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Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 1:43:57 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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From: a mother who let me live
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One of the most difficult things in life is having to give bad new to someone. We so often fail to do it right.
The reason is that people are different. Some want things broken to the gently in small sound-bites. Some want to just hear the simple straight-out truth. Some cannot hear the truth -- can't bear it.
So how should I break the news to you? What is the best way? How has someone broken the news to you and done it right? How has someone failed you in this area?
How do you break the news to others?
If you need some specific scenarios and specific persons:
1. You had an accident with the spouse's vehicle
2. You broke your parents' only lawn mower
3. you got a D on the final
4. You borrowed an important book from your leader and it disappeared
5. You just learned you have cancer and must tell the family
6. Your spouse's father had a stroke
7. You have to fire someone
8. ______________________________
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 4:51:25 AM
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mvic
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As I read your post one thought came to mind.
How was the news broken to Mary that her son would suffer a terrible cruel death? How was it broken to Jesus himself? They knew of these events long before they happened. How did they go through life knowing this would happen?
But to get back to your point. Breaking bad news to people is a very difficult thing. The police and doctors etc ... are trained to deal with this. But for the rest of us we just stumble through it as it comes.
Some of your examples are easier to "announce" than others and would be handled differently of course. In my time, I've had to receive and break bad news from time to time, (as most of us have done), and I must say perhaps I'm a little better at receiving bad news rather than give it.
Personally, I prefer people to give bad news straightaway, without hesitation get to the point; but gently ... very gently.
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 6:41:53 AM
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Thessa
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Im one of the ones that like to hear the straight out truth. I can tell when someone is lying to me and i can also tell when someone is trying to go around it to make it 'easier'.
And since im this way this is the way i always tell others of things as well. Just straight out. I believe thats the only real way it should be done.
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For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:16
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 7:06:08 AM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga
The reason is that people are different. Some want things broken to the gently in small sound-bites. Some want to just hear the simple straight-out truth. Some cannot hear the truth -- can't bear it.
So how should I break the news to you? What is the best way? This reminds me of my favorite Jack Nickelson line from "A Few Good Men."
The truth? You can't HANDLE the truth.
For me - just give it to me straight, pull no punches. Get it over with quickly.
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 11:05:39 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3642
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I have been wondering about this for some time. I, too, want the news-giver to just tell me and get it over with. Give me the facts -- straight up -- without "beating around the bush," as Darling wrote. Don't drag it out and make me keep guessing at what you're trying to say while you stumble all over yourself.
The truth? I can handle the truth!  -- much better than your withholding the truth from me while I suffer. I have had people give me the truth painfully slowly while filling in with fluff and nonsense.
So far, it seems that we all want the same thing: just say it! Let's see if we get more and other opinions. This could help us the next time we have to do the dirty deed.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 12:43:31 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 881
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Give it to me straight. No beating around the bush or giving me pretty euphamisms.
Just found out I'm losing my job next year and instead of telling like it is they kept saying "your jobs are being impacted". Just impacted, not negatively impacted... just impacted, which could mean various things. Our jobs are being terminated, just say so!
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 12:50:15 PM
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JimboFletch
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quote:
ORIGINAL: raivyne
Give it to me straight. No beating around the bush or giving me pretty euphamisms.
Just found out I'm losing my job next year and instead of telling like it is they kept saying "your jobs are being impacted". Just impacted, not negatively impacted... just impacted, which could mean various things. Our jobs are being terminated, just say so!
That reminds me: I worked almost 25 years for Sony. They often and prominently used the phrase "Sony Family." Long before they laid me off, they were the only "family" I knew that kicked the "children" out when things got a little difficult and usually kept the management that got us into the mess in the first place.
Don't dress it up, just tell me the unvarnished facts.
And if you are uncertain and are just giving your best guess, please tell me that too instead of making it sound like it's the truth.
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 12:51:54 PM
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raivyne
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JimboFletch
quote:
ORIGINAL: raivyne
Give it to me straight. No beating around the bush or giving me pretty euphamisms.
Just found out I'm losing my job next year and instead of telling like it is they kept saying "your jobs are being impacted". Just impacted, not negatively impacted... just impacted, which could mean various things. Our jobs are being terminated, just say so!
That reminds me: I worked almost 25 years for Sony. They often and prominently used the phrase "Sony Family." Long before they laid me off, they were the only "family" I knew that kicked the "children" out when things got a little difficult and usually kept the management that got us into the mess in the first place.
Don't dress it up, just tell me the unvarnished facts.
LOL I never looked at it that way!
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 2:11:12 PM
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mvic
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The story from JimboFletch reminded me of another about work.
The sales manager was a real tyrant without a soul whatsoever. When a salesman was regularly missing his targets; the manager pointed at the notice board full of red pins. He said: Look at this pin here. This is you. I'm loosening it a bit.
Sales for the whole team shot up the following month.
_____________________________
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/11/2008 9:21:51 PM
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Liveloved
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One of Jesus' names. . . TRUTH. You just say it. You speak truth. This is one of the first and most basic of lessons. We are to be truth seekers, truth speakers, and truth hearers.
So how do you tell me any of the above? Just speak it. I will hear.
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 12:36:04 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Hm-m-m. No one so far wants anyone to "break it to them gently!" This certainly says something!
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 12:47:36 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3642
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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Mine was a bit better, sort of, but my boss's wasn't. i had to break way too much news to him, and he wouldn't have liked it broken to him gently either. He had a rough day. Very rough.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 1:19:54 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3642
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Lotsa bad news. But he's a good man, and smart.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 1:28:10 AM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1229
Joined: 6/1/2008
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How should you break the news to me that you ran over the green car insurance lizard? Tell it to me like it happened. It was thumbing its nose too intently at that old guy doing the commentary during the shoot and didn't see your reverse lights until it was too late.
The best way to tell me that? Well, knowing how I laugh hysterically at those commercials, I'd hope you'd call me so I could get them burned to DVD in preparation to sell them on Ebay since there wouldn't be any more.
How has someone 'done that right' for me? There's certainly something to be said for positioning... that there's some solid attention to you before you break out the news. Also, that there's some separation from the stuff of the world as much as can be helped. Is the receiver somewhere where they can sit down, or that they are not driving, or such like that.
How has someone failed me in sharing bad news? Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but... . Also, I don't want this to affect our friendship, but I have met someone wonderful, and etc. etc. (This is the Dear John letter- not to be confused with the dear John_O letter). I know you may feel hurt, but don't worry about me and my feelings, because I'm moving on and things are looking good here, and I wish you the best and think you are really a sweet person blah blah blah.
How do I break the news to others about the green car insurance lizard I didn't see? I would use the appropriate amount of positioning, isolation from distraction, make sure they were not driving, and then I'd be direct with them.
C_M, Who gets the call as to whether the sharing was done right? How does someone know they blew the delivery?
I've never had someone tell me I didn't even know how to deliver bad news right or properly. I've also never sought to take a poll of my sharing skills... Okay, now based on that sorry news I've just shared with you, how would you rate my delivery of it to you?
This is a thoughtful post. Which would you rather be, one of the best bad news sharers someone has ever known, or one of the worst ones? You are still known as a bearer of bad news, so what- might as well hone your skills and be good at it? Train people how to move and what to do when they see you coming?
OneJohn410
quote:
ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga
One of the most difficult things in life is having to give bad new to someone. We so often fail to do it right.
The reason is that people are different. Some want things broken to the gently in small sound-bites. Some want to just hear the simple straight-out truth. Some cannot hear the truth -- can't bear it.
So how should I break the news to you? What is the best way? How has someone broken the news to you and done it right? How has someone failed you in this area?
How do you break the news to others?
If you need some specific scenarios and specific persons:
1. You had an accident with the spouse's vehicle
2. You broke your parents' only lawn mower
3. you got a D on the final
4. You borrowed an important book from your leader and it disappeared
5. You just learned you have cancer and must tell the family
6. Your spouse's father had a stroke
7. You have to fire someone
8. ______________________________
_____________________________
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 1:43:55 AM
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still4gvn
Posts: 1307
Joined: 12/28/2005
From: just north of Seattle, WA
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you guys are right about "make sure they aren't driving". I was rear ended by a woman who'd just got a call that her father had a heart attack.
I also like the straight forward approach. Friends know not to ask my opinion unless they want it.
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 3:40:10 AM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1884
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quote:
Hm-m-m. No one so far wants anyone to "break it to them gently!" This certainly says something!
Which means only those who want to hear truth are responding. . . or those who are responding don't know the truth about themselves. . .
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 5:34:15 AM
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mvic
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It could also mean that those of the "break it to me gently" variety are too hesitant to write in, just in case Covaan has some bad news for them.
_____________________________
Visit http://www.holyvisions.co.uk
My Book My Blog
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RE: Break it to me gently? - 9/12/2008 6:21:05 AM
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deliveredarling
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There are some who "think" they want to hear the truth....only if it lines up with their version of the truth.
Some are very sensitive, overly sensitive and we should be careful at all times in our delivery.
I know that I appreciate the direct truth to be given to me, however my son, who is 15 and a brilliant young man, so brilliant that he knows it all. Now, when he brings me his papers that he has just whipped out in the last few minutes and I find error or sloppy work, he is not so interested in the truth.
He's more than willing to listen to the truth about the brilliance of his work, but he is not so inclined to her the truth about how is work is lacking and that it is evident ,that he just wrote it in record time.
Point being, we want the truth if it lines up with our ideals of what the truth is. When it doesn't we get offended.
I have been guilty of this as charged. The beauty of it is this, the truth will be revealed no matter what the circumstance. Sometimes pain is the best teacher and it's certainly a good reminder.
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Luke 8:16
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