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Male friend phoning me... - 7/27/2008 11:44:04 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
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So, this guy and I meet way back in either late middle school or early high school years. The first time I met him, I wasn't impressed and really didn't care one way or the other if I saw him again or not. By the time I was a senior in high school, a good female friend of mine and his brother were dating. So, we saw each other more because both of us hung out with her. We became really good friends. AFTER I graduated high school, we became even closer friends. Going out to the movies, out to eat, etc, etc....just as friends and never anything more. As the years past, I liked him as more than a friend from time to time, but the feelings were not returned, so I chose to continue a friendship with him instead of just letting it all go all together. We ended up going on an overnight trip together at one point...just me and him...which seemed strange to everyone around us, seeing that we were JUST friends...come to find out, he had started to like me as more than friends right before the trip, and when I found this out, of course, my feelings for him resurfaced. BUT nothing happened...we never had a "relationship" more than friends...never held hands or anything...strictly friendship. He was my best friend though...I told him everything, and we were always together. I thought that there could never be a better friend than him. Well, I got married first, and a few years later he did. We remained friends and even talked on the phone from time to time, and when we could, we, as couples, would get together. He recently visited me...and then went back to our hometown and specifically did something that I asked him not to, and then started saying things about the church that I attend...not good things... I asked him not to tell my mother something because I wanted to tell her...and he told her. He told people that at our church we didn't even have Bibles...which is sooooo untrue. Hubby and I don't carry ours every Sunday as others who have young children because we are holding our children...everyone else has their Bibles, and there is no way that he could have missed that as he didn't sit beside us, but beside others who had their Bibles open and following along. Well, I haven't even told him that I know that he's said these things...but my mom knows what she knows and he was the only one who could have told her. Anyway.....................he's still calling... I usually just tell him that I'm busy and get off of the phone quickly. His birthday is coming up soon, and I always call him on his birthday. I don't know if I should call him and tell him why I feel the way I do...because does it really matter???????? Or just not call on his birthday, he'll know that things aren't right, and maybe just start to avoid me too?????????? I just don't feel comfortable talking to him anymore as I feel like whatever I say will get told to my mother. (My mother and I are not on good terms. He knows this.)
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 6:08:31 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5752
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Visitor in Waiting,
There are a couple of things here that seem to me to throw up red flags:
Firstly:
quote:
I liked him as more than a friend from time to time
- indicating a possible attraction that could still be there underneath. Also, if he knew this, it could mean that he knows you could be vulnerable to him, which he could use for his own ends.
Secondly:
quote:
He recently visited me...and then went back to our hometown and specifically did something that I asked him not to, and then started saying things about the church that I attend...not good things...
- indicating that you've likely talked about things too much with him; in other words treated him like a confidante and talked about things that matter too much, been too personal with him. I am not saying you had any wrong intent - you might just not have realised it wasn't wholesome to do so. It's also of concern that he meddled and caused trouble - if I were you I'd be asking why. It certainly does not seem that his involvement in your life is at all healthy.
Does he know you have been having problems with your marriage?
quote:
I don't know if I should call him and tell him why I feel the way I do...because does it really matter????????
I'd say no, that IMO it's not a good idea.
quote:
Or just not call on his birthday, he'll know that things aren't right, and maybe just start to avoid me too??????????
I'd suggest you don't call on his birthday - that if you want to do anything at all, send a card to him from your husband, yourself and the children.
You're not comfortable with this contact, so I'd say go with your instinct and let the personal contact go.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 8:36:08 AM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 801
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
- indicating that you've likely talked about things too much with him; in other words treated him like a confidante and talked about things that matter too much, been too personal with him. .
Not that personal... He came to our house, so he saw that we had a boat parked out front. We didn't tell my parents yet because we wanted to show them when they came to visit (which didn't happen because of conflict). I asked him at least twice during the two days that he was here to not tell my mom because I wanted her to see it for herself when she got here. The next time I talked to her, she said, "He told me you had a boat."
quote:
Does he know you have been having problems with your marriage?
No idea. He does, however, tell me how unhappy he is in his.
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 8:40:50 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5752
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
Not that personal... He came to our house, so he saw that we had a boat parked out front. We didn't tell my parents yet because we wanted to show them when they came to visit (which didn't happen because of conflict). I asked him at least twice during the two days that he was here to not tell my mom because I wanted her to see it for herself when she got here. The next time I talked to her, she said, "He told me you had a boat."
The fact that he talks to your parents at all about you/your family seems quite weird to me, and especially when you asked him not too. Creepy even.
quote:
No idea. He does, however, tell me how unhappy he is in his.
WHOA! That's the biggest red flag here. That is totally inappropriate and unwholesome. That alone IMO would be enough to step back or away from him, even without his meddling with your mother.
If he needs to talk to someone it should be a counsellor or his pastor. Not a female married friend, and especially not one who used to be attracted to him.
You said "no idea", rather than "no". Do you think then that there may be ways that he might have picked up that you are unhappy in yours?
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 9:51:40 AM
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VisitorinWaiting
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
You said "no idea", rather than "no". Do you think then that there may be ways that he might have picked up that you are unhappy in yours?
Sorry. I meant that he had no idea about our marriage. He thinks that it is "perfect" and says that he wishes his were more like ours. I see how you could have taken it that I had "no idea" if he knows or not....
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 10:00:10 AM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
Sorry. I meant that he had no idea about our marriage. He thinks that it is "perfect" and says that he wishes his were more like ours. I see how you could have taken it that I had "no idea" if he knows or not....
OK thanks for the clarification! I see what you meant now!
The fact that he is comparing his marriage to yours is also dodgy. Another indication IMO that stepping back would be a good idea.
And also, the less he knows about your family, the better - to spare you the problems with your mother.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 10:10:06 AM
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agapetos
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I think the only thing that I can add to what Manda is said, is that if he calls you again, you tell him that you'd rather he not contact you any more, because of what he has said about you to others when you requested he didn't.
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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 2:22:24 PM
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isaacsmom
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I agree with all the previous posters.
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 2:25:13 PM
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PrincessDonna
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From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
Hillary, I think it might be time to let this guy go completely. His behavior was out of line, and if you are having troubles in your marriage, keeping in touch with a "sympathetic" guy (even if he doesn't know you're having trouble) can be a danger to you.
I agree.
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I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
~Psalm 57:9-10~
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 3:31:26 PM
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MrsTracy72
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Hillary,
Maybe when he came to visit, he picked up on the fact that your husband wasn't there. Unfortunately, I don't know what to tell you. It is hard to lose a friend, but at the same time, he is not what you need right now. You and your husband are working on making things better and you can't have him getting in the way.
And as for the bible thing, who cares???? I have my bible with me in church most of the time, but I rarely open it because we always have our scriputre up on the screen. I hate paging through my bible and getting to the point where our pastor is when he is halfway through reading.
I am sorry about you and your mom. Hopefully you will be able to mend that relationship, but as for your friend, I would tell him how disappointed you were with him going back and talking about you the way he did and that it might be more appropriate that since you are both married to other people that your friendship may no longer be appropriate.
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/28/2008 11:37:49 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 801
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Thank you all for confirming what I was feeling. There is one other little piece to the story. He and I used to go to the same church. Actually, he was the first person in MY LIFE (including my parents) that invited me to church, kept on me about coming, and got me there every Sunday. So, we were on the same page as far as that went... I became a member of his church, and agreed with everything that was taught there, even though I had unanswered questions about their beliefs. My dh's family is of a different denomination and different beliefs. My unanswered questions were answered Biblically at dh's church by dh's pastor, which also happens to be fil. Long story short, he found out about our differences in beliefs when he came to visit. He and I have been debating about it a lot. I am SURE that if I tell him that I don't think we should talk anymore that he will relate it to this difference in beliefs. It doesn't matter what he thinks. It really doesn't. He isn't a priority in my life. He isn't a part of my life anymore. It's just another piece of the puzzle that may make it seem more sensable that I still even answer the phone when he calls....
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/29/2008 12:02:31 PM
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MrsTracy72
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Good job Hillary. If he does try to make you feel as if is your different beliefs that are pulling you two apart, remember that is usually the first thing people go after when they part ways. My ex in laws do that often. If they have a difference of opinion with anybody, it is because they (the people they have chosen to distance themselves from) have become "religious fanitics" They have lost many good and old friends that way. He may do the same, but you know the truth and you don't need to explain anything more to him than you both need to keep your current relationships a priority. It will be ok. It will take time because you were such good friends, but it will be ok.
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/29/2008 12:22:25 PM
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JJB1222
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
It doesn't matter what he thinks. It really doesn't. He isn't a priority in my life. He isn't a part of my life anymore. It's just another piece of the puzzle that may make it seem more sensable that I still even answer the phone when he calls....
Good for you! After I got married I decided to end any male friendships. They just weren't as important as my DH's love and respect. I never regretted it. I think you will see God's blessings in this.
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/30/2008 2:30:39 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5752
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
I became a member of his church, and agreed with everything that was taught there, even though I had unanswered questions about their beliefs. My dh's family is of a different denomination and different beliefs. My unanswered questions were answered Biblically at dh's church by dh's pastor, which also happens to be fil. Long story short, he found out about our differences in beliefs when he came to visit. He and I have been debating about it a lot. I am SURE that if I tell him that I don't think we should talk anymore that he will relate it to this difference in beliefs.
I'm just curious - which two denoms are you talking about? If you don't want to say, it's fine, I was just interested.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/30/2008 8:33:20 AM
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VisitorinWaiting
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He is Baptist.
We are non-denominational, but would fall along the lines of Freewill Baptist/Wesleyan. (More Wesleyan, but people usually give me a confused look when I say that...because it's not one of the "larger" denominations in our area, and they don't know about the beliefs or have never even heard of that denom.)
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 7/30/2008 9:39:47 AM
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MrsTracy72
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LOL, I understand the look thing because when you told me what denomination you were, I was glad to finally ask about it. We only have one church in our area that is Wesleyan. I have never been to the church but really wanted to know. I know that there are different types of Baptist churches and depending on which you go to, your views on different' denominations can be very different. Some seem more "closed" that others. I just wish people would understand that God is God, Christ is Christ and as long as that is where your heart is and your church teaches the Bible, it is all good.
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/9/2008 7:28:07 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
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Well, this situation has come full circle. Wow...you won't even believe how far this goes...it's hard for me to believe. Right now, I am very upset...shaking...and can hardly type...I am watching out for typos... Anyway, I sent him a message telling him that my mother knew such and such and did he know how that happened. He said that he told her...and he said that he told her because she told him that I owed her a lot of money and that she had bought this that and the other for us, and that he didn't think that it was right that we had bought something when we owed my mother money. What she didn't tell him is that we paid her back thousands of what we owed to her last year...and totally paid off the one major purchase that she loaned us the money for. Instead of taking his concern to me, he just took it upon himself to decide that she should know what I asked him not to tell her until she came to visit. *sigh* So, he and I discussed it via email for a day or so, and he apologized saying that I was right about what he should have said to her and that he will not get involved in situations with me and my mother again. I shrug at the apolgoy because somehow, I don't believe it.
Well, this gets a little off topic here, but my mother...my mother gossiped to my former best friend AT CHURCH. I have been told that she cries every Sunday at church and when people ask her what is wrong, she answers, "They don't want me to be a part of my grandchildren's life." All the people there are like, "Poor thing, look what her daughter is doing to her." This used to be my church. I was there for years before my parents started coming. But they all believe the gospel of my mother instead of coming to me to see what is really going on. So...my 12 year old cousin sent me a text message today telling me that she isn't talking to me anymore because of how badly I have/am treating my parents. HUH?! For one thing, why would they even be discussing this with a 12 year old?! For another, it looks like my mother is on a mission to turn all of my friends and family in my hometown against me...and from my standpoint, she's winning them over.
This angers me...but it also hurts too. Hubby doesn't understand the hurt part. He understands the anger and shares it with me...but he doesn't understand how I can be hurt when she's been so outright mean. It's my mom. It's my dad. I love them. I knew from the get-go that my mom is a controlling woman, and when she doesn't get her way, she lashes out. She has hurt many people that I can remember growing up, but I never thought she'd do this to me. When I think about my family, I wonder what she has said to them, and what they have believed. What does my grandmother think of me? What do the aunts, uncles, and cousins that I was so close to believe about me now? Why don't they ever call me to see if her stories pan out? Do they not know me any better than to think if I'm doing what she says I'm doing, I must be going mentally crazy or something? It's like they have disowned me. All they care about is my children. I told them that if they don't want to talk to me anymore, it will also mean not talking to my hubby or my children. At that, they claimed that I was keeping the grandchildren from them. Nothing about being said about not seeing me...nothing about missing seeing their son-in-law. This whole situation just makes me livid, but hurts so much too. The only family and friends that I knew for 23 years of my life all believe lies about me............
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/9/2008 9:11:31 PM
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MrsTracy72
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Hillary, all I can say is that I am so sorry. Could you calmly confront your mother and ask her why she brought her issues with you to your friend rather than straight to you?
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/9/2008 9:26:54 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 801
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Sorry...I didn't say. After this first came out, I did confront my mom, asking her whys and stuff...and she yelled at me, telling me that I didn't want her to be part of my life.  She's irrational and controlling... She did call a few weeks ago and said that she was sorry "for hurting my feelings." She doesn't get it. That was not the point at all.
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/9/2008 9:33:04 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 1747
Joined: 2/28/2007
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Well, give it some time and maybe when the dust settles, you can talk about it. And ask why she never visits and tell her she is welcome anytime. If she wants to see you and the kids, she will take you up on it. And if not, then you know what is really in her heart.
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/9/2008 10:04:36 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5752
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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VisitorinWaiting
It's your business of course, but I was wondering why you appear to have chosen to disregard all the advice given to you in this thread and contacted this man again.
There's no obligation of course to take advice that is offered, of course, I'm just surprised, that's all. Especially as you said in one of your responses here that we were confirming what you were feeling. So I'm curious really as to why you made this choice, what your decision was based on.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/9/2008 10:17:47 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 801
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
VisitorinWaiting
It's your business of course, but I was wondering why you appear to have chosen to disregard all the advice given to you in this thread and contacted this man again.
There's no obligation of course to take advice that is offered, of course, I'm just surprised, that's all. Especially as you said in one of your responses here that we were confirming what you were feeling. So I'm curious really as to why you made this choice, what your decision was based on.
I started this thread on July 27th. He had called me on my birthday...July 18th. I told him that day that I would get back to him. The message was sent to him about the boat BEFORE this, and he didn't answer it until recently. I guess I didn't explain that too well... When he replied, he was saying a lot of things that were not true, so I set some facts straight and then let it go. That's when he apologized. I haven't contacted him since...and don't plan to. Maybe even setting facts straight via email was too much, but I felt like it was important for him to know why I was not contacting him anymore...because I knew what HE would have thought it would be for...and that wouldn't be true and would not help with questions he had asked me and I had given him answers...wouldn't help my witness as far as that because he would think that I was not in touch with him anymore because of difference of beliefs... Anyway, I hope that all makes sense...but the majority of what happened all started before this thread was even started... He hadn't replied, and I was wondering whether to call him and confront him that way. He called me MANY MANY times one day last week, and I just let it go to voicemail. My contact with all people from my hometown/state is almost over. I will call my grandmother from time to time, but that's probably going to be the extent of it now...
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/10/2008 1:11:57 PM
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BrowneyedAL
Posts: 558
Joined: 2/26/2008
From: North Alabama
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
Hillary, I think it might be time to let this guy go completely. His behavior was out of line, and if you are having troubles in your marriage, keeping in touch with a "sympathetic" guy (even if he doesn't know you're having trouble) can be a danger to you.
Very very true!
_____________________________
Lisa
I have learned in whatever state I am to be content (Philippians 4:11)
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RE: Male friend phoning me... - 8/10/2008 6:21:53 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 1747
Joined: 2/28/2007
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Hillary, he was still calling you last week AFTER you told him not to? Maybe it is time to talk to his wife. Is she home during the day where you can call her and tell her that you would like her to tell him to stop calling you multiple times a day? That could end it pretty quick because I am sure she doesn't know he is calling you.
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