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Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/14/2008 9:06:15 AM
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Beck34
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I have found myself with a very intresting question. How often do you lie to your spouse?
God is dealing with me about lying to the man that I love. I have lied to him about what seemed to be trivial stuff, but I wound up in a mess. I got caught in the trap that invaribly happens when you lie to someone. It catches up with you.
I have come clean with everything, and it feels really great to be able to open up to him about the problems that I am having. He supports me in everything that I do, and he has begun to open up to me in a way that he has never been able to do.
It has not only made me a better spouse, but it has made our connection stronger to each other. I never lied about anything major, I just told him what he wanted to hear so he would quit nagging me about it. Now, I know that he only stayed after me because he was concerned, and he had a good reason! I am now learning from my mistakes with him.
So, to you I ask, how often do you lie to your spouse? Is it affecting the way you communicate?
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/14/2008 12:45:51 PM
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karlie
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From: Central California
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quote:
So, to you I ask, how often do you lie to your spouse?
I can't ever remember lying to my husband. I haven't always told him every single thought running through my head(for which he is grateful  ), but I've never purposely hid anything from him or told lies to cover anything. I don't have anything to hide from him, so I can't imagine what I would lie about.
quote:
Is it affecting the way you communicate?
Whether you lie or not to your spouse(or they to you) will have a massive impact on communication. People may not always know what they are being lie to about, but they usually know when things aren't completely open and honest. That leads to mistrust, suspicion, withdrawal...all kinds of things that will even further hinder communication. Anytime we have to sensor ourselves for what was said in the past, or wonder if the person speaking to us is telling the truth, communication will be corrupted and the relationship will suffer.
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Life is too short for sensible shoes!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/14/2008 3:25:27 PM
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SweetLittleErin
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I do not lie to my husband. I do not even withhold info (not counting fibbing about surprise gifts and stuff). In fact I tell him EVERYTHING. He's my best friend. If I cant tell him everything in the world, who can I tell?
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~Erin~
Baby Isaac Terry due about Oct. 17!!
A Glimpse Of Pink
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/14/2008 4:21:56 PM
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Beck34
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I always felt that if I didn't tell him the truth about certain things, then he wouldn't worry about me so much. It is just so hard for me to be in this type of relationship because I have never been able to rely on anyone but myself in a long time. It was only me that I had to answer to when I got myself into stuff. Now, the same old patterns are resurfacing, and I don't know how to fix it. I just know that God has sent him to me to help me grow up! I am working on my issues, and I am currently seeking help for this problem. It's not drugs or alcohol, just overspending and disorganization. I am working on it with the help of all of you.
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/14/2008 9:02:09 PM
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HisCovenant
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It's pretty common for our spouses to see stuff we are trying to hide, whether it be through out and out lies or through silence. In fact, it's common for many to be able to see stuff we want to hide. When I discern something about someone IRL and see them struggling so hard to hide it (it could be good or bad,) I wonder that they don't realize what others can see.
You are one lucky lady to have a spouse who is willing to love you through this and cleanse you instead of shutting down because he can't trust you. I've seen couples go through the latter a lot and I've seen lots of pain in it. I've seen a few spouses who were willing to walk through fire to help each other and deal with their issues and each one says "I thank God for allowing our relationship to go through such awful circumstances because we've torn down what was wrong and built a much stronger relationship in it's place with God's help. I didn't even know this type of relationship was possible."
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/15/2008 8:56:01 AM
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Beck34
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It has made us stronger. I have never felt this way, and it really feels good!
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/15/2008 9:42:45 AM
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kcot1970
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I have to say this is hard. I mean I am honest with her, but I recently found out something that hurts me deeply and she says it's nothing. I knew her and her sister where going to New Mexicao for a couple of days, then her sister changes plans for Texas to meet a guy, wife still going to New Mexico. I thought! I found a paper indicating arrival and departure times to California, when I asked her she said so. I asked if this was about her ex-boyfriend in jail there, she says yes and I was not told because she knew I would get upset. Am I wrong? I found out she has been tanning and making herself look better, I thought for me but find out for him. She says to bury an old ghost, but she has been writing him for several years secretly, and getting quit explicitly intimate in the letters, claims its nothing just like reading the magazines. I do not do gave them up when met her. What do I do? 
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/15/2008 12:24:53 PM
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Beck34
Posts: 200
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Have you openly discussed with her how this makes you feel? I do not have a situation in my own life, I overspend and am disorganized.
Another question. Is she a Christian?
I know this is none of my buisness, but I find myself wondering these things because I want to help you. The only way I can tell you how I think you should proceed is to know where yours hearts are.
I would suggest that you both meet with a couselor or your pastor to try and work this out. I would also suggest that you both be honest with each other in this. Secrets will only make the situation worse!
Share with her how you feel, and giver her a chance to open up to you. I know that you are probably angry and hurt. Yet, if you don't listen to her side of the whole thing without blowing up, you may drive her away.
Let me know if I can help you.
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/15/2008 7:07:54 PM
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momma07
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kcot1970
I have to say this is hard. I mean I am honest with her, but I recently found out something that hurts me deeply and she says it's nothing. I knew her and her sister where going to New Mexicao for a couple of days, then her sister changes plans for Texas to meet a guy, wife still going to New Mexico. I thought! I found a paper indicating arrival and departure times to California, when I asked her she said so. I asked if this was about her ex-boyfriend in jail there, she says yes and I was not told because she knew I would get upset. Am I wrong? I found out she has been tanning and making herself look better, I thought for me but find out for him. She says to bury an old ghost, but she has been writing him for several years secretly, and getting quit explicitly intimate in the letters, claims its nothing just like reading the magazines. I do not do gave them up when met her. What do I do?
There is a lot to be said if she has to keep it secret. You need to address this matter now, who knows what will happen when she goes to California?? For all intents and purposes she has carried on a secret relationship with this person and it is moving now beyond the words on the page. This is not good. And am I understanding correctly that her sister was helping her plan this? Her sister and I would have words if this was the case. She needs to know this is not ok and there should be consequences to her leaving you and your children to go see another man. Only you can set the terms of those consequences.
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/15/2008 11:48:07 PM
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Beck34
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I agree with that. You really need to have a discussion with your wife and the sister seperately. You also need to be careful how you handle the conversation because you don't want cause her to clam up.
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/18/2008 4:11:56 PM
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BrowneyedAL
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In my experience ANY time that you are either purposefully withholding information from or giving false information to your spouse it should be a red flag to you, even if it isn't to your spouse. If you don't feel that you can tell your spouse something (or feel compelled to tell them something that isn't true) then you should truthfully examine YOUR motives in the situation. If you are going somewhere/seeing someone/buying something/whatever and you feel that you can't tell your spouse the truth then it's very likely that it's something that you shouldn't be doing/seeing/buying. If your motives are pure in regard to your spouse then there isn't anything about your life that you should feel the need to hide from them. (Except of course as Erin mentioned, surprises for your spouse)
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Lisa
I have learned in whatever state I am to be content (Philippians 4:11)
My Shoutlife
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/18/2008 11:19:31 PM
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Beck34
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Yes, I agree! I feel more free in our relationship because I can discuss my worries with him. I don't have to do it by myself.
I have always been one of those people who have not relied on anyone, but myself. Now, I am finding that I cannot do that any longer. I have to trust that we can do this together.
I guess part of this stems from watching my mother hide things from my father and fixing the problems behind his back. I don't want to live like that!
I didn't realize what I was doing until my husband called me on it. He knows me so much better than I know myself some days. I know God sent him to me. How else could he know?
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/20/2008 12:55:36 AM
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kcot1970
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sorry took so long still tring to move around in here.
She says she has professed Christ, but she reads horescopes, tarrot and I have told how I feel her response was it's nothing I didn'y did to know about it,
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/20/2008 1:08:08 AM
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kcot1970
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tried to talk to sister, found out her plans where basically the same. She is stpping in Dallas to meet a man she met on the internet, and is married also. She told me I was not fulfilling her needs and he is. I try to do everything I can, I do have a anger issue and a hard time understanding the logic of kid's before husband. don't get me wrong I love my kid's just I get no personal time with her and they wont leave our bed. She says they don't need to. I don't want to lose her I just don't know what t do anymore.
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/20/2008 1:45:58 AM
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Beck34
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This is horrible! Not only is this going to affect you, but also your kids. She may not think of it that way, but if you are both unhappy, then the kids will know it.
I know all about anger issues. My husband can be a very angry man at times, but through the grace of God and counseling he is working through it. It is all about getting help with that.
As far as your wife is concerned, she seems to have given up on your marriage if she is flaunting this in your face. Obviously, the sister is of no help on this point so I wouldn't count on her for too much support.
I know that you love her from what I know,but you have to show her that you are willing to work on it. Here are a few things to try:
Counceling is of utmost importance.
Take one day a week to take her out of the house. Hire a babysitter! Give her a chance to spend some alone time with her!
Be romantic! Nothing says that you care more than anything about her than to be spontaneous. Do something for her just because you love her.
Try that and let me know how it goes.
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/21/2008 6:34:39 PM
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kcot1970
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Thank you for the advice. I have already saught consouling for myself on anger. I have planned to suprise her with tickets to a couple concerts this summer. I will begin the one nite idea.
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/22/2008 10:47:45 AM
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Beck34
Posts: 200
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That idea really works to keep the spice in my marriage. I have 6 kids so that time together is so important so that you can reconnect.
Another thing that I was thinking about. How are your communication skills with her? Is there alot of give and take in your conversations or are they all one-sided. Also, think about how many times you use the word "I" in your conversations with her.
Besides that, have you tried love letters to her? She seems to like this man because of the way she feels when she reads his letters. I know that it may sound crazy to suggest that, but sometimes people communicate better when they write out how they feel.
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/22/2008 11:10:17 AM
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Galilee
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Monica and I have known each other for 15 1/2 years, been married 14 1/2 years, and I have never lied to her, nor her to me.
If she had a login on this forum she would back me up on that.
Not that you asked, but we have never lied to our kids either. We never told them there was a Santa Claus, or an Easter Buny, or anything. We have always been truthful. That way, they know that they never have to wonder if we are lying to them or not.
< Message edited by Galilee -- 4/23/2008 7:14:26 AM >
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The Son of God became the Son of Man so that the sons of man might become the sons of God. -- Terry Fullam.
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/23/2008 2:07:45 AM
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Beck34
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That is so true! I have never thought about how this might affect the kids! Thanks for that! It might help my relationship with them if I am more honest with them as well.
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/23/2008 3:26:19 PM
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momma07
Posts: 69
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kcot1970
tried to talk to sister, found out her plans where basically the same. She is stpping in Dallas to meet a man she met on the internet, and is married also. She told me I was not fulfilling her needs and he is. I try to do everything I can, I do have a anger issue and a hard time understanding the logic of kid's before husband. don't get me wrong I love my kid's just I get no personal time with her and they wont leave our bed. She says they don't need to. I don't want to lose her I just don't know what t do anymore.
SO is she still going on this trip? What about the letters? What are you going to do if she goes through with her plans...While I realize its not our job to judge or punish our spouses, we have to set boundaries. If those boundaries are crossed there are repercussions for crossing them. If you don't then she will think she can walk all over you and the kids. Her actions affect not only you but your children as well.
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RE: Being honest with your spouse in all things - 4/24/2008 1:41:51 AM
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Beck34
Posts: 200
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I totally agree with that, but he has to at least try to work this out if he can. If she has already made up her mind then there is nothing he can do, but he has to at least put some effort into it so that she knows he wants to try.
_____________________________
What do you expect, It's Beck!
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