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Am I a "Right" fighter - 7/25/2008 12:57:57 PM
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monicaleap
Posts: 7
Joined: 6/27/2008
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Hi.
I genuinely want to improve my marriage. Been married 25 years - both Christians. We argue a lot. I can only fix me, though; so I'm trying. I don't want to be a "right" fighter - but I think I might be. I'm going to give you a scenerio of what happened last night. Please offer your honest opinions. I know my husband has issues, too. But like I said, I can only fix me. So any critiques of my behaviour or a better way to have handled it would be appreciated..
Husband is going to bed and taking turns kissing all of the kids goodnight in the family room. 16 year old daughter is talking baby-talk which irritates him. He kisses everyone but her and says "I'm not going to kiss you unless you stop the baby-talk". She apologizes and stands up to get her kiss. My 11 year old son is standing behind my husband acting goofy. I know husband is not in the mood so I make a gesture to my son to go sit down (he already got his kiss). My husband misinterpreting this gesture assumed I was aggravated at the way he treated our daughter. (I make the mistake sometimes of interfering with how he disciplines the kids). He snaps at me - I can't remember exactly what he says - and I say "I was communicating with *** (my son) , it had nothing to do with you and ***(daughter)." He says "yeah, sure. and walks away." We're still in with the kids at this point. I say "hey, you owe me an apology. You're accusing me of something I didn't do". Then he calls me into the living room away from the kids and our argument escalates. With him having the attitude that even though he was wrong this time, it is irrelevant. That the way I "demanded" an apology was inappropriate in front of the kids, he's sick of me interfering with him and the kids, etc. I had the attitude that it didn't matter what I had done in the past, that we were talking about "this time" and this time he misunderstood. When approached with the fact that he misunderstood, he didn't apologize or anything. Things got worse and he even called me a b****. And here we are. If I follow the normal pattern of things I would apologize, he wouldn't and things would be over. But part of me feels like "why should I apologize - I didn't do anything wrong". Just to have peace again? Peace is a good thing. Is my stubborness being a 'right figher'. What about when you know you're right and the spouse is wrong. Do you still apologize just to be done? Thanks for any advice.
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RE: Am I a "Right" fighter - 7/25/2008 2:59:21 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1084
Joined: 4/29/2005
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It sounds maybe like you often feel defensive.
I get this because:
(1) Your husband thought you were covering your gesture with a lie about your intent. People who never do that kind of thing don't tend to get accused of it... so maybe sometimes you do try to backtrack out of a mistake by claiming a different intent? If so, definitely stop that, so that your husband might get used to you being honest about your mistakes and wouldn't be prone to think you might be covering your behind. (If this is not the case, please don't take the advice personally just consider it not applicable to your situation.)
(2) You felt the need to clear your name and secure an apology immediately regardless of the kids being present and the mood being hot. It was an inappropriate time and place to demand an apology. (Not that he should have been fighting with you about it or turning the original issue around as if it didn't matter... sounds like he's defensive too, he's in the wrong there, but he's not here to hear it.) You should have waited or stepped away. Probably waited... (see paragraph at the end about the kids)
(3) You tried to hang on to the position that your past interference with his parenting (which you know you should stop - good) was not relevant. It was relevant because it was the reason he jumped to his conclusion about the gesture. You might have been able to de-escalate if you had admitted that he had cause-and-history to accuse you of something that you reasonably might have been doing. If you had said that, he might have been willing to let the issue of him misunderstanding this time be OK with him. Then you could have proceeded to what he really wanted to talk about -- your pattern of interference. It's entirely possible to just say, "I'm sick of me interfering with your parenting too. I know I need to stop. I'm trying to do a better job these days." That's a fight stopper.
(4) You don't want to apologize if he won't. Maybe it seems to you that this puts you at a disadvantage -- makes you more wrong than him simply because you admitted your portion. It doesn't. You both still have your portions... but you have made yours right if you apologize. What he does is irrelevant. Peace is irrelevant. What he was doing wrong while you were doing your wrongs is irrelevant. When you do wrong, you apologize.
(What did you do wrong... (1) You have a tendency to undermine him as a parent, you know it, and you should be apologizing for it regularly even if this event was not a particular example of you actually doing it that time. (2) You were rude, confrontational and disrespectful to him as your husband. (3) You were rude, confrontational and disrespectful to him in front of his children. (4) Presumably you shouted at him etc. during the fight... maybe even attempted to humiliate him or threaten him. Think back & be sure. (5) You went to bed without resolution.)
So...
My main point is that you are defensive. Defensiveness prolongs & escalates fights. If you can get past it, you will be much, much better off. Even if your husband never changes. (The opposite of defensive is vulnerable.)
And about the kids. They have got to be really shook up by this. The poor son who was being gestured at! I'm absolutely sure he thinks that if he hadn't been goofing none of this would have happened... that's a lot of guilt and shame to bear. They are worried about the stability of their home and worried that they will make it worse. This has got to be driving them crazy. Next time you feel the need to clear your name, please try to think about what good it will do your kids if you can only make-nice for a while so that they don't think their actions caused the fight.
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RE: Am I a "Right" fighter - 7/25/2008 3:20:53 PM
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monicaleap
Posts: 7
Joined: 6/27/2008
Status: offline
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Thank you so much for your reply. It was extremely helpful. I will pray on this regularly and hope I can be the wife and mother God wants me to be. 
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RE: Am I a "Right" fighter - 7/25/2008 5:32:23 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 257
Joined: 12/6/2007
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phari, gave you GREAT advice so I'll simply say that irregardless of who was "wrong," or how many times you have initiated apologies in the past(boy, can I relate)for the sake of peace, not only in your HOME but in your own HEART----YES, apologize. If he's stubborn and refuses to say one word...then don't YOU choose to hold out, for you have made a choice that YOU must live with. If he chooses not to accept your apology or talk about it, you stand before God having(repented for disrespect towards your husband, and done your part to reconcile).
And be encouraged, God is working on you, despite what happened last night and how you must feel about his actions/words and your own, I bet you're doing better as a wife now than you were 1 year ago  KEEP PRESSING!
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RE: Am I a "Right" fighter - 7/26/2008 9:33:51 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 554
Joined: 7/25/2007
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I admire you for saying that you know you can't change him only yourself. Don't you just hate that when God does that to us? Makes us change and it seems that he is getting away with everything? Okay maybe I'm the only one who has ever felt that way.
It seems to me that the best place to start is the kids. You could apoplogize to him and tell him that you know you do this and don't know how to stop. Ask him for help, tell him you hate that you do this, and you know hes not going to do anything to hurt the kids and to help you.
But the main thing is to stop the fighting. The kids hear it and how awful is it to hear your dad call your mom the be word? And I'm sure your son feels responsibla and your daughter too. They will never forget.
I would recommend Dr. Eggerich's book Love and Respect. Its an eyeopener.
Please don't beat yourself up over this because you are on the road to change. Saying the words outloud is so powerful, its like okay God I admit it, I need help and then God starts moving. Yeah.,
But I do know how powerful being right can be. You will have to lterally bite your tongue but I know you can do it. And a peaceful home is certainly worth the price.
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RE: Am I a "Right" fighter - 7/26/2008 12:39:01 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 803
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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Make it a rule not to correct your spouse in front of the children.
Learn to apologize immediately!
Thank your spouse for helping to set family rituals/traditions that promote togetherness/bonding between parent and child.
Speak directly to the child that's acting out or not following rules.
*I'm really amazed your family is still able to do a goodnight kiss ritual with the children! Enjoy it!
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