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How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/1/2008 12:08:24 AM
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stewool06
Posts: 2
Joined: 4/30/2008
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Hello, everyone I am new to this forum. I will get right to it my wife and I are at conflict a lot she always says she wants a divorce. We argue about everything. I really want to stay together. Her and I are both believers in Jesus. However, I am ready to get involved at a church. I have also wanted to go to a new church because I am at odds with the church we have been going to. I will try to make this a short story. My wife and I were attending a church for 2 years we got married there my wife got saved and baptized there also. We loved it there the people are great. Well, my wife worked at the school as a cleaner one time before we started to go there that is when she got saved. She got laid-off because they had a head cleaning lady and she worked there for about 5 months. Well, anyway not long after that I got hurt on the job and could not work. We were attending the church at that time. (recap)So, she worked for about 5 months at the churches school and a few months later we started to attend the church, I got hurt on the job and the other lady that use to clean was no longer there so about a total of 5 to 6 months after my wife was got laid-off from working at the churches school the first time the pastor offered to give her a job back cleaning because they had no one cleaning the school at that time. She worked there for about 6 months and one day without warning the principal at the school called her in the office and laid her off. She was crushed and so was I. I felt like the pastor should've handled it and talked to my wife one on one. I was still off work for this time so we were put in a huge bind. I thought that them doing that to her was wrong. I understand that it was a business decision but, there was a few other things that went on that day also. Anyway, we left the church and started to go to a new church it's a great place so anyway they make you take a class to become a member. My wife and I were already baptized before single immersion. well, this church said in order to become a member we need to be triune immerged. I have been struggling with this and my wife also has. So, I told her if we aren't going to move forward with this church then we need to go to new church. She refuses to go to a new church because the kids like it. She won't follow my lead spiritually when it comes to anything kids, money(tithing), and getting involved with a Bible based church. I am dieing to get involved and surround my self with other Christians. I believe that is a huge key to our spiritual walk is having Christian relationships. I am struggling with what to do! I don't feel like she respects me. This really hurts me because I have always had a weakness for women in general but, I feel like the more she pushes me away the closer I am to falling into temptation as well. I have been faithful to her. I am really longing for the spiritual connection that I need in a wife and to feel supported, respected, and loved. I tried to tell her how I feel but, she gets angry. I need some help. I know that that the Lord wants me to be faithful to my wife but, I feel like sometimes she holds me back from doing what God wants from me. Where I draw the line? I wrote the pastor where we were going to church for 2 years a letter to try to reach out to him about amonth after my wife got laid off and I never heard a peep from him.
Sincerely,
Hurting in Ohio
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/1/2008 12:34:58 AM
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KenBobPDX
Posts: 9
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline
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Hi stewool06,
Welcome to the forums! It sounds like you have some classic symptoms in your relationship.
One suggestion would be to find a mentor couple that can help walk the two of you through this difficult time.
To address your main issue head on, you can't "get your wife to follow your lead". You can only example what a godly person is like and encourage her to follow.
Jesus taught us to serve one another and to mutually submit to each other. I recognize that the Bible teaches that the man is the head of the household, but it's not as you might think. Jesus also taught us that we are not to "lord over" those who are under our authority as the Gentiles do. Rather we are to serve those who we are in authority over. He Himself said Matt 20:28, "I did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life as a ransom for many".
Paul in Eph 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,". As the husband you must be willing to lay down your life for your wife. Figuratively, as well as practically. Ask the Lord, "how can I serve my wife and love her the way You want me to love her, in the midst of this situation?"
Being involved in a Bible teaching church is crucial for the two of you. Having said that, don't let where you go to church become a stumbling block. Study the Word on your own, and grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
One final word. Find a copy of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs great DVD called "Love and Respect" and watch it together. It'll help you both to have the perspectives you need to serve one another.
I pray that you both find peace in your marriage. I pray that you serve one another in the power of the Holy Spirit and I pray that the Lord protects you and keeps you.
May He bless the two of you as you seek His face.
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/1/2008 12:45:58 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 626
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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Hi Steewool! I'm sorry you and your wife are having troubles. My very best piece of advice is to read this book Discovering Understanding the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair. You can order it on Amazon.com or christianbook.com It's a great book on what TRUE leadership looks like in a marriage. My husband is applying the principles it teaches and our marriage is becoming better than ever!
Also, the two books by Joel and Kathy Davisson (Man of Her Dreams/Woman of His; Livin' It and Lovin' It) are extremely insightful on the subject of leadership. They teach that leadership is laying your life down for your wife. Being an example of Christlikeness in all you do is the way to get your wife to follow you.
quote:
I feel like sometimes she holds me back from doing what God wants from me. Where I draw the line?
I think there's a huge misconception in the Church that being a leader means being the boss. I don't think you should "draw the line". If God wants you to do something then I believe He will lay it on your wife's heart also. If she is opposed to something perhaps that is God's way of letting you know that it's really not His will.
quote:
I don't feel like she respects me. This really hurts me because I have always had a weakness for women in general but, I feel like the more she pushes me away the closer I am to falling into temptation as well.
I would not respect a man who had that attitude (weakness for women) either! Her pushing you away does not make it ok for you to sin or to even think about sinning. If a man wants his wife's respect he should make sure he is behaving in a respectable manner (in action and in thoughts).
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/1/2008 9:29:35 AM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4744
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I agree with both the previous posters. I'd like to add that you seem to be looking to your wife to fill you needs and you should be looking to God for that, instead.
Concentrate on growing closer to God. Christian Relationships to mentor you are needed for growth and encouragement, but you may need to go a different route for a while than the way you are dreaming of. You may need to find a "mentor" you can listen to on the radio or in podcasts. Just choose carefully, because not everyone keeps their messages in context and properly interprets. Start studying your Bible and apply it to yourself. Allow yourself to be convicted, meditate on the word, and change your behavior. Don't point fingers at her or anyone else. Just worry about being Christlike. Just worry about being holy as God is holy.
I would also advise you to stop arguing about everything. You can't control her anger and her words, but you can listen to her and try to understand. You can reply kindly. You can state your thoughts in love. You can control how you react and act.
I can assure you as a wife it is much easier to respect a husband who listens, who is reasonable, who is humble, who knows his God, and who purely loves everyone in his life. I'll bet your wife sees you as an argumentative, unreasonable, un-Christian, unloving husband. Stop being those things.
< Message edited by HisCovenant -- 5/1/2008 9:36:37 AM >
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/1/2008 4:33:08 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2744
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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Previous posters have given you excellent advice. I just want to address this one issue.
quote:
Anyway, we left the church and started to go to a new church it's a great place so anyway they make you take a class to become a member. My wife and I were already baptized before single immersion. well, this church said in order to become a member we need to be triune immerged. I have been struggling with this and my wife also has.
Until you are comfortable with this church's teaching regarding baptism and led by the Holy Spirit to do so, do not get baptized there at this time and do not become members. You can continue to attend the church and I'm sure there are many ways you can be involved without being a card-carrying member.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/1/2008 7:18:49 PM
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tiffywal
Posts: 51
Joined: 4/14/2008
Status: offline
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Hello, here is my 2 cents:
First, the way you left your first church, you need to pray over that. Leaving over a job is not a real reson to leave. If how your wife's job situation was handled bothered you, you should have went and talk to the pastor. If you did and said so in your post, sorry, I must have missed that part. Second, pray and ask God to guide you to your set place. Allow him to guide you to where you and your wife are needed. Don't hop around from church to church. Third, if you want to get involved in church then do so. Sometimes you have to lead by example. I know I dwith my husband. He sees me going to church on tuesday nights, choir rehearsal and sometimes on friday night if there is something going on. Now he is curious as to what the topic was at church on tuesday nights. Again, pray.
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/1/2008 8:07:21 PM
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JesKlu
Posts: 501
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
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Hello!
I agree with a lot of posters here. Leadership in marriage is not about being the boss at all, but rather about serving your wife and laying down your life for her.
Sadly though, a number of "Christian" men believe being the leader is about being the boss. And a lot of times these men have the attitude of LISTEN TO ME and YOU SUBMIT. It's more like verbal abuse and degrading your wife. Submission is not being a doormat.
Your sister in Christ Jesus,
Jessica
_____________________________
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/2/2008 6:44:26 PM
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scottmcc1
Posts: 67
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline
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Hurting in Ohio. Here is my take on your post. Hope you can use some of it. I am praying for you both.
my wife and I are at conflict a lot she always says she wants a divorce.
First thing in my marriage is that saying divorce is worse/equil to using God's name in a curse.
We never talk like that to each other. So talk to your wife in a calmer moment and reason with her to stop talking like that.
______________
We argue about everything.
Everything is not worth arguing about. When I was first married I would say to myself when we were arguing that what is at stake is more than what we are arguing about. I would laugh off some of the disagreements and let them go. (ignore them)
_______________________
Her and I are both believers in Jesus.
If you both are true believers in Jesus than you will trust Jesus to build your marriage. Pray together and ask Jesus to show you how to build a great marriage. Jesus wants you to have a great marriage. so work for a good marriage in the name of Jesus and pray for it.
John 14:14 "If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it."
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Church
There has been some confusion in your church experience. If you can I would stay at the church you are at. Accept their baptism doctrine and pitch in to help.
If your wife balks go with what she accepts. God will move in His time. Jesus accomplishes all things by the counsel of His will not by His order. Take the same attitude.
Don't hold a grudge against your old church. They have to hold costs down like everyone else. Forgive them and pray for their welfare and success.
______________________________
Jobs
Understand that in your current job situation there will be tension and pressure.
Pray with you wife every day for God to help you both find a job.
Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Pray this scripture every day. When doubt comes into your mind quote the above Scripture and state that God's word will prove true.
Read and search the Bible for more promises from God.
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Leadership
You can't go from rubble to a finished product in a few days. Or when there is constant bickering.
Have a list to pray for and pray for that list each and every day. Make prayer a priority. Cut other things out of your life so that you can pray.
Have a humble heart in prayer and ask God to show you where YOU need to change not your wife. God will change your wife, but you won't change her.
Love your wife each and every day all day. God will bring love and respect to your marriage. Respond to being hurt with kindness.
______________________________________
Weakness with woman
Most men have a weakness with women. The difference is that some have set boundaries and have a fear of God of the consequences of sin.
Make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.
_____________________________
(My Bible study web page)
http://www.freewebs.com/wftr/index.htm
(comments on nature)
http://www.verde33.blogspot.com
Thoughts on my Christan walk
http://www.verde34.blogspot.com
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/4/2008 8:24:01 AM
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stewool06
Posts: 2
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
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I want to thank you all for your advice. I want to make it clear I am not talking about her following my lead by saying do this do that or for her to be a "doormat" as one person replied. I am talking about getting my wife to follow my lead spiritually in the things of God such as tithing, reading, praying, finding a christian friend, getting involved and the like. I am not talking about anything other than that.
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/4/2008 10:16:58 AM
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stellaluna
Posts: 3361
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stewool06
I want to thank you all for your advice. I want to make it clear I am not talking about her following my lead by saying do this do that or for her to be a "doormat" as one person replied. I am talking about getting my wife to follow my lead spiritually in the things of God such as tithing, reading, praying, finding a christian friend, getting involved and the like. I am not talking about anything other than that.
Same same. You can't make her do any of those things, either.
_____________________________
CW Underground
"Everything Stellaluna said (I do agree with her, honest)." -- miasma
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RE: How to get my wife to follow my lead? - 5/4/2008 12:52:34 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 112
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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Lead by example.
You say you bicker all the time...ever heard of "pick your battles"? If I got my back up every time my husband said or did something that perturbed me, we'd be arguing constantly. Decide what is important, and leave the rest alone.
As for the rest of it...you lead...she can either follow or not...that's her choice, you can't force her. Be the husband you think you should be...if she doesn't follow...well...do what you have to do.
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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