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Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 2:11:32 AM
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CRNA
Posts: 3
Joined: 5/13/2008
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I am posting here because I have been visiting this site for almost a year, and I have enjoyed the daily devotional and reading the members responses here to those who are in need. This is truly a blessing, and I consider my self-fortunate to be apart of this community.
I have a problem. I have been married for 5 years, and I have two little girls. I am separated as of this last week. My wife and I had an argument and I left. But, as you will soon see, it is much more complicated then that. Jodi (for private use) and I married in our early twenties after courting for 3 years. We broke up several times during our courtship because I desired to remain a virgin until marriage and we ended up in situations where it enabled her to push the envelope, so to speak. So I would leave her, and tell her I needed to recope and pray before we made an immoral decision. Luckily, we made it, and we fought the good fight and married.
The story begins. On our honeymoon, I was so excited, we could finally engage in becoming one, physically. I have been athletic my whole junior and high school life, body builder through college, and rugby player. My sex drive was and is very high, which along comes a great deal of self control, which I exhibited throughout my younger life as I adhered to the values God was instilling in me. Jodi was a cheerleader in College and showed a strong desire for me physically, which I enjoyed the attention. But, her relationship with the Lord is what drew me to here, she wasn’t very strong spiritually but she showed so much desire to be. We had quiet times, and prayer for each other during our courtship (which I quickly found out was not an excellent ideal because I get very turned on praying with her, I think God designed that in me lol) anyways, I finally decided to marry.
Back to our honeymoon, it wasn’t good at all. I finally could do what we wanted to do for so long, but it wasn’t good for her and eventually me. We were immature, but God would guide us, and I realized I needed to exhibit a great deal of patience and sacrifice, which I tried.
Fast-forward three years, before we had our girls. Our sex life was horrible. She would say "are you done yet, I am too tired, my face hurts, I had a long day at work, ect....." I prayed, and asked God to show me how to be selfless to her. I prayed that He would take away my sex drive so that we would not fight. The truth was, we fought so much about it that I could see she felt pressured into sex with me, and that is what I did not want. I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who "feels pressured to be with me."
So I asked God again, "Lord, I want to be a great husband to Jodi, and I want my desires to be yours, please give me patience, and maybe her drive will come or please show me how not to put so much pressure on sex" but the truth is, I love sex, not just because I am selfish, but because I feel like it releases frustration, stress, and the ability of Satan to tempt me, and she could do all of this by just becoming one with me. I would go to work (fulltime student, and worked 50+ hrs a week = which was probably one of the problems) and woman at the hospital would come on to me, even patients, patients family members and I always felt attacked with this temptation. I would have my quiet times during my breaks, and I would avoid the other woman who would pursue me, even knowing that I am married. For three years I did this, I allowed God to give me strength, He was my hope, what I was grasping onto.
I finally decided to quit one of my jobs, and go fulltime at my other. As I was training, my boss, a beautiful, intelligent, Christian woman was my preceptor. Right off the back, we had excellent chemistry (working chemistry), I was so excited because I actually enjoyed coming to work. I liked my new boss (just as a friend) and I enjoyed my coworkers as well as working with the doctors hand in hand. Well day in and day out, my boss was precepting me. One day as I was in a case, she came up behind me and touched my arm----I paused---- and to myself, I thought how nice it was just to have a woman touch me, the sweet, kind gesture of having another human, a woman’s touch. My wife had not done that in I don’t know how long. She thought that any physical interaction would lead to sex, so she tried to avoid it. But when my boss did, that one time, I committed emotional adultery, I thought in my head how special it was, even though it was just a touch.
I shrugged it off and continued with my workday, but I could tell my boss was becoming more and more interested in me. And truthfully, so was I. She was so outgoing, so loving to me, understanding, uplifting, caring----of course, everything my wife wasn't----Satan was setting a trap, or so I am thinking. On my way home that first day, I pray in my vehicle and I asked God to give me wisdom and forgive me. I came home and ask Jodi to sit down. I had tears in my eyes and I said, "Jodi, I need you, I need you as my wife, as my lover, as my companion" I began to tell her that Satan is tempting me with areas of our life you view so negatively, like our sex life. I informed her that she is the only woman in my life that I can come together sexually, and she is all I want, but she holds that from me, and I feel like she has used that to control me.
I have spoken with her, prayed with her; we went to our first sessions of marriage counseling because of it (we also attended a 16 week premarital counseling).
Well, nothing changed between Jodi and me. But things did with my boss and I. We began to talk and communicate more and more everyday. She became attracted to me and one day before the workday was over she approached me, and grabbed my hands and pulled me to her, and we kissed. I did not pull away. I was so torn, because I had not felt what it felt like to have another woman love me, and it had been so long since my wife had kissed me, wantingly without me coming to her and holding her. From then on I was so happy at work and so depressed at home. I know the relationship that I was forming was wrong, but I was so nice to have someone who actually liked me, and eventually grew to love me.
As days passed my relationship grew with my boss, and after pushing her away continuously when it came to making love, I finally gave in, and I committed adultery. My boss was ecstatic, and began falling for me, and eventually we would make love several times a day, every workday. I am not trying to make this thread bad, or unGodly, I am trying to take you through my emotional trip, so that you all can advise me.
I didn’t know what to do, her is my wife, who does everything she can to avoid sex with me (we would have meaningful sex once every week and a half or so, which eventually provided us with two beautiful girls), and almost any form of physical interaction. and then here is this stunning woman, who does believe in God (although her relationship is not strongly morally convicting as you can see), is intelligent, sexy and has a wonderful sex drive. To make things short, over the next two years my boss and I develop a very strong relationship, she even shows a great deal of concern for my wife and guilt, so she would buy her gifts and give them to me to give to her as if they came from me. She would by my little girl’s gifts as well as myself. She actually and truthfully loved me, and genuinely cared for me. This was evident over the whole two years. But I knew what I was doing was not right, I just couldn’t fight it anymore, I began leading a double life, but eventually I broke, and I told my wife. She was heartbroken, and so was I. I decided that seeing my little girls with their mommy and daddy was more important then my selfish desire to be loved, so I picked my family up and we moved to another city, (I was fortunate that Jodi decided to try and work things out). We lived in the other city for 6 months and then moved back, to where we had friends and family.
Our sex life never improved. She informed me that she felt like her intimate feelings for me started to dissipate the day of our honeymoon. We started her on hormone shots, which helped, but in the end, she was "having to have sex with me". It was nice and wonderful to have a woman that actually "wanted" to be with me, and loved being in my presence. But, my family has to be more important then my happiness.
My former boss, would text me every once and a while, sad, and upset, she gave me my room. But the truth is, in my heart, I know God dislikes divorce; it is such a horrible picture of His love we are supposed to be exhibiting towards our spouse, similar to Jesus exhibiting His love for the Church. But...I loved this woman, my boss, I loved her spirit, her soul, and her love for me. Feelings or not, I still loved her, and she loved me. There was no more "infatuation" or "lust"; it was just sincere love for another person. It has been over three years now, and I am back in the similar situation again.
Jodi and I got into a fight, during sex, she started complaining about this or that and I had had enough! I got up and said bye and headed to the gym where I have been able to release my frustration for the last five years. She texted me, and said she was tired of it, and I said, "Mark your words wisely Jodi, if you tell me to leave, this time I will" and she sent me the message "Then leave", so I did.
Let me clarify a few things. I love my baby girls, I work 48 hours a week and still go to school full time, when I get off work (night shift), I go home and wake the girls, I bathe them while Jodi gets ready, and then I dress them, then I take them to school. After taking them to school, I text my wife, asking if I can bring her breakfast. Then I go home, sleep, wake up at lunch, and after to take her lunch, after lunch I come home and sleep some more, trying to get at least five hours of total sleep before I go back to work. I pick both girls up at five from daycare and take them home. If I am not working, I make the nights special; I either go get movies and popcorn for all of us as a family, or I take everyone out to eat. Every night I am off (3 to 4 nights per week) I lay Jodi down on our bed while she watches her show, and I massage her for one hour, I understand the day she has had and I find enjoyment in helping to release her stress through massaging her back, feet, arms, and legs. I make it special, I lay towels out, warm oil. I make points to make time on the weekends to go visit her family and so on.
I am saying this because I want to point out that I am trying to be a good husband and father, though little appreciation is ever reciprocated, it really breaks my heart. I have never let her go without; she has a new suv, and the house she wanted. I make it a point to take her clothe shopping once a month, you know, just her and I, making it a point to put aside 500.00 so she can get what she desires. I try to do everything I can, even though I know there is more I can do, please don’t mistake my level of energy as pride, I earnestly try cloaking myself with humility. But nothing every changes on her side of the relationship, nothing :(.
I am so dismayed, I pray, I fast, and I try earnestly to turn from my vices and progress in His word. But I just cant live like this. I have so much love that I want to give, to someone who appreciates it.
My boss has found out that I left her, and she is excited. I have told her that I am not interested in anything right now, except my relationship with God.
Let me clarify. I know what I did was wrong, I sinned before my Lord and Savior, I am a sinner.
Please help advise me, pray for me, ask me questions.............I need someone to talk to, It is tough being alone and I don’t want to fall into any woman’s arms.
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 9:15:39 AM
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lastblast
Posts: 1634
Joined: 9/20/2005
Status: offline
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The fact is that "other woman" is NOT a Godly Christian woman. She is on the prowl...........the fact that she is HAPPY that you have left your wife and little girls speaks volumes to me. Read through the OT on the attributes of an adulteress. This woman is content and joy filled with the destruction she has brought into your family's life.........she wants what she wants and it matters not who she hurts to get it. Do you honestly think such behavior is "Christ-like"? Did Satan put a trap in your way? Absolutely...........and you fell right for it.
You know what? I know that you are sad, lonely, etc, but you did not find your strength in Christ. You forsook Him and followed your flesh----THAT is why you fell. That should be your biggest concern. Until you TRULY submit your life to Him, you will continue to fall and you cannot blame your wife, because in truth, as Christians, we stand before God guilty because of how WE respond to those tribulations placed before us----we either stand faithfully or we succomb to sin, exposing those areas where we have NOT died to self. Humble yourself and return to your family and get help.........if your wife will not, then you do it. Jesus placed you as the head of the family. If the "head" is weak, the family will not be healthy. You are your wife's example of Christ. I know from what you say, she is not walking in Godly submission and honoring you as she should, but you have to be the one who shows her a Godly example. Mediate on Eph. 5 and YOUR role as her husband. Jesus was your example. It's a HARD, HARD walk, but with Him, you can overcome all the obstacles before you----if you humble yourself and walk obediently, in spite of circumstance. Blessings..........
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 9:49:53 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 937
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
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I will try and be sensitive, however, you mention all the really nice things you do for your wife. You make her breakfast, take her to lunch and dinner and give her a masage with warm towels. You bought her a new car and house, you give her money and take her shopping. Did it ever occur to you that may not be what she wants? I know it wouldn't work for me.
You need to really know your wife and what she needs in a husband. If you don't know, ask her. It seems to me you tell her what you want, have you ever asked her what she wants? We all have own own "love language", what is your wife's?
Again, I hope I didn't offend and welcome.
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 11:55:03 AM
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RichNay
Posts: 30
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
It seems to me you tell her what you want, have you ever asked her what she wants?
mmmmmmhhhhhmmmmmm i couldn't agree with this more.
As long as you are playing the martyr (going on about all the things you do for her and seemingly forgetting about her contribution) your relationship is doomed. you see, when we are so focused on ourselves we don't see anyone else. do you ever praise her publicly and privately for all the things she does for you? how about not making her feel like ANYTIME you touch her you want sex. you said she feels like this, well there is a reason for that, just like a man will lose desire when things are forced, strained or pressured (do it, do it now!!!) a woman will feel that way when she feels like she can't even give a modicum of affection for fear she will be obligated to go all the way. Also, you seem to be putting the onus on her for leaving, but you threatened her!!!!! What were you expecting from this kind of comment? ""Mark your words wisely Jodi, if you tell me to leave, this time I will""
Now, I am not saying that you should not be having sex, or that things are all your fault. But it seems as though you blame it all on her.
"If we had sex more this would never have happened etc...." But this is not necessarily true. No matter how frequently you have relations lust is lust.
So I guess my advice is, learn to control YOURSELF!! You can't force others to do what you want, but you can fix you. Perhaps, (if she will take you back) you could start hugging her or kissing her etc... without expecting anything. It doesn't matter if you don't come out and say it, people can smell an ulterior motive a mile away. Also, maybe if you were home more that would help too. School and work, it doesn't really sound like you have time for sex, well at least not the deep connection variety.
"It is tough being alone and I don’t want to fall into any woman’s arms." this comment also bothers me for a few reasons. the biggest one being, YOU DON"T FALL INTO SOMEONE'S ARMS! Short of being held at gunpoint noone can make you do anything you don't want to do. You need to get yourself right with God, take responsibility for your actions, read your Bible, pray and then go and BEG for your wife's forgiveness.
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 2:35:28 PM
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midwestmom26
Posts: 3
Joined: 4/24/2008
Status: offline
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First of all, let me say that I can give you a perspective from someone who is married to someone that was tempted in the same way as you and failed. The hurt is indescribable. There is a grieving and healing process that your wife must now go through, thanks to you, and she will need a huge amount of support from you.
I read each of your words, and understand the frustration when you are not getting what you desire out of your marriage. HOWEVER, I believe men and women give off certain signals. Those signals are red, green or yellow (as in a stop light). We all know types of people and can relate to those signals. Red – “I am married, committed to my spouse and there is NO chance of anything happening;” “Yellow – I am married, committed, but I do like attention and if worked on in just the right way, there may be a possibility I would give in (which is where I believe you were);” and Green – “Go for it, I love the flattery and attention and am game for whatever comes my way.”
This woman was very smart to pick up your signals and know that if she tested the waters and, like a chameleon, made herself into everything you were lacking, you could probably be had. If she possessed the level of faith she proclaimed, she would never want to be responsible for you lying to your wife, cheating on her and ultimately leaving her. All those wonderful, nice things were very well calculated – don’t think for a minute they weren’t. The mans’ ego is a powerful thing, and when fed properly, can do powerful but destructive things.
I said this to another at this site, remember Satan does not come to tempt us in ugly packages; he always uses very attractive and/or enticing packages. Satan hates you and your marriage and is delighted at what a wreck you’ve made of it.
Pray, pray, pray that your wife can find a way to heal and forgive you. Your decisions have hurt a lot of people – yourself, your wife, your children, the other woman and anyone else who loves you and loves your marriage . . . GOD!
The good news is that God does love you and your marriage and would not lead you away from it. PLEASE get some Christian counseling, be obedient, patient and prayerful, and you will eventually, at some point, be rewarded for being diligent in those things.
God Bless you.
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 4:31:58 PM
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CRNA
Posts: 3
Joined: 5/13/2008
Status: offline
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Wow, okay, just trying to take all this in, thank you for the responses, I will comment later, thank you again.
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 5:58:10 PM
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dkgnew
Posts: 114
Joined: 4/20/2006
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quote:
informed her that she is the only woman in my life that I can come together sexually, and she is all I want, but she holds that from me, and I feel like she has used that to control me.
I have spoken with her, prayed with her; we went to our first sessions of marriage counseling because of it (we also attended a 16 week premarital counseling).
My Brother,
I have been exactly where you are. You do not need to be beat up on anymore by self-righteous folks! (mostly females - i can tell). What I went thru was the same with someone who just wanted to know that a Man wanted her, but did not care to understand that it was a two way street! i did the samethings for months and years, but HER attitude was "IF i love her i would not FORCE her. I never forced her, so her was the quandry. (and we got married very young as well) if i touched her, apologised for whatever, woke her up after she told me to give her an hour to rest, then she accused me of making a SEX-machine out of her or only wanted her for sex. Mind you, I washed, cooked, cleaned, did more things around the house than she did and worked as well. Take care of the car, kids, did things at church. She had more time for our kids and other folks but, i was somehow "abnormal" for wanting to have sex as often as i did. I use to think something was wrong with me, and fasted and prayed, bought myself a keyboard, played sports (which she hardly supported me in).
That only set the stage for more selfish behovior on both our parts...it was crazy! we went to a lot of counselors. I would always be apologising. SHE HARDLY ever apologised for anything, and take responsibility.
My take on this is "some people do not know what they have until they lose it".
I still feel hurt when i think about how abused i was and made to feel that i was a freak, instead of trying to find a middle ground. I know that my response was not the best and times, but i worked and changing and even she admitted i changed for the good, but she "thought" Me loving God would mean that I hardly have any need for sex...very convoluted.
We were married for 16+ yrs, a lot of verbal and physical abuse from her, (and i left many times and came back) till i left for good in 2005 and married the best girl friend ever, in 2007.
Some will be mad at me here, but i don't care that much.
I was doing Great by myself until i met a woman who thought she had no issues, and that if I changed thinks would be alright (and compromise, meant HER way)! that was a load of "......" you name it. "bologne" maybe. lol.
Anyway, I'm sorry that you succumbed to the scheme of the devil like so many of us have. and it is very easy when two people do not know how to be selfless or they are uneducated and have very WARPED view of sex, love, and intimacy!
Be strong my brother. do let the devil gain more ground than he has already. Take back your purity.
KEY: getting together with this other woman, "could" mess up your whatever integrity you are trying to salvage. pray hard with someone who can help you from where you are. '
i feel you are already beating up yourself, so slow down and count the costs and make your prayers clear and honest to God.
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 6:09:16 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 433
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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Not sure if any of the previous posters pointed this out so I will. You used the word "love" to describe the feelings you and your boss had for each other when it was anything but love. Lust and passion might better describe the situation but not love because "true" love doesn't behave this way. Among other things, 1 Cor. 13:4-8 states "love is not self-seeking", "does not delight in evil" (and affairs are inherently evil), and "love always protects". According to this definition you haven't loved anybody in this picture although you may have done a lot of "nice" things for your wife so to speak.
I can relate to the pain, misery, and loneliness you are feeling but you allowed those things to take your eyes off God and downfalls always follow shortly thereafter. Take to heart what the previous posters said and rededicate yourself to the Lord and to having a biblical love for your wife and children. Love is also patient so you need to be patient with how your wife is handling this because it will not be an easy road for her if she decides to stay in the relationship. As someone else eluded to earlier, we some husbands tend to "love" their wives they way the husbands feel they should be loved rather than finding out from the wife what she actually needs. Educate yourself on your wife's idea of love and there are many books out there to help you on that. The material things mean nothing without true love.
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 5/13/2008 6:17:17 PM >
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 7:55:15 PM
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stateofgrace
Posts: 2005
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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dkgnew, it seems to me that you are projecting your own situation onto CRNA's and were not necessarily "exactly" in the same situation. First, CRNA did not state that his wife was physically and verbally abusive. Second, you were married much longer and are likely at least a decade older. Third, it does not appear from your post that you had an affair during your marriage (unless you left that part out).
CRNA:
If a woman loves her husband and does not like sexual intimacy at all (not up and down desire but no desire at all), there is often something medical/physical or emotional/psychological wrong. If sex is physically painful or uncomfortable for her (and this is the case with some women) that can be a real desire-quencher. If there is trauma in her past - abuse, for example, she may equate intimacy with that trauma. Since your wife was apparently showing at least somewhat of a seductive behavior before marriage, and then did not have pleasure or desire for intimacy, I suspect it is possible that there is emotional trauma in her past, or that sex was/is physically painful for her? Are either of these a possibility? You stated that she was on hormone shots which apparently helped a little. Does she have some kind of medical problem?
It's a very hard road to be married to someone who has those kind of issues, but with God all things are possible.
While sex about every week and a half isn't frequent by any means, I suspect it is still in the range of "normal" for a busy couple with two young children. It seems to me that the (lack of) frequency wasn't as nearly as much of the problem in your mind as was your wife's lack of enthuiasm. Understand that for a woman in that position, things can be difficult as well. I'm not condoning your wife's behavior - simply stating that many times men don't want to feel like their wife doesn't highly desire them, but don't want their wives to fake enthuiasm either.
As far as the adultery, it didn't make things any better, did it? A spouse that is cheated on loses trust in their spouse and the relationship. Your wife's problems with desire were likely only magnified by your betrayal. Your wife chose to stay with you despite being heartbroken. That says something. Unfortunately the two of you didn't chose to fully focus on rebuilding your relationship at that point. Yes...that responsibility fell on both of you. You and your wife needed serious counseling. I pray that it is not too late to pick up the pieces.
As far as this other woman loving you, I'm glad Choir03 pointed out what true love is.
_____________________________
less junk, more Jesus
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/13/2008 8:18:57 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16662
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
Status: offline
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Attention: Moderator's Note:
Issues and questions of a sexual nature, even within marriage, are not allowed here in forums. Therefore, this thread is being closed.
Those with questions and problems in this area should take advantage of this excellent resource for married Christians. Their forums are much more suited to answering questions of an intimate nature.
http://themarriagebed.com
Please do not reply to this message within the Community, or PM me regarding this message.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Sincerely,
Karlie
Forums Moderator
_____________________________
Shoes CAN change your life...just ask Cinderella
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RE: Seperated, Help Desired - 5/15/2008 12:30:41 AM
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Kath
Posts: 16206
Joined: 2/28/2005
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CRNA
Please email community@salemwebnetwork.com concerning the status of your account. Please allow time for a response.
Please do not post under this handle or any other until you have heard from the administrator.
Sincerely
Kath
Volunteer Assistant Administrator
Please do not reply to this message within the Community.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message as I am unable to discuss it further.
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