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[Poll]
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Is it possible for men and women to just be friends?
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Total Votes : 75
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(last vote on : 7/26/2008 1:38:48 PM)
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Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:05:05 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 767
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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Is it possible for men and women to just be friends?
I am not talking about a sexual relationship in any way. I'm talking strictly about friends without any "benefits" shall we say.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:08:30 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 767
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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I think I posted this in the wrong forum. if so, please feel free to move it (whoever is in charge). My apologies.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:08:53 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2982
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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yes definately. has this not occured in your life? sometimes another question needs to be asked ... should they just be friends? (ie, there is much debate about a spouse having a very close friend of the opposite sex.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:09:51 PM
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NoShow
Posts: 375
Joined: 5/10/2005
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Yes, but it will depend on the specific man and specific woman, often.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:20:12 PM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 8291
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From: Greece Thessaloniki
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assuming you are talking about someone that you are actually attracted to, then yes. rarely, but yes.
of course if its someone you are not attracted to then its obvious you are just being friends
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I'm a beast.
I'm a HH.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:31:41 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16719
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
Status: online
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I think it's very possible. I have a few very good male friends that I interact with often. There is absolutely nothing there but genuine friendship for the other.
If you're married(I am) then you have to be diligent with boundaries and careful to know yourself and the person you are friends with. If it's someone you've had a past romantic relationship with, then you need to stay away. If it's some one you feel even a teeny bit inclined to let feelings go where they shouldn't, then you have to be willing to walk away.
quote:
I have a friend of mine who I used to date (about 10 years ago). She and I are close, partially because of how our relationship ended and we were out of contact for a long time afterwards (religious differences)
quote:
My wife has a problem with the fact that I'm still in contact with her. I do love my wife, and would never leave her for my old flame, but I do care a lot about my ex and don't want to break off contact with her .
In my opinion, that would be a huge no-no. If you were romantically involved with her, it's natural for your wife not to feel comfortable with that. Who would? I would personally never expect my husband to be okay with me maintaining contact with someone I was once involved with. You may think the past is buried, but old flames have a way of reigniting when given the chance. If nothing else, your wife's feelings and your desire to make sure she feels safe, protected and cherished should come before any friendship. Even if nothing is going on, if it hurts your wife, it will eventually erode away the trust.
_____________________________
Shoes CAN change your life...just ask Cinderella
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:44:44 PM
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NoShow
Posts: 375
Joined: 5/10/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
I have a friend of mine who I used to date (about 10 years ago). She and I are close, partially because of how our relationship ended and we were out of contact for a long time afterwards (religious differences).
My wife has a problem with the fact that I'm still in contact with her. I do love my wife, and would never leave her for my old flame, but I do care a lot about my ex and don't want to break off contact with her.
Suggestions on handling this?
(Also, any prayers that this can be resolved in my life would be appreciated. I'd like it to be so that I can still have a relationship *NON PHYSICAL* with my ex, without my wife feeling threatened. Though I'm willing to do whatever God sees as being the correct choice.)
All my life I've had platonic relations with different females. When I was a kid, my best friend was a girl (we're still friends, but aren't in constant contact), in high school and college and after, I development numerous friendships with females (some were single, some had boyfriends, some married). Never did the "wrong" thing happen, though on a number of ocassions I found myself looking into the abyss. But I stayed out of the abyss.
So yes, I know a man and a woman can just be friends. And that it can stay that way. However, getting married, does come with some change of focus\priorities. You and your wife are to become one. And if it comes down to picking, the choice needs to be your wife.
Your wife is going to feel what she feels, so if she feels it's wrong or she feels threatened, you need to do what is best for the relationship, which is stop seeing your ex.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 3:56:54 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 767
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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"seeing" is a pretty strong way to put it, even, since she lives over 1,500 miles away. We visit, and that's about it.
I do see where you're coming from with your point, though.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 4:18:16 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 770
Joined: 11/28/2005
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It is possible for men and women to be friends but if you are married and the relationship is uncomfortable for your wife - then it's best to end the friendship with the woman you use to be romantically involved with.
In my humble opinion anyone you've been romantically involved with should be kept at a proper distance physically and emotionally. If you find yourself thinking, I don't want to give up the friendship with this lady (she has a foothold in your life that's not proper - for your emotional attachment should be to your wife and you should endeavor to maintain the trust in your marriage.)
(I also hold the same rule for women as well, no other man takes or gets priority over your husband.)
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 7:14:39 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 2920
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
Is it possible for men and women to just be friends?
I am not talking about a sexual relationship in any way. I'm talking strictly about friends without any "benefits" shall we say.
I've always had numerous friends of the opposite sex, but there are things I do to preserve those friendships. I don't spend time alone with men other than my husband. Also, I don't have private conversations with those men that my husband is not privy to. Doing that allows intimacy or the perception of intimacy that could become a huge problem.
_____________________________
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 7:35:06 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 607
Joined: 6/9/2005
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There are two separate issues here:
Yes, it is very possible to have friends of the opposite sex. I have many good friends who are of the opposite sex.
quote:
My wife has a problem with the fact that I'm still in contact with her.
Your wife and her peace of mind must come first. I think it also makes a big difference how involved your wife is in the relationship with past friend. If she is included in the friendship, then I don't see a problem, but if you and xgf call and chat, and wife is not included, then there is a problem and the friendship should either be ended or expanded to include wife.
I can understand being good friends with someone with whom you once had a brief romantic relationship. I have a very good friend (25 years now) whom I dated very briefly about a year after we met. We figured out very quickly that although we liked each other, nothing further was possible. We would go out dancing together, etc. so that we had someone to dance with, but that was it. After he met his (now) wife, I was the first person he called to tell he was getting married--even before he called her (living in different states) to ask her to marry him. He brought her to meet me as soon as he moved back into the state; I went to their wedding. We (as families) visit each other (we live in different parts of the country) whenever possible and his wife is also one of my best friends. However, if the situation had been different and his wife did not also become my friend and she objected to our friendship, then I believe that it would have been wrong for him to stay in touch with me.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 8:44:19 PM
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DrivenbyGod
Posts: 156
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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Well, to answer your question I posted no, but some people define friendship very differently.
If you think you're friends with a co-worker at work thats married and you have friendly small talk with then I'd say yes, but that's not what I consider a friend. If you're talking about someone you confide in and see one another outside of work then your talking friendship and in this case one person is going to end up having feelings for the other. It's just natural and the reason why you shouldn't get involved in intimate relationships with non-Christians.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 9:04:43 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 2920
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
Status: offline
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I think there are varying degrees of friendship. For instance there is a man who is a good friend of mine and my husband's as well. But I knew him first because we happen to work together. I think of him as a very good friend. If I were in trouble, and my husband could not help me, I would call this man and think nothing of it. It is possible to have these kinds of relationships. But there are boundaries. For instance, this man's wife was out of town a couple of weeks ago, and he asked my husband and I and our kids to eat with him and his daughter. My husband got called away on an emergency right before we were supposed to meet him. I did not meet him -- even if my kids would have been along and his along too. It would have been completey inappropriate -- no matter how close this man (and his wife as well) are to our family.
If my husband had a close relationship with a female where he was having private conversation or spending time alone with her -- no matter how innocent -- I would object and rightfully so. If my husband balked at my objection, then I would have cause for concern.
_____________________________
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/6/2008 9:12:32 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 2920
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
yes definately. has this not occured in your life? sometimes another question needs to be asked ... should they just be friends? (ie, there is much debate about a spouse having a very close friend of the opposite sex.
Its a long story, but I'll give you the abrieviated version (call it being merciful.  )
I have a friend of mine who I used to date (about 10 years ago). She and I are close, partially because of how our relationship ended and we were out of contact for a long time afterwards (religious differences).
My wife has a problem with the fact that I'm still in contact with her. I do love my wife, and would never leave her for my old flame, but I do care a lot about my ex and don't want to break off contact with her.
Suggestions on handling this?
(Also, any prayers that this can be resolved in my life would be appreciated. I'd like it to be so that I can still have a relationship *NON PHYSICAL* with my ex, without my wife feeling threatened. Though I'm willing to do whatever God sees as being the correct choice.)
Man, you don't have the luxury of having a relationship with your ex.
I would be very concerned if I knew my husband was saying things like this about his ex-girlfriend, and I've rarely been jealous of anyone. I would wonder why he would be trying to figure out a way to maintain this relationship, and knowing me, I'd ask.
Bottom line: It would be a huge red flag, and I'll go out on a limb and say that any woman who wouldn't see it as a huge red flag is either in denial or asleep at the wheel.
_____________________________
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/7/2008 1:15:31 AM
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WholeHeart
Posts: 25
Joined: 2/13/2008
Status: offline
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I've only ever had one friend who's a guy, and there is definitely an undercurrent of romance between us.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/8/2008 1:51:58 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 750
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
Status: offline
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I'm sure there are lots of guys & girls who are just friends.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/8/2008 6:43:06 AM
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Cloak
Posts: 4071
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ebony101
I'm sure there are lots of guys & girls who are just friends.
Agreed. I myself used to have that. However, caution is needed still. Perhaps for married people it's even more tough because they worry about their mate. In general I would be wary and cautious.
Innocene and purity are such missing qualities in our culture, sadly!
_____________________________
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/8/2008 1:29:32 PM
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nuclear_sidewalk
Posts: 32
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline
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Yes and no.
Yes if...
- It's strictly in work/group settings and never gets emotionally involved
- It never gets anywhere near becoming physical
- It doesn't tempt you to put your desires before what honors God
No if...
- Your spouse feels emotionally betrayed by it (even if it's innocent, emotional attachment is a big deal)
- It's physical or a struggle/temptation to keep from becoming so
- You're spending lots of 1-on-1 time, since that leads to temptation even in the best of circumstances
- You find yourself relating to this person better than to your mate
Right, now, I'm a single guy. I have one or two female friends that I share things with, but I've learned to back off once they get into a relationship. I didn't appreciate it in my past relationship, and I'm sure their mates/boyfriends wouldn't appreciate it in theirs.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/8/2008 6:08:21 PM
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Cloak
Posts: 4071
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuclear_sidewalk
Yes and no.
Yes if...
- It's strictly in work/group settings and never gets emotionally involved
- It never gets anywhere near becoming physical
- It doesn't tempt you to put your desires before what honors God
No if...
- Your spouse feels emotionally betrayed by it (even if it's innocent, emotional attachment is a big deal)
- It's physical or a struggle/temptation to keep from becoming so
- You're spending lots of 1-on-1 time, since that leads to temptation even in the best of circumstances
- You find yourself relating to this person better than to your mate
Right, now, I'm a single guy. I have one or two female friends that I share things with, but I've learned to back off once they get into a relationship. I didn't appreciate it in my past relationship, and I'm sure their mates/boyfriends wouldn't appreciate it in theirs.
We are talking here in terms of BEING ALONE Exclusively, Not in a group setting!
_____________________________
And My God shall meet ALL Your Needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19)
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/9/2008 12:38:57 AM
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nuclear_sidewalk
Posts: 32
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Cloak
We are talking here in terms of BEING ALONE Exclusively, Not in a group setting!
Then you have my answer.
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/9/2008 12:47:10 PM
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msashua
Posts: 11
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline
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Yes, I believe it is possible, but one must be very careful, especially concerning your spouse's feelings. I am a married woman for almost 11 years and dated my husband exclusively for 2 years before marriage. I also have a dear male friend. He is also married. Many, many years ago, before I was married (but he was), I was involved in an inappropriate relationship with him. I ended the relationship because I felt guilty about my position. (I shouldn't have had one!) We didn't have any contact for a while, then gradually fell into a strictly friendly relationship (again, long before I met my husband). When I met my husband, I didn't lie to him about my prior history with this person, but made it very clear that he was/is just a friend. The friend has now become my husband's friend as well as mine. He is very sensitive to the limits of our friendship required for us to stay friends and me to stay happily married. 
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RE: Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? - 6/11/2008 12:43:25 AM
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MissInnocent
Posts: 135
Joined: 5/3/2005
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Yes men and women can be JUST friends. However I would be very offended if my fella remained friends with someone he'd been intimate with. If I had been msashua's husband...well I am not the kinda person that would end up married to someone who kept someone they'd been intimate with close even just as a friend. It's just not for me. If others can deal with it great. For the OP, as many have said your wife should be more important than your ex. If she's not comfy with you contacting your ex then why are you doing it? It's beyond disrespectful.
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