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Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:06:52 PM
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bcraig927
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Joined: 6/4/2006
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I have a step-daughter that just got a job with about a thirty miniute commute. Me and her carpool because we work in the same city but now her hours are changed. She will be working until 11am and I do not get out of my second job until 7pm. My spouse thinks that I should drive her home before my second job which is from 5-7pm. It will be an extra 40 minute commute (round trip) from my second job. The problem is my wife thinks any father would transport their child an extra 40 minutes. She only gets things for the kids but does not help with the mortgage, phone, utilities, food, gas and all other household expense. Gas is $4 a gallon and my daughter can ride the bus and get home earlier. She will get home about 3pm. My spouse thinks this is unfailr and I am sure my daugther will too. My spouse even called me a liar because I said I would transport her after work. I know that I did not lie. I do not like this stress. What can I do?
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:08:20 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5742
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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How old is your step-daughter?
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"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:16:06 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 2898
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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quote:
She only gets things for the kids but does not help with the mortgage, phone, utilities, food, gas and all other household expense.
Getting 'things' for the kids is helping out with the household expenses...
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She will be working until 11am
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She will get home about 3pm.
It's going to take her 4 hours to get home on the bus? That doesn't make sense...
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Gas is $4 a gallon and my daughter can ride the bus and get home earlier.
Depending upon her age (16 or older) I think that riding the bus is a good idea.
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<-----My fabulous Joel & me in Scotland
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:23:01 PM
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bcraig927
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My step-daughter is nineteen years old. The bus only comes at certain times because we live so far away. The bus ride is about one hour. It comes at 2 and gets home around 3.
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:29:38 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1702
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Well this father would not be transporting a 19 yr old girl free anywhere given the price of gas and other factors. At 19 she is old enough to realize part of her responsibility is providing her own way back and forth to work. Can't she find a job closer to home or more accessible by bus?
Your wife needs to stop letting an adult step-daughter cause tension in your marriage to the point she is calling you "a liar" That is not right at all.
Is the stepdaughter paying bills?
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:30:54 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 2898
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From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bcraig927
My step-daughter is nineteen years old. The bus only comes at certain times because we live so far away. The bus ride is about one hour. It comes at 2 and gets home around 3.
She's old enough to either have her own car or to ride the public transportation system. I see nothing wrong with her riding the bus and paying for it herself out of her job earnings...she's an adult and needs to start living like one.
_____________________________
<-----My fabulous Joel & me in Scotland
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:32:00 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 2898
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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quote:
Your wife needs to stop letting an adult step-daughter cause tension in your marriage to the point she is calling you "a liar" That is not right at all.
I think the daughter is step to the OP and biological to the mother...
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<-----My fabulous Joel & me in Scotland
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 4:39:33 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5742
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bcraig927
My step-daughter is nineteen years old. The bus only comes at certain times because we live so far away. The bus ride is about one hour. It comes at 2 and gets home around 3.
Well, in my opinion she should not have got a job at all that would have involved her being dependent on you, or anyone else, for a ride. When I got my first job, after college, at 21, I expected (wanted, even) to be able to get to and from there independently.
Regardless of whether or not you did give the impression that you'd give her a ride, I think she needs to be doing this independently now. I also think she should be paying something for her keep as well (my ds started paying us something each week once he turned 18), but maybe that's another topic altogether. Maybe she should also be saving for a car of her own.
As another poster said, she's an adult and needs to start being treated/behaving like one.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/1/2008 8:53:59 PM
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buckifn
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Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
I think the daughter is step to the OP and biological to the mother...
Yes, and I think that is why the Mom is more responsible for making sure the daughter does not interfere in her marriage. If it were reverse,and it was my daughter I would feel more responsible to make sure my child respected my marriage and her step-mother.
In fact, I believe kids will try the boundaries more with the biological parent to see how much they can get away with.
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/2/2008 3:02:38 PM
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SouthernBelleGrits
Posts: 31
Joined: 5/29/2008
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Sounds like its time for a family meeting .... ASAP! Give everyone a chance to voice expectations and concerns. It sounds like needs versus wants should really be discussed and if she is pushing for a want instead of a need then she should expect to pay some for that luxury. Here are some questions I would definitely start with.
How much is the daughter making?
How much extra money and time will it take for you to make the extra trip versus the cost of the bus?
Can Mom meet half way to pick up daughter? If not, why?
Does the daughter get to pocket all of the money she makes at her job. If so, then I'd make a plan for her to begin contributing. Help teach her how to be accountable for herself and show her how to get ready to live on her own.
Captitate your Kids is an excellent book to help children learn to be financially responsible. My 17 year old is now into her 5th year of budgeting, has held a job for 1.5 years, has her own bank accounts and debit card, gained a scholarship to college, and pays for everything down to her make up, toothpaste and shampoo off of a limited allowance. She pays for her friends gifts and her social entertainment too. I can't praise this book enough. Paying for things out of "Her" money made all the difference. she slowly began to understand why she needed to shop for sales, look on the clearance racks, and go to matinee movies instead of nighttime.
Good Luck. Keep us posted.
< Message edited by SouthernBelleGrits -- 6/2/2008 3:08:50 PM >
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/2/2008 8:36:34 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 276
Joined: 3/9/2008
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This isn't so much a step-daughter issue as it is a marriage issue - that involves the step-daughter. I'd suggest that the two of you (you and your spouse) get together with this and not make the decision solo - Involve a counselor if necessary.
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/6/2008 11:30:49 PM
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DenimDiva
Posts: 6313
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: CA
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If this is the same step-dd that you mentioned in your other thread about loud music- she has some serious growing up to do.
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/8/2008 8:52:42 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7901
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits
Sounds like its time for a family meeting .... ASAP! Family meetings should only take place after husband and wife are in unity regarding all matters that will be discussed at a meeting, unless the meeting is for gathering information.
To the OP: Your wife is being unreasonable about expecting you to drive 40 minutes out of your way. Furthermore calling you a liar when you have not agreed to continue an agreement based on entirely different factors is extremely disrespectful and rude. She is in the wrong and quite frankly, she is the one who is lying.
If the step-daughter doesn't like the way her new schedule is impacting her, it will give her reason to do something about it. If you go out of your way to deal with her work issues rather than her dealing with them, then you are enabling her to continue to be an immature decision maker. If she doesn't like riding the bus, she will have to come up with a solution that doesn't involve asking you to do something that adversely impacts your life. This could be anything from riding the bus and saving for a car or finding a job with hours more to her liking or even enrolling in a vocational program or college where she will be working toward a better job.
_____________________________
When you stand up for what’s right, don’t expect the one in the wrong to be happy about. He may get very angry. That doesn’t mean you should back down and give in. It means you need to stand firm and diligently pray for him and for yourself.
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RE: Relationship Probelm with spouse/teen - 6/9/2008 5:29:22 PM
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mayfly
Posts: 74
Joined: 5/26/2008
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Cynthia, I completely agree with everything you've said.
OP, I definitely think you need to have a family meeting, after you have discussed this with your wife.
_____________________________
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5
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