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Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 9/22/2008 4:17:10 PM
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tearsinabottle
Posts: 1
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline
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Hello all,
I'm hurting so badly and I need some direction from other Christians. My boyfriend and I are both divorced with grown children (we are in our 40's and 50's) . We have not been honoring the Lord with our relationship sexually. I am now 4 months pregnant. Before discovering we were pregnant, he has gone back and forth on getting married, promising me we will get married only to recant the promise at a later time. He's done this three time before the pregnancy and twice since. He's terrified of marriage and has said he'd rather parent the child through court order than have to get married again. He just wants to live together stating that many people successfully raise children together without getting married. I'm not okay with this and though I try to appeal to him based on the fact that our relationship with the Lord is suffering for living together outside of marriage, he doesn't care. His "ultimatum" is let's live together or move out and I'll pay through the court.
He is a professing Christian (but with a strong Catholic background). He's convinced a second marriage would fail for sure because of the statistics. I can't help but feel that perhaps the Lord is trying to reach him through all this and that he is trying to escape the fears of relationships by saying he's meant to be single (though he CLEARLY has not been given the gift of singleness!); it's an excuse to try to continuing not having to face his fears and the work of relationships.
To me, I feel that to not step up to the plate and marry me and make an intact family with me and his child that I carry is no better than yet another divorce situation. Marriage may not be what he prefers but it is a worthy "sacrifice" especially for the sake of our child and giving him a fighting chance.
My time is almost done at the library computer so I must sign off for now but that's it in a nutshell. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks so much - L
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 9/22/2008 4:47:04 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 881
Joined: 8/28/2008
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First of all I'm very sorry that you are hurting ((hugs)).
I know that you care for this man and that's what makes this so hard for you. However your first responsibility in life is to Christ, and the second is to yourself and your child. Not one single being out of those three will benefit from this relationship continuing on as it is.
You deserve someone who loves you enough to marry you, someone who does not let fear interfere with making right choices. Your child deserves a father who will do the right thing by you and by he/she. God deserves your obedience and full attention. I think you need to prepare yourself to move on. Give the man your ultimatum and be prepared to stick to your guns.
Also, pray like there's no tomorrow! Pray for emotional healing, spiritual purity, clarity on how to get back in step with God. Pray for God to heal the pain you will go through and give you the strength to get through the journey.
I will be praying for you as well.
_____________________________
God grades on the cross – not on a curve
Good – God = 0
In the dark? Follow the Son!
The Power of a Simple Gift! samaritanspurse.org
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 9/22/2008 5:03:39 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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Agree with the above. And I will tell you (by DH's own situation) that marrying because of pregnancy is not always a good thing. You should marry because you BOTH want it.
Its obvious he doesn't want marriage and you forcing the issue is only making him back off more. Its not ok to "live together" either. If he's insistant on no mariage, then if you choose to keep the child, let him just pay support and you raise the child yourself with God's help.
If you do wind up getting him to marry, then his resentment may backfire and you'll have a worse situation. The alternative is to discuss putting the child up for adoption after its born.
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 9/22/2008 5:08:38 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 775
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Your testimonies and faith walk have been hurt by both of you.
Please, do not marry someone who's unrepentant - stay single, make that sacrifice!
Return to serving God and keeping His standards.
A fellow believer in Christ who wants to stay in sexual sin is to be avoided.
Run from him!
*You say he claims to scared of marriage because of the rate of divorce... is
he not afraid of the high rate of failure for couples that participate in cohabitation?
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 9/22/2008 6:43:42 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 323
Joined: 12/6/2007
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Tears, the first thing that I thought was that because you both decided not to "honor God" with waiting until marriage to become intimate, then from the males perspective(albeit not one I agree with)I'm sure he feels as if, because you knew he was not ready to marry, and chose to create a child why expect him to honor God now? You may be right about him not wanting to face fears, etc. etc. but he has essentially "gotten what he wanted" without the committment so to expect him to do the responsible thing now........?
YOU need to be the one to committ your self and your life to honoring God whether it includes his active, full-time participation or not(and I hope that he comes around)but if he doesn't he's given you an indication of what he's been about so you may have to dig in your heels and now choose to do what's best for you and your child.
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 9/22/2008 7:44:49 PM
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stellaluna
Posts: 4261
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MC4JC
Agree with the above. And I will tell you (by DH's own situation) that marrying because of pregnancy is not always a good thing. You should marry because you BOTH want it.
Its obvious he doesn't want marriage and you forcing the issue is only making him back off more. Its not ok to "live together" either. If he's insistant on no mariage, then if you choose to keep the child, let him just pay support and you raise the child yourself with God's help.
If you do wind up getting him to marry, then his resentment may backfire and you'll have a worse situation. The alternative is to discuss putting the child up for adoption after its born.
I agree with this.
_____________________________
Who should be allowed to attend church?
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 9/23/2008 7:38:25 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9474
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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I have to ask why you'd want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you?
And I would be very wary of the thought processes that lead you to believe that God is "trying to reach him through all this". You can't, and God won't, make your boyfriend suddenly act right and do what you think he should do and trying to force it is only going to make your situation worse.
Get yourself right with God first. You know what you have to do and it's going to be hard but it has to be done. It'll be very much worth it.
Blessings ~
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 10/9/2008 2:10:14 AM
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levimichal
Posts: 51
Joined: 10/9/2008
From: Christiansted, Virgin Islands live in Minneapolis
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No matter how much time you have been together that man dishonored you. Please end this relationship because it is not right before God. You are living together in sin. He is using you and giving you promises that he will marry you just to keep you. To have a child be reared up in that situation is not giving the child good moral background to build upon. It would be a case of do what I say and not what I do. It would be so easy to try to sympathize but I have enough people I know who do not learn from their wrongs. Run from him as fast as you can.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Only a godly man can give that. It would mean marrying before any sexual immorality. I have enough friends given over to sin please think of your child not on the pain of any breakup because it is not worth it.
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RE: Boyfriend unwilling to marry pregnant girlfriend - 10/9/2008 5:37:32 PM
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preserved
Posts: 753
Joined: 6/12/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
I have to ask why you'd want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you?
And I would be very wary of the thought processes that lead you to believe that God is "trying to reach him through all this". You can't, and God won't, make your boyfriend suddenly act right and do what you think he should do and trying to force it is only going to make your situation worse.
Get yourself right with God first. You know what you have to do and it's going to be hard but it has to be done. It'll be very much worth it.
Blessings ~
I agree with coeurdelon....Also...You knew from the beginning regarding his views on marriage...The blame is not all on him...He told you...and the two of you lived together and sexually active and produce a child...He now gave you an ultimatum...either live together and raise the child or move out and he pays thru the court....So now where does that leave you...Is this the man you want to marry?? God is trying to show you what has taken place as a result of you trying to please your boyfriend??
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