/11/2006
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How old are the two of you?
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RE: She Wants Out - 6/5/2008 12:47:13 PM
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thisguy84
Posts: 2
Joined: 6/5/2008
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She's 25 and I'm 24
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RE: She Wants Out - 6/5/2008 12:59:11 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 344
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
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You need counseling. The first year of marriage is hard, but going to school and working just adds stress. My husband completed his degree during the 4th year of our marriage (we have been married 25 years) and it was a rough year. Take the time to get counseling. I hope someone will encourage her to go.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: She Wants Out - 6/5/2008 2:13:25 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2862
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: thisguy84
She said that she no longer loves me and that she wants out of the marriage. According to her, the marriage was a mistake and should've never had happened. She claims to have felt pressured into getting married because that was the natural thing to do when you've been in a relationship as long as we had. To illustrate that a little better, you should know we dated for two years prior to becoming engaged and were great friends before that. She claims that she’s remained faithful to me, in the physical sense but has come clean that she has opened up emotionally with someone else. That relationship has ended, but according to her it had been going on since after we had gotten engaged.
almost every spouse engaging in an affair tries to rewrite marital history by stating that they never really loved the person and that the marriage was a mistake. i realize you say you don't talk much except about the situation, but are you doing things in your extra free time now? she likes playing games - card and video. are you doing that with her? i would try to meet her emotional needs as best as possible and minimize relationship talk as that is pressuring her and stressing her. try making marriage fun again. also and this is very important - does she still have any contact with the other man - even if it's just in passing at school or work?
_____________________________
[Low-Carb] Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheesecake
Photoblogging my life
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RE: She Wants Out - 6/5/2008 2:46:59 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10859
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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Find a Christian marriage counselor and MAKE the time to go even if you both have to sacrifice work or school.
My wife is bipolar and had taken off with another man recently. She is now back home, but of course there are issues that need to be addressed. EVERY couple has issues. Some just need that objective third party to help put the first things first.
God bless you both.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: She Wants Out - 6/5/2008 11:20:34 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1444
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: thisguy84
she has opened up emotionally with someone else.
When you guys got married, she probably vowed to "keep herself for you only, forsaking all others." In old England, a person who tempted a married person away from their spouse could be sued for "alienation of affections." She's being unfaithful emotionally.
It's a spiritual battle, but it doesn't help that she has serious character flaws: lack of work ethic, not finishing school, partying while you slave away and lying about promising to work as a team.
Can you get her back under a doctor's care? The meds would be good, and when was the last time she had a physical? Get some counseling and get your pastor in on this (or get a pastor if you don't have one). Go to counseling alone if she won't go.
James Dobson wrote "Love Must Be Tough" for dealing with a mate who wants to leave. Get it at the library or have the library do an interlibrary loan (might cost you a buck).
Pray like a big dog; there's serious sin here and God will hear you as you cry out to Him. May He bless you both and give you a wonderful story about how He saved your marriage and made it great. I am praying for you both tonight.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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