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Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/4/2008 11:34:57 PM
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cowgurl4christ
Posts: 38
Joined: 10/17/2005
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I've had quite a few really nice guys ask me out in the past school year, and every time, I ended up turning them down.
I don't know if I'm being shallow or being picky or afraid to have a new relationship or what! They all possessed some really nice traits and 2 of them are Christians, which is an added bonus, but I always seem to find qualities (sometimes physical, sometimes not) that I don't like, and get disinterested as a result. eg) I don't want to date a smoker or a cat lover. Cat allergies...I have been and still am friends with all the guys who asked me out, and it seems like that's the only way I can see them--as friends. I'm just worried that if I keep this up I'll keep shutting out potentially great guys.
If it makes any difference, my last relationship was pretty intense for me, and took me a looonnnng time to get over, but the break up itself was smooth and we've remained good friends since then...I can't help but compare more recent guys to my ex though (in a good way. my ex was great, there was just no true long-term connection).
So perhaps if some one could talk about shallowness, and give some guidance on how to be less shallow & more accepting (or just some guidance in general), that'd be great!
Thank you in advance!!
 
_____________________________
"My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me.
My God He was, My God He is, my God He's always gonna be."
 Artist for Christ
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/4/2008 11:58:42 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 459
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
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Well, I don't know......what kind of characteristics did you turn them down for? I think that would tell you a lot right there if you could answer that question. For example, if you turned them down because of their hair color, I'd say that's shallow. However, if you turn them down because they aren't christians, well, that's what you should do. We are to be equally yoked.
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/5/2008 8:46:53 AM
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TheBrad
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Joined: 5/13/2008
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Well, there are certain things that are non-negotiable. When I am considering a woman, there are three questions I ask: 1) Is she a genuine Christian? If yes, continue to number two. 2) Do I like her. Wanting to marry someone you are attracted to is Biblical (see Proverbs 5, which talks about how enjoying your spouse physically protects you from sexual immorality!). Now granted, some people's standards of physical beauty are pretty ridiculous, but that doesn't mean attraction is unimportant. 3) Are we theologically compatible? I know this isn't on everyone's list, but for me it is non-negotiable. There are certain issues where I am pretty inflexible, being more Reformed and all, and pretty much every older, wiser and married person I have spoken to concerning this agrees that it is important.
Smoking is not an unreasonable, shallow turn-off. Not only does it give a person bad breath (horrible, actually) but it is unhealthy. My opinion is that a man should strive to be a lifelong provider and protector for his wife and children, and that includes living a healthy lifestyle so your family doesn't have to worry about your health so much (this applies to women as well)! So I certainly don't see smoking as a shallow non-negotiable.
As for cats, I can see how this is something that you personally don't like, since you are allergic to them. It is more than a personal issue for you, and while a man liking cats isn't necessarily a detriment to his character (well, if he is one of those people with 20+ cats that might be in question), it certainly warrants conversation at the very least, presuming he meets your other requirements. But this isn't shallow either since it does affect your health.
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/5/2008 10:44:58 AM
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Pauley464
Posts: 572
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Washington, Indiana
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I agree with TheBrad. I would also add that if you're turning down all these guys because they're overweight or bald or they don't have ripped abs or they aren't bulked up like weight lifters or because they aren't George Clooney look alikes then that is being shallow.
I also believe that you are perfectly correct in turning down non-believers, smokers and cat owners for the same reasons sited by TheBrad.
But if you are looking at characteristics such as the type of shirts and slacks he wears or you don't like his hairstyle or the way he decorates his home and other meaningless characteristics, then that might show that you are afraid to commit for some reason.
You said, "...I can't help but compare more recent guys to my ex though (in a good way. my ex was great, there was just no true long-term connection).
No matter how "great" the other guy was, it's an insult to be compared to him and not be evaluated on your own merits.
_____________________________
There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/5/2008 8:30:02 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 459
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
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Neat quote, Rachel.
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/5/2008 9:18:02 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 879
Joined: 12/11/2007
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Why would it be shallow to turn down men that you are not attracted to and can't picture yourself spending any romantic times with him? I think it's even shallower to pretend that you like a guy and spend a lot of time getting to know him when you know deep inside that a relationship is not going to happen. THat's just leading them on and wasting both of your time.
Let's be honest and admit that attraction is a big part of relationships. Without attraction, it would be like dating your cousin, lol.
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/5/2008 10:42:23 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3183
Joined: 2/11/2008
From: The Hundred Acre Wood
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Why would it be shallow to turn down men that you are not attracted to and can't picture yourself spending any romantic times with him? I think it's even shallower to pretend that you like a guy and spend a lot of time getting to know him when you know deep inside that a relationship is not going to happen. THat's just leading them on and wasting both of your time.
Let's be honest and admit that attraction is a big part of relationships. Without attraction, it would be like dating your cousin, lol.
First; It is always wrong to lead someone on, I would not advocate that.
Second; Attraction can be defined in many ways. I am first attracted to a man's character and faith. If his character and faith attract me, then I am interested enough to spend time with that person to see if anything else develops. Looks are not a huge factor for me. It's not that I don't notice a good looking guy, it's just that many times their character and faith are so unappealing, it's easy to look away. KWIM
_____________________________
Nadine
"It's like everything good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/5/2008 11:16:25 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 459
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Why would it be shallow to turn down men that you are not attracted to and can't picture yourself spending any romantic times with him? I think it's even shallower to pretend that you like a guy and spend a lot of time getting to know him when you know deep inside that a relationship is not going to happen. THat's just leading them on and wasting both of your time.
Let's be honest and admit that attraction is a big part of relationships. Without attraction, it would be like dating your cousin, lol.
First; It is always wrong to lead someone on, I would not advocate that.
Second; Attraction can be defined in many ways. I am first attracted to a man's character and faith. If his character and faith attract me, then I am interested enough to spend time with that person to see if anything else develops. Looks are not a huge factor for me. It's not that I don't notice a good looking guy, it's just that many times their character and faith are so unappealing, it's easy to look away. KWIM
very good
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/6/2008 12:21:09 AM
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cowgurl4christ
Posts: 38
Joined: 10/17/2005
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quote:
Prairiehiker: Let's be honest and admit that attraction is a big part of relationships. Without attraction, it would be like dating your cousin, lol.
I agree there. Dating a guy in which I'm only attracted to his non-physical features would be difficult for me. I'm not saying he's gotta be chiseled and movie star-like, but there's gotta be something physical about him that attracts me too. A guy could be as cute as a button, but if he swore like a pirate or his conversations/actions are inappropriate, for example, I could care less about his looks.
I'm definitely the type who does NOT want to lead a guy on. I would never date a guy unless I saw something special in him in the first place. I never start off by thinking 'ok! this is gonna be a serious relationship!' I believe it's better to casually date first and see where that takes me...I have to start somewhere after all ;)
quote:
Pauley464: But if you are looking at characteristics such as the type of shirts and slacks he wears or you don't like his hairstyle or the way he decorates his home and other meaningless characteristics, then that might show that you are afraid to commit for some reason.
No, I don't look at that stuff...I will admit I am more attracted to guys who look like they take care of themselves. It's like TheBrad said:
quote:
My opinion is that a man should strive to be a lifelong provider and protector for his wife and children, and that includes living a healthy lifestyle so your family doesn't have to worry about your health so much (this applies to women as well)!
If a guy is very heavy or dress like a homeless person all the time, my first thought would be if he can't take care of themselves, how would he take care of me and perhaps a future family? (especially because I'm only 21 and if he's already overweight...that's not a good sign for the future!) I realize some guys have health issues that they can't help, but generally speaking, I feel my opinion has some sensibility to it. Think of how animals attract mates. The healthier, stronger and more colorful they are, the greater chances of them getting a mate.
*Just so I don't sound hypocritical here, I do eat healthy, exercise, etc.
quote:
Pauley464: You said, "...I can't help but compare more recent guys to my ex though (in a good way. my ex was great, there was just no true long-term connection).
No matter how "great" the other guy was, it's an insult to be compared to him and not be evaluated on your own merits.
oooh...I definitely stated that wrong. Sorry about that. Allow me to readjust my thoughts. lol. I don't compare other guys to him, but I learned a lot about relationships and life through him, and I definitely don't mean to make it an insult. There's certain things people look for in a partner, and dating him helped me realize what general types of characteristics I'd look for next time. For example, he is agnostic, and dating him taught me that I should stick to dating Christians.
quote:
BugLady: I'm just curious. Why did you sign off your post with this ----> smiley? Is that how you see yourself? Are you worried you are being shallow? If so, why not pray asking God to help you see others as He does? I don't know if strangers on an internet forum can answer whether or not you are shallow without knowing you personally.
I am worried that I'm maybe a bit shallow. It's just bugging me that there's been guys taking interest in me lately, and I'm not feeling any attraction for any of them...I just want to find out if it was because I was being shallow in some aspects, or if they're truly just not right for me. I will start talking to Jesus about this.
I understand it is difficult for strangers to help me with this subject via internet....but I still really appreciate all the feedback that has been given! Thank you!
_____________________________
"My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me.
My God He was, My God He is, my God He's always gonna be."
Artist for Christ
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/6/2008 8:17:09 PM
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BugLady
Posts: 2718
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: inside someone else's head. It can't be mine!
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quote:
It's just bugging me that there's been guys taking interest in me lately, and I'm not feeling any attraction for any of them...
That doesn't necessarily mean you are shallow. Nothing says you have to be attracted to every guy attracted to you. In fact, if you were, that would be more reason to worry, imo.
It's good that you are going to take this to the Lord.
_____________________________
Dear Tall Man,
What are you, 6'4" or 6'5"? And your eyes are blue, right? C'mon, somebody give me a photo line-up, please.
Sincerely,
BugLady
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/7/2008 10:11:49 AM
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BethyHerself
Posts: 8
Joined: 6/6/2008
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I was in the same situation this fall, three guys called or wrote to my dad in the space of five months and two were in the same week. I turned them all down and felt horrible about it, but you know what? I had looked at them all and prayed about it even though I wasn't attracted to any of them and I was okay with the fact that if I turned them down I would be single.
The things I turned them down for range from important to vague, but they all mattered to me. I couldn't talk to two of them, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't connect emotionally and that is something I'd rather not struggle with in my marriage. I know there will be moments when emotional love isn't there, but to be able to talk to my mate is important. One of them was unpredictable, which is a situation I didn't want to put myself in. One seemed to be stuck in a rut and wasn't making ministry where he was but instead wanted to go find a new church with people who could minister to him. All that, along with things like he laughed at jokes that I thought were lame, or he liked music that I couldn't stand.. it adds up.
I think the thing is to be honest enough to say that you have weighed the pros and cons and took it before God asking Him to change your heart if He wants you with this guy. Many can come through, but I'm holding out for a hero, even if he ends up being a geek or a farmer or a garbage man, I'll know by the seeds of righteousness I see God sowing in his life that eventually those seeds will grow and he'll become a man after God's own heart.
_____________________________
"A little bird I am, shut from the fields of air
and in my cage I sit and sing to Him who placed me there.
Well pleased a prisoner to be, because my God, it pleases Thee."
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/7/2008 8:42:56 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3183
Joined: 2/11/2008
From: The Hundred Acre Wood
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BethyHerself
I was in the same situation this fall, three guys called or wrote to my dad in the space of five months and two were in the same week. I turned them all down and felt horrible about it, but you know what? I had looked at them all and prayed about it even though I wasn't attracted to any of them and I was okay with the fact that if I turned them down I would be single.
The things I turned them down for range from important to vague, but they all mattered to me. I couldn't talk to two of them, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't connect emotionally and that is something I'd rather not struggle with in my marriage. I know there will be moments when emotional love isn't there, but to be able to talk to my mate is important. One of them was unpredictable, which is a situation I didn't want to put myself in. One seemed to be stuck in a rut and wasn't making ministry where he was but instead wanted to go find a new church with people who could minister to him. All that, along with things like he laughed at jokes that I thought were lame, or he liked music that I couldn't stand.. it adds up.
I think the thing is to be honest enough to say that you have weighed the pros and cons and took it before God asking Him to change your heart if He wants you with this guy. Many can come through, but I'm holding out for a hero, even if he ends up being a geek or a farmer or a garbage man, I'll know by the seeds of righteousness I see God sowing in his life that eventually those seeds will grow and he'll become a man after God's own heart.
To have this much wisdom at such a young age is a rare thing indeed. Keep your focus where it is and you can't go wrong. Pat your parents on the back for me.....they did a good job. 
_____________________________
Nadine
"It's like everything good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/7/2008 11:03:00 PM
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stimulus
Posts: 181
Joined: 6/4/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cowgurl4christ
They all possessed some really nice traits and 2 of them are Christians, which is an added bonus, but I always seem to find qualities (sometimes physical, sometimes not) that I don't like
You're gotten good advice, which has included not dating non-Christians. But I just wanted to reiterate that point - it's not an "added bonus" if he's a Christian. Make it a requirement for yourself.
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RE: Is it shallowness or pickiness? - 6/7/2008 11:09:42 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3183
Joined: 2/11/2008
From: The Hundred Acre Wood
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stimulus
quote:
ORIGINAL: cowgurl4christ
They all possessed some really nice traits and 2 of them are Christians, which is an added bonus, but I always seem to find qualities (sometimes physical, sometimes not) that I don't like
You're gotten good advice, which has included not dating non-Christians. But I just wanted to reiterate that point - it's not an "added bonus" if he's a Christian. Make it a requirement for yourself.
How did I miss that line.....I agree with stimulus......."Christian" should be on your no-brainer list.
_____________________________
Nadine
"It's like everything good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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